Thursday, April 30, 2009

HALP MEEE

Oh, by the way, anyone reading this spend any considerable amount of time in south east Asia? I need to figure out the average costs of the basic necessities; food, transportation, child prostitutes, that stuff. Halp?

To: StigmataHandjob

Date:

Apr 30, 2009 10:43 PM

Subject:

hi ım ram.how are u?

Body:

ı like you realy ! do u think marriage any??realy.

To:Ram

Date:

Apr 30, 2009 11:13 PM

Subject:

RE: hi ım ram.how are u?

Body:

Do you realy? I realy like you too! I don't realy think marriage any, but if I ever did, I'd consider you. Realy, I would. Thing is, I have certain.. preferences, like, some people don't like it much realy. Sometimes I like pulling out a part of my man's colon through his anus, and stick hair pins through it. I've had several men break up with me because of this, and it makes me realy very sad. Do you have a problem with this, Ram? Do tell me, realy. I eagerly await your response.

tissuetapping.

I've read 2600 pages the past week. Not counting the stuff I had to read for school. My conclusion: I. Love. Richard. Adams. If you haven't ATLEAST read Watership Down you're not allowed to do anything else before you have. I'll wait here.
...
...
...okay I can't wait longer. But promise me you'll do it.

Anyways, I just finished reading Traveller by beforementioned brit, and towards the end I had to actually hide under a blanket so noone would hear me when I had to whisper-wail "horsieeeeee noooooooooooo" like a good emotional retard should. The book is about General Robert E. Lee who did some awesome stuff for the Army of Northern Virginia in the American Civil War, and his horse Traveller. It's the best book I've read in a very long time, and by far the best book about friendship I've ever read.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

zpabengiah.

My bird died today. It felt so wrong, burying him. Putting a bird in the ground. I'd rather have cremated him but I think the neighbors would've wondered if they saw me frying a budgie in the back yard. Or even worse, they would've wanted a taste and I'd have to defend my poor dead Cloud from redneck zombies.

My only good neighbor is moving. That's a bad thing. A good thing is that she gave me her old TV. Old but functional and I was quite pleased until my brother dropped his half of it when we carried it down the stairs. So now I have an old non-functional TV that takes up half my bedroom AND a busted arm, from suddenly getting hit with like 60 kilos of TV. Where was the fucking parental control on that one, mormons? Ever consider the REAL dangers a TV can put you in? Then again it takes a real TV to do some real damage and you probably only have those slim, trendy flatscreens.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

shew

Good news: the spider made it. He lives behind the shampoo. I named him Günther Goethe and I hope he'll be good friends with the butterfly Bruce-Morten who lives in the basement.
Two important things happened today. First, I was sitting on the toilet when a spider wanders down my arm. I poked its shoulder gently to get its attention and it falls off my arm and into my pants. I take the pants off and shake them to get the spider out, but alas, it would not leave. I was confused and worried but eventually forced to put the pants back on anyway. It was traumatizing and if I give birth to Spiderman I don't know how to make the father pay child support. I don't even know that spider's last name. The dilemma.

Second, I went outside to sit on the grass and read in the Sunlight of Awesomeness. As soon as I picked out a good spot to plant my ass on, a vicious cloud deliberately gets in the way and the world turns cold. So I go back inside, and the sun comes out. So I go back out and the cloud goes AHA! and rushes right back. Fucking bastard did that over and over til I gave up and went to the computer instead. Now the sun is whoring its light to everyone in the fucking world out there, but it won't fool me again.

Happy face!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

li(f)e

I went for a walk around town today. Scanned newspaper headlines, advertisement, people. After two minutes I was so fucking repulsed I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt like Antoine Roquentin. It's so disgusting and meaningless, what people spend their lives on, what they find important. I can't relate to anyone. I'm just drifting, meaningless, surplus material in my own li(f)e. If I don't get out of here soon I'm gonna end up taking a nap on the rail tracks.

ô_o

One fine evening four years ago, I was almost as bored as I am now.


Shadow säger:
Saskatchewan Wheat Pool is a publicly traded agribusiness and is the largest grain handler and marketer in Saskatchewan.
Shadow säger:
*nods*
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
rofl
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
don’t read that shit
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
it’s depressing
Shadow säger:
But, but... Saskatchewan Wheat Pool’s business model optimizes our key position in the agri-food pipeline to connect producers with destination customers, offering quality programs and services and generating revenues at each stage along the way!

my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
!!!!!!!!!!!
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
grow wheat with me!
Shadow säger:
I thought you’d never ask!
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
fuck wheat
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
i hate wheat
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
actually, we don’t even grow wheat here
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
it’s all canola
Shadow säger:
*gasp*
Shadow säger:
My image of saskatchewan is all ruined now
Shadow säger:
there is hope!
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
hehe
Shadow säger:
for there is still Saskatchewan Roughriders! This year’s schedule has the Saskatchewan Roughriders opening the 2005 season at home against the Winnipeg Blue Bombers on Saturday, June 25th!!!!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Do ya?

Imagine a cooking show with Clint Eastwood. Him in the kitchen, whipping up some batter, going "I know what you're thinking. Did he use six eggs or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, pancake?" It would be the most awesome show in the history of shows.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The King.

Remember when the kids my mom work with sent a letter to the king of Sweden, asking how stupid one can get?

They got a reply.

The king didn't personally write them back but his secretary did, and he said unfortunately the king couldn't help them with that particular philosophical issue. But if they had any other questions they shouldn't hesitate to write again. He also sent an autographed picture of the king and his family.

Priceless.

WoW I hate you.

He: So have you tried World of Warcraft yet?
Me: No.
He: Why not?
Me: It's not a game, it's a dating simulator for people who can't be assed to learn to spell.
He: Oh come on, it's fun. You should play it with me.
Me: Eh no. I have less braindead activities to waste time on.
He: I'll be angry if you don't.
Me: I have no fear.
He: ...very angry.
Me: You'll have to do better than that.
He: Okay. If you play once, I'll let you do anything to me.
Me: Can I harvest your nipples?
He: Yes.
Me: Can I slowly rub your face against a goat's ass?
He: Anything.
Me: Okay then.


So I'm giving that shit a shot.

Sexist pigs and silent rebellions.

My femileh had two guys over to cut down the 16 meter trees hovering over the house. I helped out slicing the fuckers up once they were on the ground (the trees, not the guys), and I asked if I could try the chainsaw. "Oh no honey, this thing is heavy. You'd end up cutting your legs off" one of them said. I didn't say anything, but I made very sure to work twice as fast and hard as he did for the next two days, and to carry twice as heavy loads atleast. And I made very sure he saw it.
He didn't say anything to my face, but the other guy told me he had been mighty impressed to see a chick stronger than most men he'd ever worked with.

Next time they'll hand me the fucking chainsaw.