Sunday, March 29, 2009

stalking is stupid. but oh so fun.

I'm still high on yesterday. Edward Furlong. His naked skin against mine, clasping me tight in a




...firm handshake.




But still.


I'll always remember the feeling of his arm around me, his body against mine, and the kiss that never happened. It was the most intense moment in my twelve year old life.

Whenever I turn 26 again, I'm going to tell you about how I want to make a fake contract and insist on people signing it the next time I go hunting for autographs. That would be hilarious. "No, you sign the dotted line.. I know it says I'll get custody of your kids but never mind that now. I just want your autograph and this was the only piece of paper I have avaliable."

Saturday, March 28, 2009

OHGOD

I'm at my friend Anders's place, so I'll be brief. I just have to share while the feeling is still there and my heart is still racing: I almost fucking kissed Edward Furlong. Our lips were Isweartofuckinggod an inch away from eachother and and time had fucking stopped and I'm not even kidding. He had his arm around my shoulders, I had mine around his waist, a photographer waiting. He turns his head to the left, I turn mine to the right and he doesn't fucking move, he's actually keeping his face with his mouth slightly open, so close to mine I can feel the warmth of his breath. An inch, at most, between us. And then of course the photographer went AHERRRRM and the moment was gone, and we just looked at the camera instead. I had a Moment, an actual fucking Moment, with Edward Furlong. And that is as close to God as I'll ever be.

He is also a generally awesome, talkative and easygoing guy. With a cool t-shirt.

And now I'm going to have chicken and beer. Amen.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Librarian.

I came up with a new superhero/villain. His name is The Librarian. He looks like a vampire, and what he does is scare the shit out of people to make sure they return their borrowed books on time.

Picture a man sleeping, and there's a thunderstorm outside his bedroom window. You see a silhouette outside. Lightning lights up the room and the silhouette is inside, leaning over the bed. The man wakes up and is terrified but the Librarian is gone. Though you can still hear him whisper "return your books.. books...books.."

The man rushes out of bed, grabs his forgotten library books from a table and rushes out into the storm. The Librarian's red glowing eyes are everywhere, following him, chasing him. Hissing sounds all around him, something sharp brushes past his cheek. He falls over, crawls, gets back up and runs like a madman to the library where warm yellow light lights up the windows. He makes it inside, he's safe. The Librarian's low, guttural laugh is heard just outside the building and you get a brief glimpse of his deadly fangs when he smiles. Then he's gone.

I'm just so fucking good, I can't believe Marvel hasn't called yet.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Moar survey. MOAR!

1. Are you good at remembering all the passwords to your accounts?
I usually freeze for about 4 seconds every time I have to log in somewhere with my fingers restlessly hovering over they keys. And then I have to re-do it four times.


2. Is there a dying plant somewhere in your house right now?
Plenteh. I've only had three plants that ever liked me. But they on the other hand threaten to take over. I have to call Chris and Jill and ask them to bring the V-Jolt again soon.


3. What was the last meat product you consumed?
Chicken. It's not what I actually ate, it's what I'm calling you now.


4. Do you have any completely irrational fears?
Loads. You can have one or two if you like, I don't mind.


5. What do you think about Halloween?
Mexicans are cooler.


6. What was the last thing that made you say, "that was stupid"?
When they got the fire I started under control.


7. Do you have a treasured possession that you've had since you were young?
My brain.

8. Have you ever feared dying alone?
Yesh.


9. Is there something you want/need, but can't afford right now?
I want to travel and I wants me a PS3 and RE5, I need eye surgery and a dentist appointment.


10. Would you ever own a restaurant, and if you did, what food would it specialize in?
I wouldn't, as I fucking hate people and want as little to do with them as possible. Maybe I should run a cannibalistic hermit-restaurant. Hm.

