Tuesday, December 29, 2009

omg

AVFÄRD
Köpenhamn - Helsingfors
to 25.03.2010
08:55 - 11:25

Helsingfors - Tokyo
to 25.03.2010
17:20 - 10:00 (fr)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

bibuy

One good thing and one bad thing happened today. Saw my parents for an early father's day dinner, which was actually quite awesome. I didn't bring my dad a present, just told him that he should be aware that every day is father's day when you've got a kid like me. And then I made him laugh until he folded over and tears gushed down his cheeks, which was pretty nice. He doesn't laugh a lot anymore. It was like a chained corpse on the bottom of a lake coming free and blorping up to the surface. Except, not disgusting or rotting or dead. Or smelly. Well, not THAT smelly. He doesn't brush his teeth enough though, that much is true.

Bad thing: the only person I actually gave a shit about outside my family, got busted for drug smuggling. Not that I saw her more than once a year at most anyway, but she's not the kind of person who can handle that kind of sentence so I'm pretty worried about her.

Other than that, I've come to the conclusion that I've got nothing important to say, and even if I did it's not like anyone would give a shit about it anyway, so I'm gonna stop blogging. For now, atleast.

So.

This is StigmataHandjob, W564502460H, executive officer, last survivor of the commercial starship Nostromo signing off. Fuck you and goodnight.

Friday, November 6, 2009

weelleam <3

Change of plans, the loveling dog won't come over til next sunday. Which is probably good considering.

William säger:
maybe you'll be the harbinger of the zombie apocalypse
Shadow säger:
thats what im striving for
went to the doctor today they sucked pus out of my ears
smelled like a rotting foot
entirely unpleasant
William säger:
now you have something new to wish on your enemies hehe
Shadow säger:
so im gonna spend tuesday to friday at the hospital
haha yeah
William säger:
you guys have a quite decent socialized medical system, no?
Shadow säger:
yeah, you simply cant pay more than 100 bucks
unless its "unnecessary" stuff like my eye surgery
William säger:
did you get lazored?!?
Shadow säger:
yeah
William säger:
so awesome
now you can be a cyborg zombie
Shadow säger:
it hurt like shit for three days but man its worth it
first night i sat and stared at a shirt lying on the floor
completely absorbed with how the light fell on the wrinkles
and leaves man, i can see leaves on the trees, not just a big green bulb
it is teh <3
my eyes are so good i CAN SEE WHAT YOURE DOING
AND I DONT LIKE IT
William säger:
yes you do
Shadow säger:
STOP THAT
William säger:
it's totally natural

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

LOVELOVELOVE@#!



I've been so sick lately. I've slept for 31 of the past 48 hours. But today I got news that made all sickness seem utterly irrelevant. The gorgeous thing on the left is going to be my new best friend and roommate for two weeks starting friday. She's from a home for mistreated animals and I can't express how fucking happy and proud I am to have her entrusted to me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

More boring and free advertising for awesome things: The Path.

You. Must. Play. This. Game. It's on Steam for 7€ and it's the best spent money ever.

Pasted from reviews since I can't be assed to write one:

"The Path is a strange, unusual, progressive and unique game, which may even be important for the industry and the development of the form in a handful of ways. It’s also so arty that it makes Braid look like 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand."

"The Path represents a prime paradox in the world of games. It is simple to play, but incredibly deep in its execution. It’s mystical, often perplexing, and more disturbing than pleasant."

"Mysterious, brutal and beautiful, this game tells a childhood story so dark it truly delivers the original spirit of the fairy tales, in all its grisly glory."

"This is the game that real gamers scream for at the top of their lungs. This is something new. This is what needs to be heralded from rooftops, shown to every new developer; when you bought FEAR or Doom, you didn’t know it, but that disgust on your face was you screaming “WHY CAN’T YOU BE THE PATH?!?!?!!”"

You're not getting away. Period.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Uh.

I was doing pretty well despite my head being an infected furnace. I felt fairly content, preparing my application for an internship position at an NGO in Kenya (where, if I get in, I'll be spending five months this spring/summer), playing a good old adventure game on the computer (The Longest Journey, really clever and fun and has the best dialogue I've heard in a game in a LONG time), and being around the dogs for hours every day. And then, earlier this evening, I was just lying on the couch watching one of Loba's crappy war movies while drowsily pondering how I could ever forget how cute Kenichi Matsuyama is, when I was completely overcome with sadness. For no reason. I just miss them all so much still and it always hits me when I least expect it.

Monday, October 26, 2009

So the soon to be three months old ear inflammation became a pretty bad infection, the meds aren't helping and it has now spread to my jaw. I can taste it sometimes. If I'm unlucky, it'll start eroding the bone in my temple aswell and mayhaps damage my brain. If I'm lucky, it'll start eroding the bone in my temple and damage my brain to the point where I'll die. I'm not too concerned though, I've never been very lucky.

Other than that, four things of importance has happened lately. I've re-discovered how much fun it is to play chess, I've read a really awesome book, and I accidently peeled off a piece of my nail when I was trying to cure boredom by shaving my fingers. Fourth thing I'll elaborate on in another blog entry. Now, to the book.

Confessions of an economic hitman by John Perkins. Read it. And when you've read it, give it to a friend so they can read it too. It should be mandatory reading for everyone in the West. It is brutal and awesome. That concludes todays review.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

the drugs don't work

I can't be assed to write about what's happened lately so I'm just gonna copy&paste a convo in Swedish.


Shadow säger:
du vet mina öron
var hos doktorn två gånger på en månad, de skrev bara ut mer kortison och yrade om att man inte skriver ut penicillin för öroninflammationer längre
tredje doktorn, där jag var igår, brydde sig faktiskt om att kolla dem
de var skitinflammerade och fulla med var i hela innerörat och mellanörat
så det är inte så konstigt att jag inte kunnat höra
båda doktorerna innan har inte ens brytt sig om att kolla
så jag fick en skitstark medicin nu som slår ut alla bakterier i hela kroppen, inklusive immunförsvaret
och i värsta fall får de borra hål bakom mina öron
Zooieh säger:
oooh
Shadow säger:
in i innerörat
för att tappa ut varet
Zooieh säger:
på allvar?
Shadow säger:
ja
det har gått månader utan att nån har brytt sig, så det har gått så långt att jag kan få permanenta hörselskador
Zooieh säger:
men så jävla idiotiskt
Shadow säger:
plus att om det blir riktigt infekterat kan det skada skallen också
skitkul om en massa ruttet var käkar sig in i hjärnan
Zooieh säger:
nej inte direkt
det suger verkligen
Shadow säger:
lite, ja.
att man ska behöva leta i månader för att hitta en doktor som tar en på allvar
Zooieh säger:
du borde kunna stämma dem på något sätt
Shadow säger:
<--inte lyckling kyckling

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Dead astronaut in space.

