Tuesday, March 16, 2010

onward inward.

Tranquil state of mind. Letting my thoughts wander again and my fingers on the keyboard with them.

Today was so badass. Spring is on the way, I'm getting a really good connection with my dog, I had a great session with my shrink, my dad sounded slightly less miserable on the phone, and I just had really good springrolls. I'm really close to being out of my depression. It's the first time in many years I don't spend the majority of my thoughts on the former best friend. It's the first time in about two years I feel okay with myself and my life. I have stuff to look forward to and I'm making progress, as a dog trainer, a martial artist, a student, a person.
Losing my former best friend was devastating, losing myself was worse. I've regained some parts of myself, and grew new ones where the old were entirely lost. I still relapse, but that's okay. And as always, once you're out, it was worth it. I gave my all, I lost it, but that's okay. Atleast I had the guts to try at all and I learned things about myself along the way. And that's what it's all about. Trying, pushing, sometimes failing, learning, growing.

Right now my main focus is on school, which is really fun these days. I love learning and I love the fact that the things I'm learning will be used in practice in a not too distant future. Knowing my words and my work may make a difference in the world is a pretty exciting feeling.

I'm also really happy I have Tilda to drown in love and affection. She doesn't get disgusted with me for caring, which is cool. She cares back, which is even cooler. I'm also insanely grateful to my dad, my aunt, her boyfriend, my grandma, cousin and also my shrink for being there for me, letting me know I matter to them.

I'm incredibly grateful for the friends that patiently stood by and waited even when I went into my shell and disappeared on them for a year and a half. Especially Lan, my sweet bacon loving canindian friend, who kept in touch with me even despite what his big brother did and my reactions to it. I'm also really happy about my new friends, and potential friends-to-be. Some of whom dare travel to Japan with me, some of whom read my blog and still dare to talk to me. I don't know what's wrong with you people. But I want you to know I have a knife and I'm not scared of using it.

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