11. Do you have anything that is rainbow-colored?
My heart, Donnie, my heart.


12. If you were pregnant right now, would you like to know the gender before hand?
Fuck gender, is it remotely human?


13. Was there a design on the last cup you drank from?
No it was completely undesigned.


14. Do you like to read comic books?
Fuck yes. Berserk in particular.


15. Is there a flashlight in the room where you are?
There is no such thing in a padded cell.


16. What is the nearest framed picture to you?
Ohgod.. I can barely say it still. Mich-NNNGGH-ael, oh, oh *splurt* Biehnnnnn



17. How often do you clean your room?
Once or twice a week, depending on how many spiders and clowns and other creatures decided to die in it.


18. What are the main colors in your country's flag?
Blue and yellow.


19. When was the last time you watched a movie in 3-D?
Such heresy. Never!


20. Do you still go to the store to buy CDs, or do you get them all online?
I haven't bought a CD since I stopped wearing diapers. Last week.


21. Would you rather be the bad guy or the good guy?
There is no such thing as good or bad. It is all a matter of perspective, fucktooth.


22. Have you ever felt bad for missing church, if you have?
I don't do church.



23. At whose house was the last party you attended?
Robert Downey JR.



24. Does the future worry or excite you?
Yes.


25. What is your opinion on the Disney Channel?
Disgusting. Stupifying, paternalistic, americanized bullshit.


26. Do you like to rearrange your room often, or has it been that way for a long time?
I like to rearrange. Sometimes I put the roadkill next to the green vase, sometimes next to the blue vase.


27. Tell me joke:
No. You don't deserve one, you've been bad.


28. Do you find marriage important, or is it just a piece of paper?
It's important if you're gay, appearantly. But I'm not so I really don't give a shit.


29. Are you influenced by celebrity endorsements?
They're just fucking people. Except Michael Biehn, he's a god.


30. Does your house have a fireplace?
My house IS a fireplace.

The List.

Modelling contests I would like to see:

1) Miss Plague
2) Miss Donald Trump-lookalike
3) Miss Mole-hair
4) Miss Cellulite
5) Miss Naked Sad Clown
6) Miss Tapeworm
7) Miss Elephantiasis
8) Miss Most Innovative Nosehair
9) Miss Longest Toenails
10) Miss Skin-outside-in.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Mm, TKD.

When I arrived at the dojang Oscar jumped out and blocked the way to the little girls' room. I had to kick him repeatedly to make him go away. He squealed. Things got even better from there, and for three hours I was too busy focusing on forcing my trembling muscles to perform better, faster, stronger kicks to have time to think. I also had thirty people walk on my stomach one by one, so now I can atleast pretend the pain is in the muscles and not from some acidic place deep inside.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Gone.

I wanted to tell you about the Thor Heyerdahl-biography I found. I wanted to tell you about my aunt's new dog, about her ridiculously big eyes and how she looks like Yoda's and ET's semi-retarded love child. I wanted to tell you P is moving back to Denmark, and that it's going to be lonely without her. Well, lonlier. I wanted to tell you about how I fucked up my knee while stretching last time I went to TKD. Kicking went just fine, but stretching made something pop inside and now it hurts like shit and that's funny to me. I wanted to tell you about spring, about how the sunlight actually feels warm at times and bright purple thingys are breaking through the ground. I think they're called flowers. About how insanely blue the sky is over the ocean these days. I wanted to tell you about accidently kicking my dad in the chest when he accidently tried to smack me in the face. How I love our completely dysfunctional reflexes.

But you're not there anymore so I couldn't.

Friday, March 20, 2009

True, true.

Strays.

I went to see my grandmother the other day. Her friend N was there, and he had a rant to share.
Now while N rants, he's keeping a very straight face, and sometimes it's hard to hear what he's saying, so people who aren't used to his particular form of broken Swedish normally just smile and nod politely. Cause they're Swedes and that's what Swedes do, they nod politely while not really paying attention. Anyway, N, an elderly gentleman, kicks off these insane monologues about everything and nothing, and when he knows people don't really follow but just pretend to, he tends to.. stray from the serious path.