I don't know if trees make sounds when they fall in the woods and noone's there to hear them, but I do know they make sounds when I'm there to hear them. Atleast the one that fell right fucking next to me yesterday made a lot of noise. And it was mighty powerful. I asked it to do it again but it was too tired to get up, it said.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

uh

Spent the night at my parents' place. I had to tape a sleeping bag to the window in my old room to be able to sleep in it. Six blankets and I almost didn't shiver anymore. My cat, who normally does her best to amputate my face, actually curled up in my arms and licked my cheek. She hasn't done that since she was a baby and we still hadn't learned she's evil. I don't know who she thinks she's fooling but it was still nice with some rat-breath on my face. They also renamed her again, nowadays she's called Mold.

My dad was bored so he decided to bake. He's not bored anymore but his hands are all burnt and he's screaming like a little girl. But the cookies were good.

All is as normal as it gets here.

piggy

hey pig
yeah you
hey pig piggy pig pig pig
all of my fears came true
black and blue and broken bones you left me here I'm all alone
my little piggy needed something new

nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care
nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
cause I just don't care

hey pig
nothing's turning out the way I planned
hey pig there's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand
what am I supposed to do?
I lost my shit because of you

nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care
nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
cause I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore

nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me now

Thursday, October 1, 2009

linguistics

Shadow säger:
the cheapest I can find is 199 danish crowns
which is 24 quid

Adam säger:
oh not bad
im surprised foreign people use the word quid
i thought it was a totally british slang thing

Shadow säger:
well it is
i just cant be assed to do the £ sign

Adam säger:
i wonder where the word came from
quid
sounds like common muck

Shadow säger:
someone got mugged and brutally beaten by a squid
and his last word
trying to tell people who did it
was "---quid"
and theyre like "hes trying to tell us they took his money!"
and he's like "no..s..uh..q--quid"
"oh poor man, his teeth have all been knocked out. yes, yes, they took your money, we know"
"nnngh"
and the man dies.
"he's dead. poor guy, he never got to find out who beat him and took his.. what was the word? quad?"
"no, quid"
"quid. i quite like that."
"indeed. let's always refer to our monetary possessions as quid from now on"
"grand idea, thomson, grand idea"
I love Amos. To humiliate his fellow dogs, he flips them over on their backs and humps their faces. All while keeping that blissful dog-smile on.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

German is not the prettiest language ever, but it's definately the best when it comes to describing the things that can't really be described. You'll never find a word as haunting and perfect as ausschusskind for example. For those of you who don't speak German, it means discarded child or garbage child, and was introduced during the 1930s when the nazis first started experimenting on mentally disabled children. Life unworthy of life, as they were also called.
Bruno S, an actor who stars in two of my favourite movies, was one of these children. In an article I just stumbled upon he spoke of das loch der vergessenheit, or the hole of forgottenness, another one of these perfect fucking descriptions you just wouldn't find in any other language. Or spoken by any other person really. It says everything I've been trying to shape into words for the past 17 years and never even got close to.

The Article

Monday, September 28, 2009

thursday.

After having to get up at 6 to see a dentist, after 3½ hours of sleep, I was pretty tired when my grandma called at 9 a.m and asked me to go with her to the hospital. "It won't take long" she said. "You'll be out of there in no time, I just need someone to help me push my wheelchair".
Six hours later we were finally done, which was lucky since I had an appointment with the people who sliced up my eyes and I had to really hurry to be there on time. Once there they told me my eyesight was exceptional considering I was virtually blind when they did the operation and that the results surpassed their expectations. That was awesome. I could finally go home and relax for a bit.
Except on my way back my mom calls and tells me I have to hurry my ass over to the house, cause she needs to go to the emergency room and her car broke down on the way there. So I hurry home and my brother and I take his car to pick up my mom and take her to the hospital. We wait for five hours before she gets to see a doctor. The air in the waiting room is horribly stale, a glass of water costs money and the only thing there is to read is golf magazines from 1977 and a book about China.
Once we finally get out and get on the road, my brother manages to hit another car. Noone got hurt but it fucked up the steering on our car, which made the long drive back pretty dangerous and not very pleasant.
They drop me off at the apartment on their way back, and as I climb the stairs all I can think of is getting through the front door before I pass out. And maybe even manage to eat something first, which would be even better. So I open the door and my cousin is lying on the couch surrounded by all our blankets covered in sweat, and a bucket of puke in front of him. He asks me if I would mind sleeping at our grandma's place since he's really sick and would prefer to be alone. Of course I can't say no, so I throw some clothes in a plastic bag and start walking across town to her place. Half an hour later I just arrived there, when he calls again and asks me to come back cause he's so sick he's afraid to be alone. I drop off my stuff at my grandma's and go back, then spend the night feeding him meds, rubbing his neck, getting him cold water and wet towels, opening and closing the window when he's hot/cold. I even give him a face massage to get him to go to sleep, which he finally does at around four.
After which I walked back to my grandma's place and drank a liter of water and fell asleep. I had to get up every five minutes to pee, but it meant getting to go back to a warm bed after so I didn't mind too much. Not after a day like that.

Monday, September 21, 2009

torture.

Torture is not about what the torturer does to the victim, it's what the torturer makes the victim do for them.

And remember kids, nobody gets what they deserve, you only get what you take.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Friday, September 18, 2009

I dreamt that I was in a Russian spelling bee with Jack Nicholson. I was invited to the winners house afterwards to help her family dig a well.

I really wish I could just stay asleep.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Water.

Went to see the parental units the other day. Took a walk by the sea with my dad in a place called Gamla Bro, which means Old Bridge. I like that name. I like the place too. There were six horses with foals roaming around, and hundreds and hundreds of baby fish in the very clear and very still water. We sat on a pier and watched them and the birds and the sky and enjoyed the stillness and the sun and all of a sudden, just like that, for the first time in a year, I felt at peace with myself. The black hole in my back was gone, if only for a while. It came back later of course, but I had a moment of rest and that was wonderful.

Yesterday I tried vibration training, which was really silly but kind of fun and a good way to start prepping my body for the shock it'll be to go back to TKD. One more week til I can start training for real again. Can't wait. In the evening I went for a run with Amos on the beach, but I kind of ended up just standing still staring at the water most of the time. It was really windy and gray and the waves were huge by our standards. It was wild and beautiful and I wished I could've been it.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

My family is fucked up in so many ways, but atleast we have the best sense of humor ever.

Grandma: So how's it going? You guys still get along even though you're living together?
Cousin: Yeah, we're good. Sometimes I see her sitting by the computer and I just want to walk up behind her and put a wire around her neck and strangle her, but other than that we're doing fine.
Grandma: Bah, silly. No fighting?
Me: Nope. Not yet.
Grandma: You don't argue over who's gonna use the shower first in the morning?
Me: Nah, we shower together. Solves all problems.
Cousin: Yep.
Grandma: ...
Cousin: It's legal for cousins you know.
Me: Yes. And a little bit of inbreed is just healthy. Makes the immune system stronger in the offspring. So maybe you'll have great-grandkids soon.
Grandma: That's really sick.
Cousin: :D
Me: :D

Friday, September 11, 2009

"The scarcest resource on the planet today is the ability to listen."

