Wednesday, May 6, 2009

whatevah.

This place is so incredibly fucking bad for me. I only came back home two days ago and I already feel like napping on the rail tracks again. Wake up at four in the morning with panic attacks, can't go back to sleep but can't leave the room cause if I do I'll be fucking attacked by people whining about how much pain they're in, expecting me to fix their problems and I fucking can't. When I was away I was happy. Really really happy. Only because I wasn't constantly reminded of the constant hurt and humiliation my family has to put up with every day. Just to not have to see and hear and feel the fucking struggle, for three days, I could be myself for the first time in I don't know how long. I forgot what it's like to not have to worry all the fucking time, to not have to take care of people I can't really help. To be a person and not just a piece of wood to cling to when they're drowning. I had energy and hopes and plans when I came home. About 24 hours later I'm back with hopelessness and despair. Fuck this shit.

1 comment:

Scylla said...

Ja du det låter ju suveränt positivt. Men du är välkommen ner till mig en vecka eller två om du behöver en paus från vardagen. Jag gnäller inte för att folk går upp mitt i nätterna etc men jag kan garantera att jag kommer att sitta framför en dataskärm en hel del pluggandes och sen vara ute festandes en del tid... :)
Låter det lockande?!?!