So. N told me, and the others present, about how he had been to the doctor several times for his frequent nose bleeds. The others are doing the Swedish thing and he knows it, so he goes "the doctor can't do anything to fix my nose, so I asked him for a nose transplant instead. The doctor says okay, and he had some nice noses there to choose from, and they really were very nice. REALLY nice. There was one I liked in particular so I said THIS is the nose I want, and it was a really cool gorilla nose. He's going to transplant it next thursday."

By then I find it hard to not laugh at his serious face and the nodding pale people around him, so I start giggling and everyone thinks I'M the idiot. After all, he was talking about a serious condition. Blood, ferchrissakes. And, you know, stuff. But he winked at me and now we have a secret, our contempt for the Normal People. The rambling immigrant with the nose bleed and the village idiot. I could be in worse company I guess.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Stolen from Daniel.

How come the people who find Jesus...
... are the sort of people Jesus would have reason to hide from?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Feh. People.

It's kinda easy to tell when A hasn't seen her long-distance boyfriend in a while.

Me: "Hey it's me. Sorry I didn't call you. I thought about you before and I was going to, but something came up and I forgot."
She: "You.. thought about me?"
Me: "Uh, yeah. So you wanna go see Watchmen or what?"
She: "I can't believe you said that. That's so romantic."
Me: "ô_ô"
She: "Of course I wanna go. You can sleep here after. Man now I feel all warm inside."
Me: "...
...
...
Actually I just remembered I have to do something tonight. Sorry, maybe we can go later."
She: "Aw. Well I'll be thinking of you."
Me: "...later."

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Duh.

I'm not needy. I'm not dependent. I'm a perfectly autonomous and mature adult, who is undeniably capable of taking care of herself.

12:46am simady:
im gonna be a bit busy for now..

12:46am Linda:
aw

12:46am simady:
since im the only one who can look after my grandma :( and gotta clean the house ..

12:46am Linda:
but who's gonna look after me?

12:46am simady:
so im semi afk a bit.

12:46am Linda:
WHO'S GONNA CLEAN ME?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

uh, okay

You know you need to get some fucking sleep when you're skimming job ads and there's one for an organic grocery store, and you start picturing an entire store full of organs, shopping carts loaded with livers and gall bladders and kidneys and people working there with blood up to their knees and elbows.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

A tale of worship.

A childhood dream came true today. I got to meet Michael Biehn, who stars in my two all time favourite movies - Terminator, and Aliens. I got his autograph on a photo of him from Aliens, which made me cream my pants, and I also had a picture taken with him. AND I told him he's awesomeness incarnate, which made him smile which made me happy. I never thought I'd sink as low as to engage in celebrity worshipping, but hey, this isn't any celebrity, this is KYLE FUCKIN' REESE!

I'm not gonna post the picture here, if you want to see you'll have to ask for it (you fucking lurker), but it is pretty funny. I'm looking at the guy like I wanna pull his pants off with my teeth. Had he been twenty years younger, I definately would've. Even ten. Hell I'd still do it, IT'S DWAYNE HICKS FOR FUCKS SAKE! Married for so many years and I still adore the man! So he hasn't been married to me, but still. I had his arm around my back, it's almost the same thing. Shut up, let a stalker dream.

Slumdog Millionaire.

Swedish premier for Slumdog Millionaire tonight. I was there. First time I've done anything remotely fun since I came home. It was a really entertaining film. Usually when I go to the cinema, I spend most of the time obsessing over my inability to just pause the movie if I need to pee, but this time I was actually into it. I also developed a semi-crush on Dev Patel and I'm not sure why. Must be because he's into taekwondo and all men who are, are stunning by default. It's true.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sea.

I have an incredibly strong urge to walk down to the beach, to sit on the sand in the pitch black night and wait for the tide to take me with it.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

surveh time.