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm also completely fucking retarded. Just now, inbetween this post and the previous, I went to the bathroom to take what we Swedes refer to as a piss. And I somehow managed to pinch my ass with the toilet seat. Twice. I've never done that before in my life, I still don't know how it happened, and I did it twice in like five seconds.

Science, halp me.
This is fucking ridiculous. I've cleaned the apartment and made dinner and now I'm watching a movie waiting for my cousin to come home. Not only am I a fucking house bitch, I'm a house bitch who doesn't even get cock for the trouble.

Then again he will sing me songs about why rocks are good and sand sucks, so I guess I don't go all empty handed.

On a different note: Oscar, sorry I didn't write you back about the fika. I'm socially comatose rather than just socially handicapped these days. I'll get back to you on that when I feel less like a fucking ogre.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Also, I'm baking stuff all the time cause it's so much fun and it smells good and I have an excuse to stay in and play Fallout 3 when I have to babysit the oven, but I can't be assed to eat the crap. So if anyone wants to come over for a fika, let me know.
Eye surgery was the most physically painful thing I've done since I had a muscle kicked off by a horse. They use pressure to slice off a piece of your eye so I guess that's natural though. It only hurt for a day but there's still a milky veil fucking up my vision, hence my online absence. Haven't been able to read til now. It takes a long time for the brain to get used to seeing too. I get tired really easily now cause I'm totally bombarded with things I've never been able to see before. Like separate leaves on the trees. The first night I spent hours staring at a shirt lying on the floor, completely fascinated with how the light fell on the folds and wrinkles. I have to sleep with these plastic cups over my eyes for a week which makes me feel like a fly, which is cool. During the days I have to wear sunglasses which makes me feel like Lindsey Lohan which is not.

I'm living at my cousin's apartment now. He's been out of town for two weeks, comes back tomorrow to do laundry and then he's off again. I have the place all to myself 90% of the time. It's so fucking great living alone. I spend my days running around with the four darling dogs. Bella actually howls with joy when I come over lately. It's nice to have someone who cares, even if it's someone who thinks rabbit shit is the tastiest snack in the world. Amos shows affection by chewing on peoples faces. Loba's nose is always red because of it, and lately, so is my right ear. He's such a loveling, they keep me going.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Dax. Seriously. Dax. Marry me.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Been home for a fucking day and I'm already back in the old despair again. Lost what little hope I had mustered, again. Wanting nothing more than to not have to live. Again.

D said, in a comment to one of my blog entries, that he couldn't believe I couldn't see my own value. The value of an object is determined when comparing it to other objects of similar sort. My value is very clear right there; absolutely fucking nothing.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Slowly but surely picking up the pieces.

Shadow säger:
well again, youre american
you dont really function like the rest of us
BJ säger:
i don't even function well as an American
What nationality do you think I should be?
Shadow säger:
go for the irish. awesome nature, leprechauns, good horses
excuse to drink
AND its close to sweden
AND the accent is sexy
BJ säger:
Think the accent would help?
Shadow säger:
well i wouldnt have a clue what you were saying
and THAT would help
BJ säger:
Ouch...that was a good one
Shadow säger:
mwahahaha
BJ säger:
that one actually stung a little
Shadow säger:
im quite proud of that one
BJ säger:
You should be
I was gonna write a ton of stuff about my awesome trip that involved camping on an island 5 kilometers away from the nearest person, campfire conversations with strangers about how embarassing it would be to be strangled with your own dental floss, canoeing, target shooting with guns and rifles, crayfish fishing, absinth making, salvia smoking, beer drinking, and lots lots more. But I'm too fucking tired to.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Okami.




Not only a good game, it read my personality perfectly too.

Monday, July 27, 2009

HAHA

"It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it."

Sunday, July 26, 2009

...or make its eye ball fluids evaporate.
Today is another one of those lovely days where I really just want to throw a brick through life's prostate.
I spent last night getting chased by a tiger in a grocery store. The tiger belonged to an old lady who had lost a knitting contest and decided to release her fury upon the world. It took me two hours to get out, and once I did, I remembered I had left my library books inside so I had to go back in.

I really really love sleeping and man I really REALLY hate waking up.
I heard someone talking about eucalyptus trees but he called them apocalyptus trees which is awesome, and he didn't even know he fucked it up which made it another 63% more awesome.

I also played scrabble with four dyslexics. It was the most pain inducing thing I've done in a while, but it was absolutely hilarious. Especially when one of them spent 20 minutes trying to convince me that "ucp" was a word and that it was in the dictionary.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

How am I supposed to eat when I can't even manage to swallow my own contempt for humanity most of the time?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

toni braxton.

Psooieh säger:
:(
Shadow säger:
...
:(
Psooieh säger:
:(
Shadow säger:
...UNNNBREAK MY HEEAAAARRRRT
SAY YOU'LL LOVE ME AGAAAAAIN
Had a few pleasant surprises today. Went to my old shrink and after telling her what my situation is like now, she was quiet for a while and then goes "you know, you're one of the most intelligent and insightful people I've ever met, and you're also one of the toughest. You've been through hell more than once and you still turned out awesome. Once you get away from your family you'll be back on track in no time, and when you fully realize just how strong you are there will be no stopping you." After having been told all about how weak and disgusting and vile and whatnot I am for a year, that was a pretty fucking nice change. First time someone has had a little faith in me in a long time.
Second surprise I got from my aunt who told me one of her sons friends had told her he thought I was cute. I told her to offer his family my condolences for the death of their son's taste in women, but I was quite happy still. I also found Porno at the library (the Trainspotting-sequel, not actual porn, I get that off the internet), I found awesome bras that make my cleavage look like Grand Canyon and they only cost me five bucks a piece, and I got tons of stinky wet kisses from Amos, the most beautiful dog ever. So all in all it was a really good day.

Also, conversation of awesome:
Cousin: "Hey you know gay marriage is legal in Sweden right?"
Brother: "Yeah."
Cousin: "...and you know, it's legal for cousins to marry too."
Brother: "What are you trying to say?"
Cousin smiles and places his hand on my brother's thigh.
Brother: "I wanna go home now."

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Another great book: A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby. It's about four people who randomly meet eachother on a roof from which they had all planned to jump, and instead of killing themselves that night they decide to give life six weeks. They're eachothers complete opposites but they start hanging out and hilarity ensues. It's really funny and thought provoking and surprisingly insightful. And it's not the slightest bit sappy or nostalgic, it doesn't try to teach you any fundamental lessons about life, and best of all, there's no stupid tragic or equally stupid happy ending.
There's a guy in the book called Jerry Lee Pavement who reminds me a lot of my former best friend. He's a street musician who finds other street musicians, wait til they start playing and then intentionally plays the same song at a different pace, making the result sound absolutely awful. And people love him, he gets all the money from the passerbys cause they think it's funny. The musician who was there first, in turn gets ridiculed and booed at when he punches Jerry Lee Pavement in the face. The guy is a fucking cunt but you can't help but admire his hyena-like abilities and complete lack of respect. Which is my former best friend in a nutshell.

