Monday, April 12, 2010

日本i愛あなたは

Spent the day spring cleaning the dog. Twenty minutes later she took a bath in a bog and ran up to me smiling, covered in black goo. God I hate my dog almost as much as I love her.

Anyway, the tale of my trip to Japan. Starring Yours Truly, a person we can call Ryan who is a lot like Bruce Willis in the sense that they're both bald and boyscouts, a person we can call Marie who is a half-japanese New Yorker, a person we can call Promdee who is a 61-year old biology teacher from Thailand, and a person we can call Erin, who is Taiwanese and knows all about fortune tellers.

My trip had the worst possible start, I was stuck in Tokyo alone at night, jetlagged and tired and confused and utterly unable to get a hold of Ryan. Waited six hours before collapsing in a hotel bed after unintentionally eating seaweed flavored pop corn.
Second day the bald bastard boyscout finally called me and I headed to Osaka to catch up. I made it just in time for the last sumo matches. That was awesome. Osaka in general is awesome. I loved Montreal, but Osaka, lordy, Osaka is heaven. They have crab robots. Climbing buildings. Amen.

After Osaka we went to Kyoto, climbed two mountains, hung out with monkeys, visited Himeiji castle and a shitload of other castles and temples. Kyoto is just as awesome as Osaka, but in a different way. Osaka is a badass motherfucker, Kyoto is more dignified. Osaka is like Hard Gay while Kyoto is more like Mana-sama.

Next on the list was Nagoya, where we were supposed to meet up with a friend of Ryan's. The friend didn't show so we hung out with old Japanese people at a local pub, got drunk on a bunch of different types of sake and beer and japanese vodka and so on. A 58-year old news paper editor called me cute which made me laugh until I choked. One of the old guys, Kawase, took us to his restaurant where he gave us home made booze containing rohypnol and raped us. The last part of that sentence is actually a lie, I just added it for excitement. But he did give us home made booze.

Mt Fuji was an amazing sight. We got there in the evening, so tired we could barely walk to the stupid hotel. Spent some time standing by the side of the road in silence, marvelling at the mountain. I completely understand why it had divine status. The hotel room was on the ninth floor with a view over Fuji. The restaurant was on the 12th floor, cost as much as I would make selling my kidneys on the black market, and had really shitty food. Only cool thing about it was that they left the foot on the chicken I ordered. Claws are always a plus, regardless of what you eat. Especially oatmeal.
Setting foot on Fuji, not that exciting. It was a foggy day and the mountain disappeared in the mist. Took an early train to Tokyo after checking out the local theme park, and of course, the onsen. Outdoor volcanic hot spring = gasm. But not in the water, they get upset with that.

Tokyo is fantastic. It's clean, it's quiet, people are respectful and kind, and there are vending machines everywhere. The ATM tells you to have a nice day and each train station plays it's own little tune when a train is on the way. I love it.
Akihabara is a wet dream for dorks. I adore Harajuku. Shibuya is awesome, so is Shinjuku, Ginza, Ueno, Asakusa, and every other place I went. We also took a trip to the countryside outside of Tokyo, visiting Kamakura and a bunch of other little villages.
Saw the ocean, a giant Buddha statue, a cat, and about 130, 000 sakura trees. Only place in Tokyo I didn't like was Roppongi, simply because a huge black guy grabbed my butt and called me baby there. Never once felt unsafe even in the middle of the night in Tokyo, that experience set aside.

Last day on Ryan and Marie's trip we went to a ninja restaurant with Marie's Japanese cousins. They didn't speak much English but I really liked them both. The youngest one, didn't catch her name, made me an origami crane. My favourite thing from Japan. The restaurant was cool, any place that has their menu on scrolls that are set aflame after you order is cool in my book.

I had four days left in Japan when the Americans went back home. I was planning on going to Hiroshima to check out the peace museum, but it would cost way too much and I'd already had to cut my trip short before. So I stayed in Tokyo and made friends with Promdee and Erin instead, with whom I went to the imperial palace, a sakura festival thing and a bunch of other neat places. I also got to know an awesome Canadian named Teresa that I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with.
My last day I went on a shopping spree with Erin. She bought clothes, I bought stupid stuffed toys resembling video game characters. Gotta know your priorities. Last thing we did that night was eat copious amounts of sushi and drink beer until we giggled like little girls.

I kid you not when I say I had the best trip ever. And best of all? I didn't have to feel horrible angst about going home. First time on that one.

Best things about Japan though, is the people. They're amazing. My favourite memory is from when I was in Akihabara, after the Americans left, before I met Erin and Promdee. I was just wandering around alone looking for gifts to my brother and cousin, and the stupid arcade stick for Oscar, when it started raining really hard. I didn't really mind the rain, it was warm and not horribly annoying, but I did of course get quite wet. So I was standing at a crossing waiting for a green light when suddenly the rain ceases to hit my head. I look up and realize it's not because the rain stopped, but because this Japanese guy is holding his umbrella over me. I tried talking to him but he just smiled and shrugged, and when the light turned green he gave me the umbrella and literally ran off. It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen and I kept that umbrella until the day I left. Would've taken it with me if I could've, as a reminder that not all people are self centred, self serving cuntsacks.

2 comments:

Curse said...

Jag känner mig helt satans avundsjuk och vill bara åka på en gång och du skriver bra och ... damn.

Och hundar är ju så där, man måste älska även när de är rätt äckliga. (Lite som människor då.)

Btw: Foton...? No?

StigmataHandjob said...

Do it! Det är värt det! Det är värt allt! Och du skriver bättre så sluta jiddra.

Det är mycket lättare att älska hundar än människor. Är väl lite det som är charmen. Med båda.

Foton finnes, ska slänga upp dem på innarnet och posta länk å det snaraste.

Btw. Maila mig. Do it. Du kan inte komma undan.