Old survey. I noticed I hadn't posted it here, so now I will! The answes are outdated since I'm not in my darling-Canada now, but I figure you might enjoy anyway.


Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you?
~ I'm wearing a concrete hat, in case I need to dive really deep into a pool.


Last thing you bought while at the mall?
~ A blowjob from a portugese hooker.


Who is the main person you talk to daily?
~ My imaginary friend Kurt-Burt set aside, that'd be Leichin.


Ever been in an ambulance?
~ Only to steal a corpse. It was a dare.


Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing?
~ It's a white t-shirt with a blood stain on the right bewb. It belongs to Lan. The t-shirt, not the blood. Or the bewb.


Do you like your name?
~ No it talks about me behind my back.


Do you take the escalator, elevator or steps?
~ Steps, while listening to Eye of the Tiger. All day.


When was the last time you were at a circus?
~ I stopped touring when I was 12.


What was your last large purchase?
~ My inflatable castle. <3


Where will your next vacation be?
~ As soon as I can afford to go to West Virginia.


What is the last thing you ate?
~ Cinnamon buns that Lan made. <3


Last time you were at the playground?
~ About three months ago, on my first night in Montreal.


Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
~ Julius Caesar.


Fancy restaurants, diners, or fast food?
~ fast food. It requires the least amount of human interaction.


Do you order more when you don’t have to pay?
~ Less. I'm only cheap on other peoples behalf.


Could you go a day without eating?
~ I do all the time.


Who is the last person you IM'd?
~ Orchie.


Does it take a lot to make you cry?
~ Depends. Mostly I can't cry even when I try, sometimes a fucking pet obituary is enough.


Are your parents strict?
~ My dad's name is Machiavelli. :(


Does the thought of marriage scare you?
~ Not as much as it would scare any future husband.


Are you in college?
~ Last semester of university.


Are you bored?
~ Too intrigued to be bored.


Do you bang your head when listening to rock music?
~ I like ironing roadkill.


What kind of cell phone do you have?
~ One you can call people with. Yeah.


What did your last text message say?
~ Do not fail at showering.

Have you ever been in a cave?
~ I'm swedish, I live in one.


Last thing you drank?
~ Seagull snot.


Would you rather skydive or bungee jump?
~ Both! At the same time!


What’s one place you would like to visit?
~ Kamakura, Japan.


How are you feeling today?
~ Intrigued. I had an out of body experience.


Do you have lip gloss on?
~ Not on my lips. ;D


Do you have eyeliner on?
~ Not on my eyes. ;D


Who’s the last person that you felt was stalking you?
~ Michael Phelps.


Where is your cell phone?
~ in Narnia.


Have you ever been on your school’s track team?
~ Yes once when they were all arranged into a neat pile, I jumped on top of it.

Are you afraid of the dark?
~ Not at all. The pale things lurking in the dark however..


Did you used to watch "are you afraid of the dark"?
~ Fuck yeah, I LOVED that show.


What size shoe are you?
~ 40. Eat that, americans.


Do you have a dirty mind?
~ Nonsese, I scrub and polish it with car wax every day.


What's your stand on hunting?
~ It's stupid. You wanna feel proud about killing something, kill it on equal terms. Guns are cheating.


Are you excited for anything?
~ FINISHING THE BOTTLE OF WATER YAAAY

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Tribes.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've always imagined.”
-Thoreau.

I try to pay heed to this. But.. dude. I never had any dreams. Or confidence. I never even imagined living this long. I don't WANT anything. So I tried to remember what made me happy before, what makes me happy now. Just to, I don't know, if I can't want anything I can atleast try to be grateful for the things I've had. Or something. This is purely for my own peace of mind, but you're welcome to listen in. I have no structure here, I'm just writing down whatever I'm thinking of at the moment. Grateful for, makes me happy, start of rant.