A couple of things from the book I found to be really spot on, and some deductions or revelations regarding my own situation that I found after reading it:

You know life sucks when you can't tell someone the most basic things about yourself and your life without it sounding like you want people to pity you. That's what causes this distance, it's impossible to think of anything to say that doesn't make people feel awkward and down.

People never tell anyone what they really want, because we know we can't have it and it always sounds so banal and childish. Or we want to pretend everything is okay and it doesn't feel particularly nice to admit that it's not. Human life is based on lies. And people need their lies and their stories to bring themselves to stay alive. There are many other ways to die than to kill yourself. You can let parts of yourself die one after another and you hardly even notice it until theres nothing left anymore.

Everyone I cared about, except my family, have moved on without me. They have new lives. To them I might as well have never existed. Their past is in the past while mine is still everywhere around me. And wanting them to come back is like asking them to move out of a really nice apartment with people they like to come live in a shitty shed by the highway with me where people randomly drop by to shit on you.

I don't want to die because I hate life. I want to die because I love life. I think most people who kill themselves think the same way. They love life but life has gone down the drain and turned to shit and you can't find your way back. And being shut out like that, it devastates you. And it's when you realize that you don't hate life that the real pain starts. Cause where do you go from there? Where do you start? How do you learn to like yourself enough
to want to live with yourself? Selfrespect is a currency. You save up for years and it can all be gone in one night.

And finally and most importantly: people can say whatever the fuck they want and complicate things as much as they want, but the truth is, the only thing that can cure misery is happiness. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

There's a soccer player named Nudes who was sold a while ago, from Barcelona to Iceland. I find that intriguing. Just imagine the confusion.


Iceland: "I watched your team play and I'm willing to pay you $23 million for Nudes"
Barcelona: "!!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4

Shit like that always makes me think of my former best friend. Fuck I miss him.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I'm spending two hours in Stockholm next wednesday. Anyone wanna meet up (I'm looking at you in particular Nathanael), let me know and I'll give you the specifics.

Also, next time I'm helping someone move, I'm not doing it without my flame thrower. I saw something neat though. My mom lived in Tunisia when she was about 18, and I found a picture of her dressed in traditional tunisian clothes in front of a traditional tunisian house, washing traditional tunishan sheep intestines. That was pretty cool and I didn't expect that from my mom. Turns out she used to be married to a traditional tunisian guy who traditionally beat the shit out of her. Didn't see that coming either. Guess history repeats itself.



I have a new friend. His name is Rudolph, and he's a silverfish. He lives under my wallet and seems to be quite happy there. I like hanging out with him, he's pretty smart compared to everyone else I know.
Things are finally starting to happen around here. I'm going to see a friend in northern Sweden next week, to live in a tent on an island for a month or so. We're gonna eat tons of mosquitoes and re-enact all five seasons of Lost. After that I'm going back to Hell to start my masters programs and get my skull pierced with lasers, after which I, if I survive and don't go blind in that process, have a couple of weeks to get ready for my trip to Japan. I'm kind of hesitating to go in September now though, a friend from Canada is coming to Europe this fall and I want to be here when he does to once again fill him up with whiskey and leave him passed out in a bathtub. And maybe go to eastern Europe with him since my trip there this summer was cancelled. This is also a good choice considering I was invited to go with an American friend to Japan this spring to see the Sumo Championships and climb mt Fuji with him and his family, which would be more fun than just waddling around alone. Especially considering he can drive and I can't. Heh.
The description is not the described; I can describe the mountain, but the description is not the mountain, and if you are caught up in the description, as most people are, then you will never see the mountain.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I usually dream about really painful and depressing things. Three times a week or so it's about the loss of my best friend. Last night I dreamt I was Zorro and I had to bungyjump out of a burning building. That was such an awesome fucking change. I regained a tiny piece of myself right there.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Jebus

I applied for two masters programs, absolutely certain I didn't have a chance on either of them. I got inon both. I decided to take them at the same time.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Nejimaki-dori Kuronikuru.

Haruki Murakami's The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Nejimaki-dori Kuronikuru/Fågeln som vrider upp världen) is the most awesome book ever. Seriously. It's 741 pages and I read it in a day, that's how fucking amazing it is. If you only get to read one book this year, let that be the one.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Memory Keeper's Daughter. Kim Edwards. Read it. It'll do you good.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

conversation of win.

7:50pm Linda

how about august? i'm getting eye surgery in september

7:50pm William

probably be fall/winter

7:50pmLinda

aw dammit

7:50pmWilliam

can i have your old eye?

7:50pmLinda

sure

7:50pmWilliam

i need it for something

7:50pmLinda

you should use it as a key chain

you could rub it on people

while saying "i've got my eye on you"

7:51pmWilliam

you doing laser thing?

7:51pmLinda

yeah

7:52pmWilliam

awesome

i wanna do that

you can be cyborg swede

swedeborg

7:52pmLinda

im getting my exo skeleton next

7:52pmWilliam

which is.. like a swedish table, but whatever

wait.. that's bord

what's borg?

7:53pmLinda

ill be a cyborg table/swede

7:53pmWilliam

borg must be a word

7:53pmLinda

like an ikea transformer

Monday, June 8, 2009

swing a brick at my head kplz.

I work at a farm. 13 hours a day of shovelling shit and taking things that grow in the ground out of the ground. My coworker is from Thailand. His name is Hai. I sometimes sing to him. "Ain't no mountain hai enough" is his favourite. "Because I got hai" works too.

That's about as fun as my life is these days.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

edit.

Some asshole said that friendship, love, a good job and a good place to live was all you needed to be happy. Two years ago, I had 2/4. One year ago I had 3/4. Now I'm down to 0. That's progress baby.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

iih.

The past 24 hours have been.. eventful. Went to my class reunion and against all odds I had an awesome time. 17 people showed up, only one of them was an old bully and she ignored me all evening. It was absolutely fucking amazing to hang out with everyone. I also got two requests from people wanting me to sketch tattoos for them, which is pretty freaking amazing considering they haven't even seen how my skillz changed over the past 10 years. I didn't plan on drinking much since I had a job interview today, but I ended up going home at 5 am with seven beers, three shots of fuck knows what and I don't know how much wine and vodka and whiskey in my poor blood vessels. I was still drunk when I woke up, but atleast I woke up in a) a bed, b) my own bed and c) alone, so it's all good. It's pretty freaky though, six had gotten married and eight has kids. People MY age, married with kids, working on renovating their houses on their spare time. That's just not right in any way.

Job interview also went well. I start next week. Mebbe things are finally turning around a bit. Even if it means I'll be stuck here for the summer, atleast I'll be able to go places this fall.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

cold.

It's been five months since I came back now. Five fucking months. It feels like I've been stuck in an isolation cell for years and at the same time, my memories of Montreal are so alive and vivid, it feels like I just left yesterday.

Five months of nothing. I'm scared they'll fade. The canindians.
I'm scared of forgetting their faces, their voices, gestures, laughs. What it was like to be a part of something. What it was like to not have this fucking void in me. I'm even more scared of them forgetting. That I'll be just another name. People do that, they move on. I don't. I got nothing to move on to.

