Tuesday, September 29, 2009

German is not the prettiest language ever, but it's definately the best when it comes to describing the things that can't really be described. You'll never find a word as haunting and perfect as ausschusskind for example. For those of you who don't speak German, it means discarded child or garbage child, and was introduced during the 1930s when the nazis first started experimenting on mentally disabled children. Life unworthy of life, as they were also called.
Bruno S, an actor who stars in two of my favourite movies, was one of these children. In an article I just stumbled upon he spoke of das loch der vergessenheit, or the hole of forgottenness, another one of these perfect fucking descriptions you just wouldn't find in any other language. Or spoken by any other person really. It says everything I've been trying to shape into words for the past 17 years and never even got close to.

The Article

Monday, September 28, 2009

thursday.

After having to get up at 6 to see a dentist, after 3½ hours of sleep, I was pretty tired when my grandma called at 9 a.m and asked me to go with her to the hospital. "It won't take long" she said. "You'll be out of there in no time, I just need someone to help me push my wheelchair".
Six hours later we were finally done, which was lucky since I had an appointment with the people who sliced up my eyes and I had to really hurry to be there on time. Once there they told me my eyesight was exceptional considering I was virtually blind when they did the operation and that the results surpassed their expectations. That was awesome. I could finally go home and relax for a bit.
Except on my way back my mom calls and tells me I have to hurry my ass over to the house, cause she needs to go to the emergency room and her car broke down on the way there. So I hurry home and my brother and I take his car to pick up my mom and take her to the hospital. We wait for five hours before she gets to see a doctor. The air in the waiting room is horribly stale, a glass of water costs money and the only thing there is to read is golf magazines from 1977 and a book about China.
Once we finally get out and get on the road, my brother manages to hit another car. Noone got hurt but it fucked up the steering on our car, which made the long drive back pretty dangerous and not very pleasant.
They drop me off at the apartment on their way back, and as I climb the stairs all I can think of is getting through the front door before I pass out. And maybe even manage to eat something first, which would be even better. So I open the door and my cousin is lying on the couch surrounded by all our blankets covered in sweat, and a bucket of puke in front of him. He asks me if I would mind sleeping at our grandma's place since he's really sick and would prefer to be alone. Of course I can't say no, so I throw some clothes in a plastic bag and start walking across town to her place. Half an hour later I just arrived there, when he calls again and asks me to come back cause he's so sick he's afraid to be alone. I drop off my stuff at my grandma's and go back, then spend the night feeding him meds, rubbing his neck, getting him cold water and wet towels, opening and closing the window when he's hot/cold. I even give him a face massage to get him to go to sleep, which he finally does at around four.
After which I walked back to my grandma's place and drank a liter of water and fell asleep. I had to get up every five minutes to pee, but it meant getting to go back to a warm bed after so I didn't mind too much. Not after a day like that.

Monday, September 21, 2009

torture.

Torture is not about what the torturer does to the victim, it's what the torturer makes the victim do for them.

And remember kids, nobody gets what they deserve, you only get what you take.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Friday, September 18, 2009

I dreamt that I was in a Russian spelling bee with Jack Nicholson. I was invited to the winners house afterwards to help her family dig a well.

I really wish I could just stay asleep.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Water.

Went to see the parental units the other day. Took a walk by the sea with my dad in a place called Gamla Bro, which means Old Bridge. I like that name. I like the place too. There were six horses with foals roaming around, and hundreds and hundreds of baby fish in the very clear and very still water. We sat on a pier and watched them and the birds and the sky and enjoyed the stillness and the sun and all of a sudden, just like that, for the first time in a year, I felt at peace with myself. The black hole in my back was gone, if only for a while. It came back later of course, but I had a moment of rest and that was wonderful.

Yesterday I tried vibration training, which was really silly but kind of fun and a good way to start prepping my body for the shock it'll be to go back to TKD. One more week til I can start training for real again. Can't wait. In the evening I went for a run with Amos on the beach, but I kind of ended up just standing still staring at the water most of the time. It was really windy and gray and the waves were huge by our standards. It was wild and beautiful and I wished I could've been it.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

My family is fucked up in so many ways, but atleast we have the best sense of humor ever.

Grandma: So how's it going? You guys still get along even though you're living together?
Cousin: Yeah, we're good. Sometimes I see her sitting by the computer and I just want to walk up behind her and put a wire around her neck and strangle her, but other than that we're doing fine.
Grandma: Bah, silly. No fighting?
Me: Nope. Not yet.
Grandma: You don't argue over who's gonna use the shower first in the morning?
Me: Nah, we shower together. Solves all problems.
Cousin: Yep.
Grandma: ...
Cousin: It's legal for cousins you know.
Me: Yes. And a little bit of inbreed is just healthy. Makes the immune system stronger in the offspring. So maybe you'll have great-grandkids soon.
Grandma: That's really sick.
Cousin: :D
Me: :D

Friday, September 11, 2009

"The scarcest resource on the planet today is the ability to listen."

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm also completely fucking retarded. Just now, inbetween this post and the previous, I went to the bathroom to take what we Swedes refer to as a piss. And I somehow managed to pinch my ass with the toilet seat. Twice. I've never done that before in my life, I still don't know how it happened, and I did it twice in like five seconds.

Science, halp me.
This is fucking ridiculous. I've cleaned the apartment and made dinner and now I'm watching a movie waiting for my cousin to come home. Not only am I a fucking house bitch, I'm a house bitch who doesn't even get cock for the trouble.

Then again he will sing me songs about why rocks are good and sand sucks, so I guess I don't go all empty handed.

On a different note: Oscar, sorry I didn't write you back about the fika. I'm socially comatose rather than just socially handicapped these days. I'll get back to you on that when I feel less like a fucking ogre.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Also, I'm baking stuff all the time cause it's so much fun and it smells good and I have an excuse to stay in and play Fallout 3 when I have to babysit the oven, but I can't be assed to eat the crap. So if anyone wants to come over for a fika, let me know.
Eye surgery was the most physically painful thing I've done since I had a muscle kicked off by a horse. They use pressure to slice off a piece of your eye so I guess that's natural though. It only hurt for a day but there's still a milky veil fucking up my vision, hence my online absence. Haven't been able to read til now. It takes a long time for the brain to get used to seeing too. I get tired really easily now cause I'm totally bombarded with things I've never been able to see before. Like separate leaves on the trees. The first night I spent hours staring at a shirt lying on the floor, completely fascinated with how the light fell on the folds and wrinkles. I have to sleep with these plastic cups over my eyes for a week which makes me feel like a fly, which is cool. During the days I have to wear sunglasses which makes me feel like Lindsey Lohan which is not.

I'm living at my cousin's apartment now. He's been out of town for two weeks, comes back tomorrow to do laundry and then he's off again. I have the place all to myself 90% of the time. It's so fucking great living alone. I spend my days running around with the four darling dogs. Bella actually howls with joy when I come over lately. It's nice to have someone who cares, even if it's someone who thinks rabbit shit is the tastiest snack in the world. Amos shows affection by chewing on peoples faces. Loba's nose is always red because of it, and lately, so is my right ear. He's such a loveling, they keep me going.