My horses.
Waking up at dawn to be greeted by their hungry whinnies, and the sound of them chewing fifteen minutes later. Warming your face on their big, ragged necks in winter, having grass juice rubbed all over you in the summer. Sharing a carrot. Scratching a particularly itchy spot behind their ears. Racing a friend along the beach, holding on to a bare back with all the strength you have left in your legs. There. Is. Nothing. Better.

My cats.
I was there when they were born, I was there when they died, and they were there for me every day in between. There is no creature on this planet I have ever loved as much.

Taekwondo.
Strength. Stamina. Flexibility. Balance. Control. Technique. And the highly satisfying sound you hear when you kick something hard enough and high enough to know that heads could be broken if you ever find yourself needing it. Plus, it's the most fun I've had in years.

Friends. Two in particular.
Loba was the most important person in my life for 19 years. He made me laugh like no one else ever has (and he still does). He's the first person I ever beat a co-op game with, the first person I trusted to tell a secret, the first person I would think of and talk to when something, anything, happened that I wanted to share with someone. I got my first bee sting because of him, he got his first pair of cowboy chaps because of me (yes, yes he did). We no longer spend seven hours every day talking on the phone, nor do we hang out every weekend (or even any weekend) but he's still a major influence in my life. Always will be. Even if I never get to sleep in his closet ever again. He's the best friend and the best cousin anyone with a sense of humor could possibly have had.
Leichin. Oh man, where to start on that one. He's an asshole. THE asshole. If those small alien ships that took out fighter planes in Independence Day were ordinary assholes, and the bigger ones that took out cities are people like my old German teacher, he'd be that big fat mother ship that Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith smokes cigars in at the end.
But he's also awesomeness incarnate and I have never connected with anyone like with him. He's funny, he's smart, and he never learns to keep his guard up so there's always a way to cause him immense physical pain. Which is a very important trait in a best friend.
I would do anything for him.
Then there's a handful of other people who have meant a lot to me in the past. A few who still do. They are all a part of what has shaped (and sharpened) me. There's my family, dysfunctional and cause of much grief, but I love them and they make me laugh (AT them, not with them).

These days, my life is basically all about the creatures closest to me. The few that are still left. They hurt. I can't make them heal. I can't make them not miserable, I can't stop them from hurting and dying and I can't stop loving them to the extent where I lose myself. I give my dignity away. I keep forgiving until there's nothing left of me. A pattern is established, imprinted on my psyche. I will never live my dreams because in my dreams they are happy. I can't make that happen. Sometimes you think you can love someone enough, but you can't. It doesn't work that way. Sometimes, that makes me feel so alone I can't breathe. I can't live the life I imagined. Don't expect me to care about career choices, pool parties, nice houses, big screen TVs. None of that shit means anything to me.

What I want.. All I want is laughter and love and memories. I want my family to be well enough for me to be able to leave and not worry about them for a while. I want them to have faith when I lose mine. I want to not have to experience those fucking painful days and weeks and months and years of trying to understand, the emptiness of losing. Of just waiting for something to finally snap.

I want to be good enough to deserve being cared for by the people I care for. I don't know if I ever will be. Probably not.

I want everyone to know they matter.

And I want to be able to take off once in a while. Go new places. Be free and not have to worry, not be grinded by guilt.

I have no idea how to achieve any of this.

But it was still pretty nice to get this off my rack.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

just a reflection
just a glimpse
just a little reminder
of all the what abouts
and all the might have
could have beens
another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue
and now you're one of us
the wretched

the hopes and prays
the better days
the far aways
forget it

it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?

now you know
this is what it feels like
now you know
this is what it feels like

the clouds will part and the sky cracks open
and god himself will reach his fucking arm through
just to push you down
just to hold you down
stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
and it's hard to believe it could come down to thisback at the beginning
sinking
spinning

and in the end
we still pretend
the time we spend
not knowing when
you're finally free
and you could be

but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

now you know
this is what it feels like
now you know
this is what it feels like

you can try to stop it but it keeps on coming
you can try to stop it but