Tuesday, May 12, 2009

edit.

Some asshole said that friendship, love, a good job and a good place to live was all you needed to be happy. Two years ago, I had 2/4. One year ago I had 3/4. Now I'm down to 0. That's progress baby.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

iih.

The past 24 hours have been.. eventful. Went to my class reunion and against all odds I had an awesome time. 17 people showed up, only one of them was an old bully and she ignored me all evening. It was absolutely fucking amazing to hang out with everyone. I also got two requests from people wanting me to sketch tattoos for them, which is pretty freaking amazing considering they haven't even seen how my skillz changed over the past 10 years. I didn't plan on drinking much since I had a job interview today, but I ended up going home at 5 am with seven beers, three shots of fuck knows what and I don't know how much wine and vodka and whiskey in my poor blood vessels. I was still drunk when I woke up, but atleast I woke up in a) a bed, b) my own bed and c) alone, so it's all good. It's pretty freaky though, six had gotten married and eight has kids. People MY age, married with kids, working on renovating their houses on their spare time. That's just not right in any way.

Job interview also went well. I start next week. Mebbe things are finally turning around a bit. Even if it means I'll be stuck here for the summer, atleast I'll be able to go places this fall.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

cold.

It's been five months since I came back now. Five fucking months. It feels like I've been stuck in an isolation cell for years and at the same time, my memories of Montreal are so alive and vivid, it feels like I just left yesterday.

Five months of nothing. I'm scared they'll fade. The canindians.
I'm scared of forgetting their faces, their voices, gestures, laughs. What it was like to be a part of something. What it was like to not have this fucking void in me. I'm even more scared of them forgetting. That I'll be just another name. People do that, they move on. I don't. I got nothing to move on to.

Pretty fucking pathetic to have a life where the past is more important than the present 98 % of the time. Where I'm a nuisance because I want to be a part of something that others take for granted and forgot they even had.

Pretty fucking pathetic overall.

Friday, May 8, 2009

nekkid.

I pulled my first all-nighter in a long time yesterday. Played that stupid WoW with my brother and cousin. We made the Banks family from Fresh Prince, and role played them, themesong and all. After a while we kind of got out of hand and it all ended with my character (Carlton) and my cousin's (Phil) running around naked on the hills, giggling and chasing crabs, while my brother's character (Will Smith) danced on top of a ceiling lamp dressed in a pink robe. Any game where your characters can be naked is an awesome game. Baldur's Gate still beats all, but WoW totally works too.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

whatevah.

This place is so incredibly fucking bad for me. I only came back home two days ago and I already feel like napping on the rail tracks again. Wake up at four in the morning with panic attacks, can't go back to sleep but can't leave the room cause if I do I'll be fucking attacked by people whining about how much pain they're in, expecting me to fix their problems and I fucking can't. When I was away I was happy. Really really happy. Only because I wasn't constantly reminded of the constant hurt and humiliation my family has to put up with every day. Just to not have to see and hear and feel the fucking struggle, for three days, I could be myself for the first time in I don't know how long. I forgot what it's like to not have to worry all the fucking time, to not have to take care of people I can't really help. To be a person and not just a piece of wood to cling to when they're drowning. I had energy and hopes and plans when I came home. About 24 hours later I'm back with hopelessness and despair. Fuck this shit.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

chinese philosophy

If you read the oldest text about alchemy known to man, you'll learn that aging is caused by three factors, sometimes refered to as the three worms, or the three corpses. To achieve eternal life you have to get those nasty little things out of your system. One method was through breathing right. Right, meaning breathe like a fetus in the womb, aka not at fucking all. One guy who mastered this technique was Ge Xuan (ca 200 AD) who spent his time sitting on the bottom of a lake during hot days or when he was really drunk.

I guess not breathing WOULD be an exellent way to not have to get older, so I can't say they were all wrong.

hiatus

Spent the weekend at my grandmother's place, hanging out with my cousin, my aunt and four dogs. It was heaven. My grandma spoiled me with salmon and shrimps, aunt spoiled me with new pants (first pair of pants I've had that actually fit, since I was like, seventeen), the dogs with more love than I've recieved in total the past four years or so, and my cousin with tons and tons of laughter. We looked through my grandma's old lady-magazines with pictures of royal families and decided most of them look like a dying Pennywise the Clown. We also decided that he, my brother and I are going to create the three wise men in WoW and play them like we mean it. If my cousin's girlfriend wants to play with us, we'll make her our slave. Cause the three wise men can't be expected to carry their own shit right?

I also went back to TKD. I didn't tell people why I was so down I couldn't stand seeing humans, but Oscar patted me and told me I had his immoral support and massive listening skills if I needed it anyway. I don't even really know the guy, he just kicks me in the stomach from time to time, so that was unexpected and quite warming. I also got a second chance at my yellow belt in a couple of weeks. I told Oscar I wasn't sure I wanted to give up my white belt since to me it represented white power. He said I could keep it and use it on my spare time, so that's a great relief.