Pretty fucking pathetic to have a life where the past is more important than the present 98 % of the time. Where I'm a nuisance because I want to be a part of something that others take for granted and forgot they even had.

Pretty fucking pathetic overall.

Friday, May 8, 2009

nekkid.

I pulled my first all-nighter in a long time yesterday. Played that stupid WoW with my brother and cousin. We made the Banks family from Fresh Prince, and role played them, themesong and all. After a while we kind of got out of hand and it all ended with my character (Carlton) and my cousin's (Phil) running around naked on the hills, giggling and chasing crabs, while my brother's character (Will Smith) danced on top of a ceiling lamp dressed in a pink robe. Any game where your characters can be naked is an awesome game. Baldur's Gate still beats all, but WoW totally works too.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

whatevah.

This place is so incredibly fucking bad for me. I only came back home two days ago and I already feel like napping on the rail tracks again. Wake up at four in the morning with panic attacks, can't go back to sleep but can't leave the room cause if I do I'll be fucking attacked by people whining about how much pain they're in, expecting me to fix their problems and I fucking can't. When I was away I was happy. Really really happy. Only because I wasn't constantly reminded of the constant hurt and humiliation my family has to put up with every day. Just to not have to see and hear and feel the fucking struggle, for three days, I could be myself for the first time in I don't know how long. I forgot what it's like to not have to worry all the fucking time, to not have to take care of people I can't really help. To be a person and not just a piece of wood to cling to when they're drowning. I had energy and hopes and plans when I came home. About 24 hours later I'm back with hopelessness and despair. Fuck this shit.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

chinese philosophy

If you read the oldest text about alchemy known to man, you'll learn that aging is caused by three factors, sometimes refered to as the three worms, or the three corpses. To achieve eternal life you have to get those nasty little things out of your system. One method was through breathing right. Right, meaning breathe like a fetus in the womb, aka not at fucking all. One guy who mastered this technique was Ge Xuan (ca 200 AD) who spent his time sitting on the bottom of a lake during hot days or when he was really drunk.

I guess not breathing WOULD be an exellent way to not have to get older, so I can't say they were all wrong.

hiatus

Spent the weekend at my grandmother's place, hanging out with my cousin, my aunt and four dogs. It was heaven. My grandma spoiled me with salmon and shrimps, aunt spoiled me with new pants (first pair of pants I've had that actually fit, since I was like, seventeen), the dogs with more love than I've recieved in total the past four years or so, and my cousin with tons and tons of laughter. We looked through my grandma's old lady-magazines with pictures of royal families and decided most of them look like a dying Pennywise the Clown. We also decided that he, my brother and I are going to create the three wise men in WoW and play them like we mean it. If my cousin's girlfriend wants to play with us, we'll make her our slave. Cause the three wise men can't be expected to carry their own shit right?

I also went back to TKD. I didn't tell people why I was so down I couldn't stand seeing humans, but Oscar patted me and told me I had his immoral support and massive listening skills if I needed it anyway. I don't even really know the guy, he just kicks me in the stomach from time to time, so that was unexpected and quite warming. I also got a second chance at my yellow belt in a couple of weeks. I told Oscar I wasn't sure I wanted to give up my white belt since to me it represented white power. He said I could keep it and use it on my spare time, so that's a great relief.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

HALP MEEE

Oh, by the way, anyone reading this spend any considerable amount of time in south east Asia? I need to figure out the average costs of the basic necessities; food, transportation, child prostitutes, that stuff. Halp?

To: StigmataHandjob

Date:

Apr 30, 2009 10:43 PM

Subject:

hi ım ram.how are u?

Body:

ı like you realy ! do u think marriage any??realy.

To:Ram

Date:

Apr 30, 2009 11:13 PM

Subject:

RE: hi ım ram.how are u?

Body:

Do you realy? I realy like you too! I don't realy think marriage any, but if I ever did, I'd consider you. Realy, I would. Thing is, I have certain.. preferences, like, some people don't like it much realy. Sometimes I like pulling out a part of my man's colon through his anus, and stick hair pins through it. I've had several men break up with me because of this, and it makes me realy very sad. Do you have a problem with this, Ram? Do tell me, realy. I eagerly await your response.

tissuetapping.

I've read 2600 pages the past week. Not counting the stuff I had to read for school. My conclusion: I. Love. Richard. Adams. If you haven't ATLEAST read Watership Down you're not allowed to do anything else before you have. I'll wait here.
...
...
...okay I can't wait longer. But promise me you'll do it.

Anyways, I just finished reading Traveller by beforementioned brit, and towards the end I had to actually hide under a blanket so noone would hear me when I had to whisper-wail "horsieeeeee noooooooooooo" like a good emotional retard should. The book is about General Robert E. Lee who did some awesome stuff for the Army of Northern Virginia in the American Civil War, and his horse Traveller. It's the best book I've read in a very long time, and by far the best book about friendship I've ever read.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

zpabengiah.

My bird died today. It felt so wrong, burying him. Putting a bird in the ground. I'd rather have cremated him but I think the neighbors would've wondered if they saw me frying a budgie in the back yard. Or even worse, they would've wanted a taste and I'd have to defend my poor dead Cloud from redneck zombies.

My only good neighbor is moving. That's a bad thing. A good thing is that she gave me her old TV. Old but functional and I was quite pleased until my brother dropped his half of it when we carried it down the stairs. So now I have an old non-functional TV that takes up half my bedroom AND a busted arm, from suddenly getting hit with like 60 kilos of TV. Where was the fucking parental control on that one, mormons? Ever consider the REAL dangers a TV can put you in? Then again it takes a real TV to do some real damage and you probably only have those slim, trendy flatscreens.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

shew

Good news: the spider made it. He lives behind the shampoo. I named him Günther Goethe and I hope he'll be good friends with the butterfly Bruce-Morten who lives in the basement.
Two important things happened today. First, I was sitting on the toilet when a spider wanders down my arm. I poked its shoulder gently to get its attention and it falls off my arm and into my pants. I take the pants off and shake them to get the spider out, but alas, it would not leave. I was confused and worried but eventually forced to put the pants back on anyway. It was traumatizing and if I give birth to Spiderman I don't know how to make the father pay child support. I don't even know that spider's last name. The dilemma.

Second, I went outside to sit on the grass and read in the Sunlight of Awesomeness. As soon as I picked out a good spot to plant my ass on, a vicious cloud deliberately gets in the way and the world turns cold. So I go back inside, and the sun comes out. So I go back out and the cloud goes AHA! and rushes right back. Fucking bastard did that over and over til I gave up and went to the computer instead. Now the sun is whoring its light to everyone in the fucking world out there, but it won't fool me again.

Happy face!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

li(f)e

I went for a walk around town today. Scanned newspaper headlines, advertisement, people. After two minutes I was so fucking repulsed I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt like Antoine Roquentin. It's so disgusting and meaningless, what people spend their lives on, what they find important. I can't relate to anyone. I'm just drifting, meaningless, surplus material in my own li(f)e. If I don't get out of here soon I'm gonna end up taking a nap on the rail tracks.

ô_o

One fine evening four years ago, I was almost as bored as I am now.


Shadow säger:
Saskatchewan Wheat Pool is a publicly traded agribusiness and is the largest grain handler and marketer in Saskatchewan.
Shadow säger:
*nods*
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
rofl
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
don’t read that shit
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
it’s depressing
Shadow säger:
But, but... Saskatchewan Wheat Pool’s business model optimizes our key position in the agri-food pipeline to connect producers with destination customers, offering quality programs and services and generating revenues at each stage along the way!

my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
!!!!!!!!!!!
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
grow wheat with me!
Shadow säger:
I thought you’d never ask!
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
fuck wheat
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
i hate wheat
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
actually, we don’t even grow wheat here
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
it’s all canola
Shadow säger:
*gasp*
Shadow säger:
My image of saskatchewan is all ruined now
Shadow säger:
there is hope!
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
hehe
Shadow säger:
for there is still Saskatchewan Roughriders! This year’s schedule has the Saskatchewan Roughriders opening the 2005 season at home against the Winnipeg Blue Bombers on Saturday, June 25th!!!!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Do ya?

Imagine a cooking show with Clint Eastwood. Him in the kitchen, whipping up some batter, going "I know what you're thinking. Did he use six eggs or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, pancake?" It would be the most awesome show in the history of shows.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The King.

Remember when the kids my mom work with sent a letter to the king of Sweden, asking how stupid one can get?

They got a reply.

The king didn't personally write them back but his secretary did, and he said unfortunately the king couldn't help them with that particular philosophical issue. But if they had any other questions they shouldn't hesitate to write again. He also sent an autographed picture of the king and his family.

Priceless.

WoW I hate you.

He: So have you tried World of Warcraft yet?
Me: No.
He: Why not?
Me: It's not a game, it's a dating simulator for people who can't be assed to learn to spell.
He: Oh come on, it's fun. You should play it with me.
Me: Eh no. I have less braindead activities to waste time on.
He: I'll be angry if you don't.
Me: I have no fear.
He: ...very angry.
Me: You'll have to do better than that.
He: Okay. If you play once, I'll let you do anything to me.
Me: Can I harvest your nipples?
He: Yes.
Me: Can I slowly rub your face against a goat's ass?
He: Anything.
Me: Okay then.


So I'm giving that shit a shot.

Sexist pigs and silent rebellions.

My femileh had two guys over to cut down the 16 meter trees hovering over the house. I helped out slicing the fuckers up once they were on the ground (the trees, not the guys), and I asked if I could try the chainsaw. "Oh no honey, this thing is heavy. You'd end up cutting your legs off" one of them said. I didn't say anything, but I made very sure to work twice as fast and hard as he did for the next two days, and to carry twice as heavy loads atleast. And I made very sure he saw it.
He didn't say anything to my face, but the other guy told me he had been mighty impressed to see a chick stronger than most men he'd ever worked with.

Next time they'll hand me the fucking chainsaw.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

stalking is stupid. but oh so fun.

I'm still high on yesterday. Edward Furlong. His naked skin against mine, clasping me tight in a




...firm handshake.




But still.


I'll always remember the feeling of his arm around me, his body against mine, and the kiss that never happened. It was the most intense moment in my twelve year old life.

Whenever I turn 26 again, I'm going to tell you about how I want to make a fake contract and insist on people signing it the next time I go hunting for autographs. That would be hilarious. "No, you sign the dotted line.. I know it says I'll get custody of your kids but never mind that now. I just want your autograph and this was the only piece of paper I have avaliable."

Saturday, March 28, 2009

OHGOD

I'm at my friend Anders's place, so I'll be brief. I just have to share while the feeling is still there and my heart is still racing: I almost fucking kissed Edward Furlong. Our lips were Isweartofuckinggod an inch away from eachother and and time had fucking stopped and I'm not even kidding. He had his arm around my shoulders, I had mine around his waist, a photographer waiting. He turns his head to the left, I turn mine to the right and he doesn't fucking move, he's actually keeping his face with his mouth slightly open, so close to mine I can feel the warmth of his breath. An inch, at most, between us. And then of course the photographer went AHERRRRM and the moment was gone, and we just looked at the camera instead. I had a Moment, an actual fucking Moment, with Edward Furlong. And that is as close to God as I'll ever be.

He is also a generally awesome, talkative and easygoing guy. With a cool t-shirt.

And now I'm going to have chicken and beer. Amen.

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Librarian.

I came up with a new superhero/villain. His name is The Librarian. He looks like a vampire, and what he does is scare the shit out of people to make sure they return their borrowed books on time.

Picture a man sleeping, and there's a thunderstorm outside his bedroom window. You see a silhouette outside. Lightning lights up the room and the silhouette is inside, leaning over the bed. The man wakes up and is terrified but the Librarian is gone. Though you can still hear him whisper "return your books.. books...books.."

The man rushes out of bed, grabs his forgotten library books from a table and rushes out into the storm. The Librarian's red glowing eyes are everywhere, following him, chasing him. Hissing sounds all around him, something sharp brushes past his cheek. He falls over, crawls, gets back up and runs like a madman to the library where warm yellow light lights up the windows. He makes it inside, he's safe. The Librarian's low, guttural laugh is heard just outside the building and you get a brief glimpse of his deadly fangs when he smiles. Then he's gone.

I'm just so fucking good, I can't believe Marvel hasn't called yet.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Moar survey. MOAR!

1. Are you good at remembering all the passwords to your accounts?
I usually freeze for about 4 seconds every time I have to log in somewhere with my fingers restlessly hovering over they keys. And then I have to re-do it four times.


2. Is there a dying plant somewhere in your house right now?
Plenteh. I've only had three plants that ever liked me. But they on the other hand threaten to take over. I have to call Chris and Jill and ask them to bring the V-Jolt again soon.


3. What was the last meat product you consumed?
Chicken. It's not what I actually ate, it's what I'm calling you now.


4. Do you have any completely irrational fears?
Loads. You can have one or two if you like, I don't mind.


5. What do you think about Halloween?
Mexicans are cooler.


6. What was the last thing that made you say, "that was stupid"?
When they got the fire I started under control.


7. Do you have a treasured possession that you've had since you were young?
My brain.

8. Have you ever feared dying alone?
Yesh.


9. Is there something you want/need, but can't afford right now?
I want to travel and I wants me a PS3 and RE5, I need eye surgery and a dentist appointment.


10. Would you ever own a restaurant, and if you did, what food would it specialize in?
I wouldn't, as I fucking hate people and want as little to do with them as possible. Maybe I should run a cannibalistic hermit-restaurant. Hm.

11. Do you have anything that is rainbow-colored?
My heart, Donnie, my heart.


12. If you were pregnant right now, would you like to know the gender before hand?
Fuck gender, is it remotely human?


13. Was there a design on the last cup you drank from?
No it was completely undesigned.


14. Do you like to read comic books?
Fuck yes. Berserk in particular.


15. Is there a flashlight in the room where you are?
There is no such thing in a padded cell.


16. What is the nearest framed picture to you?
Ohgod.. I can barely say it still. Mich-NNNGGH-ael, oh, oh *splurt* Biehnnnnn



17. How often do you clean your room?
Once or twice a week, depending on how many spiders and clowns and other creatures decided to die in it.


18. What are the main colors in your country's flag?
Blue and yellow.


19. When was the last time you watched a movie in 3-D?
Such heresy. Never!


20. Do you still go to the store to buy CDs, or do you get them all online?
I haven't bought a CD since I stopped wearing diapers. Last week.


21. Would you rather be the bad guy or the good guy?
There is no such thing as good or bad. It is all a matter of perspective, fucktooth.


22. Have you ever felt bad for missing church, if you have?
I don't do church.



23. At whose house was the last party you attended?
Robert Downey JR.



24. Does the future worry or excite you?
Yes.


25. What is your opinion on the Disney Channel?
Disgusting. Stupifying, paternalistic, americanized bullshit.


26. Do you like to rearrange your room often, or has it been that way for a long time?
I like to rearrange. Sometimes I put the roadkill next to the green vase, sometimes next to the blue vase.


27. Tell me joke:
No. You don't deserve one, you've been bad.


28. Do you find marriage important, or is it just a piece of paper?
It's important if you're gay, appearantly. But I'm not so I really don't give a shit.


29. Are you influenced by celebrity endorsements?
They're just fucking people. Except Michael Biehn, he's a god.


30. Does your house have a fireplace?
My house IS a fireplace.

The List.

Modelling contests I would like to see:

1) Miss Plague
2) Miss Donald Trump-lookalike
3) Miss Mole-hair
4) Miss Cellulite
5) Miss Naked Sad Clown
6) Miss Tapeworm
7) Miss Elephantiasis
8) Miss Most Innovative Nosehair
9) Miss Longest Toenails
10) Miss Skin-outside-in.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Mm, TKD.

When I arrived at the dojang Oscar jumped out and blocked the way to the little girls' room. I had to kick him repeatedly to make him go away. He squealed. Things got even better from there, and for three hours I was too busy focusing on forcing my trembling muscles to perform better, faster, stronger kicks to have time to think. I also had thirty people walk on my stomach one by one, so now I can atleast pretend the pain is in the muscles and not from some acidic place deep inside.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Gone.

I wanted to tell you about the Thor Heyerdahl-biography I found. I wanted to tell you about my aunt's new dog, about her ridiculously big eyes and how she looks like Yoda's and ET's semi-retarded love child. I wanted to tell you P is moving back to Denmark, and that it's going to be lonely without her. Well, lonlier. I wanted to tell you about how I fucked up my knee while stretching last time I went to TKD. Kicking went just fine, but stretching made something pop inside and now it hurts like shit and that's funny to me. I wanted to tell you about spring, about how the sunlight actually feels warm at times and bright purple thingys are breaking through the ground. I think they're called flowers. About how insanely blue the sky is over the ocean these days. I wanted to tell you about accidently kicking my dad in the chest when he accidently tried to smack me in the face. How I love our completely dysfunctional reflexes.

But you're not there anymore so I couldn't.

Friday, March 20, 2009

True, true.

Strays.

I went to see my grandmother the other day. Her friend N was there, and he had a rant to share.
Now while N rants, he's keeping a very straight face, and sometimes it's hard to hear what he's saying, so people who aren't used to his particular form of broken Swedish normally just smile and nod politely. Cause they're Swedes and that's what Swedes do, they nod politely while not really paying attention. Anyway, N, an elderly gentleman, kicks off these insane monologues about everything and nothing, and when he knows people don't really follow but just pretend to, he tends to.. stray from the serious path.

So. N told me, and the others present, about how he had been to the doctor several times for his frequent nose bleeds. The others are doing the Swedish thing and he knows it, so he goes "the doctor can't do anything to fix my nose, so I asked him for a nose transplant instead. The doctor says okay, and he had some nice noses there to choose from, and they really were very nice. REALLY nice. There was one I liked in particular so I said THIS is the nose I want, and it was a really cool gorilla nose. He's going to transplant it next thursday."

By then I find it hard to not laugh at his serious face and the nodding pale people around him, so I start giggling and everyone thinks I'M the idiot. After all, he was talking about a serious condition. Blood, ferchrissakes. And, you know, stuff. But he winked at me and now we have a secret, our contempt for the Normal People. The rambling immigrant with the nose bleed and the village idiot. I could be in worse company I guess.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Stolen from Daniel.

How come the people who find Jesus...
... are the sort of people Jesus would have reason to hide from?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Feh. People.

It's kinda easy to tell when A hasn't seen her long-distance boyfriend in a while.

Me: "Hey it's me. Sorry I didn't call you. I thought about you before and I was going to, but something came up and I forgot."
She: "You.. thought about me?"
Me: "Uh, yeah. So you wanna go see Watchmen or what?"
She: "I can't believe you said that. That's so romantic."
Me: "ô_ô"
She: "Of course I wanna go. You can sleep here after. Man now I feel all warm inside."
Me: "...
...
...
Actually I just remembered I have to do something tonight. Sorry, maybe we can go later."
She: "Aw. Well I'll be thinking of you."
Me: "...later."

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Duh.

I'm not needy. I'm not dependent. I'm a perfectly autonomous and mature adult, who is undeniably capable of taking care of herself.

12:46am simady:
im gonna be a bit busy for now..

12:46am Linda:
aw

12:46am simady:
since im the only one who can look after my grandma :( and gotta clean the house ..

12:46am Linda:
but who's gonna look after me?

12:46am simady:
so im semi afk a bit.

12:46am Linda:
WHO'S GONNA CLEAN ME?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

uh, okay

You know you need to get some fucking sleep when you're skimming job ads and there's one for an organic grocery store, and you start picturing an entire store full of organs, shopping carts loaded with livers and gall bladders and kidneys and people working there with blood up to their knees and elbows.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

A tale of worship.

A childhood dream came true today. I got to meet Michael Biehn, who stars in my two all time favourite movies - Terminator, and Aliens. I got his autograph on a photo of him from Aliens, which made me cream my pants, and I also had a picture taken with him. AND I told him he's awesomeness incarnate, which made him smile which made me happy. I never thought I'd sink as low as to engage in celebrity worshipping, but hey, this isn't any celebrity, this is KYLE FUCKIN' REESE!

I'm not gonna post the picture here, if you want to see you'll have to ask for it (you fucking lurker), but it is pretty funny. I'm looking at the guy like I wanna pull his pants off with my teeth. Had he been twenty years younger, I definately would've. Even ten. Hell I'd still do it, IT'S DWAYNE HICKS FOR FUCKS SAKE! Married for so many years and I still adore the man! So he hasn't been married to me, but still. I had his arm around my back, it's almost the same thing. Shut up, let a stalker dream.

Slumdog Millionaire.

Swedish premier for Slumdog Millionaire tonight. I was there. First time I've done anything remotely fun since I came home. It was a really entertaining film. Usually when I go to the cinema, I spend most of the time obsessing over my inability to just pause the movie if I need to pee, but this time I was actually into it. I also developed a semi-crush on Dev Patel and I'm not sure why. Must be because he's into taekwondo and all men who are, are stunning by default. It's true.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sea.

I have an incredibly strong urge to walk down to the beach, to sit on the sand in the pitch black night and wait for the tide to take me with it.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

surveh time.

Old survey. I noticed I hadn't posted it here, so now I will! The answes are outdated since I'm not in my darling-Canada now, but I figure you might enjoy anyway.


Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you?
~ I'm wearing a concrete hat, in case I need to dive really deep into a pool.


Last thing you bought while at the mall?
~ A blowjob from a portugese hooker.


Who is the main person you talk to daily?
~ My imaginary friend Kurt-Burt set aside, that'd be Leichin.


Ever been in an ambulance?
~ Only to steal a corpse. It was a dare.


Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing?
~ It's a white t-shirt with a blood stain on the right bewb. It belongs to Lan. The t-shirt, not the blood. Or the bewb.


Do you like your name?
~ No it talks about me behind my back.


Do you take the escalator, elevator or steps?
~ Steps, while listening to Eye of the Tiger. All day.


When was the last time you were at a circus?
~ I stopped touring when I was 12.


What was your last large purchase?
~ My inflatable castle. <3


Where will your next vacation be?
~ As soon as I can afford to go to West Virginia.


What is the last thing you ate?
~ Cinnamon buns that Lan made. <3


Last time you were at the playground?
~ About three months ago, on my first night in Montreal.


Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
~ Julius Caesar.


Fancy restaurants, diners, or fast food?
~ fast food. It requires the least amount of human interaction.


Do you order more when you don’t have to pay?
~ Less. I'm only cheap on other peoples behalf.


Could you go a day without eating?
~ I do all the time.


Who is the last person you IM'd?
~ Orchie.


Does it take a lot to make you cry?
~ Depends. Mostly I can't cry even when I try, sometimes a fucking pet obituary is enough.


Are your parents strict?
~ My dad's name is Machiavelli. :(


Does the thought of marriage scare you?
~ Not as much as it would scare any future husband.


Are you in college?
~ Last semester of university.


Are you bored?
~ Too intrigued to be bored.


Do you bang your head when listening to rock music?
~ I like ironing roadkill.


What kind of cell phone do you have?
~ One you can call people with. Yeah.


What did your last text message say?
~ Do not fail at showering.

Have you ever been in a cave?
~ I'm swedish, I live in one.


Last thing you drank?
~ Seagull snot.


Would you rather skydive or bungee jump?
~ Both! At the same time!


What’s one place you would like to visit?
~ Kamakura, Japan.


How are you feeling today?
~ Intrigued. I had an out of body experience.


Do you have lip gloss on?
~ Not on my lips. ;D


Do you have eyeliner on?
~ Not on my eyes. ;D


Who’s the last person that you felt was stalking you?
~ Michael Phelps.


Where is your cell phone?
~ in Narnia.


Have you ever been on your school’s track team?
~ Yes once when they were all arranged into a neat pile, I jumped on top of it.

Are you afraid of the dark?
~ Not at all. The pale things lurking in the dark however..


Did you used to watch "are you afraid of the dark"?
~ Fuck yeah, I LOVED that show.


What size shoe are you?
~ 40. Eat that, americans.


Do you have a dirty mind?
~ Nonsese, I scrub and polish it with car wax every day.


What's your stand on hunting?
~ It's stupid. You wanna feel proud about killing something, kill it on equal terms. Guns are cheating.


Are you excited for anything?
~ FINISHING THE BOTTLE OF WATER YAAAY

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Tribes.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've always imagined.”
-Thoreau.

I try to pay heed to this. But.. dude. I never had any dreams. Or confidence. I never even imagined living this long. I don't WANT anything. So I tried to remember what made me happy before, what makes me happy now. Just to, I don't know, if I can't want anything I can atleast try to be grateful for the things I've had. Or something. This is purely for my own peace of mind, but you're welcome to listen in. I have no structure here, I'm just writing down whatever I'm thinking of at the moment. Grateful for, makes me happy, start of rant.

My horses.
Waking up at dawn to be greeted by their hungry whinnies, and the sound of them chewing fifteen minutes later. Warming your face on their big, ragged necks in winter, having grass juice rubbed all over you in the summer. Sharing a carrot. Scratching a particularly itchy spot behind their ears. Racing a friend along the beach, holding on to a bare back with all the strength you have left in your legs. There. Is. Nothing. Better.

My cats.
I was there when they were born, I was there when they died, and they were there for me every day in between. There is no creature on this planet I have ever loved as much.

Taekwondo.
Strength. Stamina. Flexibility. Balance. Control. Technique. And the highly satisfying sound you hear when you kick something hard enough and high enough to know that heads could be broken if you ever find yourself needing it. Plus, it's the most fun I've had in years.

Friends. Two in particular.
Loba was the most important person in my life for 19 years. He made me laugh like no one else ever has (and he still does). He's the first person I ever beat a co-op game with, the first person I trusted to tell a secret, the first person I would think of and talk to when something, anything, happened that I wanted to share with someone. I got my first bee sting because of him, he got his first pair of cowboy chaps because of me (yes, yes he did). We no longer spend seven hours every day talking on the phone, nor do we hang out every weekend (or even any weekend) but he's still a major influence in my life. Always will be. Even if I never get to sleep in his closet ever again. He's the best friend and the best cousin anyone with a sense of humor could possibly have had.
Leichin. Oh man, where to start on that one. He's an asshole. THE asshole. If those small alien ships that took out fighter planes in Independence Day were ordinary assholes, and the bigger ones that took out cities are people like my old German teacher, he'd be that big fat mother ship that Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith smokes cigars in at the end.
But he's also awesomeness incarnate and I have never connected with anyone like with him. He's funny, he's smart, and he never learns to keep his guard up so there's always a way to cause him immense physical pain. Which is a very important trait in a best friend.
I would do anything for him.
Then there's a handful of other people who have meant a lot to me in the past. A few who still do. They are all a part of what has shaped (and sharpened) me. There's my family, dysfunctional and cause of much grief, but I love them and they make me laugh (AT them, not with them).

These days, my life is basically all about the creatures closest to me. The few that are still left. They hurt. I can't make them heal. I can't make them not miserable, I can't stop them from hurting and dying and I can't stop loving them to the extent where I lose myself. I give my dignity away. I keep forgiving until there's nothing left of me. A pattern is established, imprinted on my psyche. I will never live my dreams because in my dreams they are happy. I can't make that happen. Sometimes you think you can love someone enough, but you can't. It doesn't work that way. Sometimes, that makes me feel so alone I can't breathe. I can't live the life I imagined. Don't expect me to care about career choices, pool parties, nice houses, big screen TVs. None of that shit means anything to me.

What I want.. All I want is laughter and love and memories. I want my family to be well enough for me to be able to leave and not worry about them for a while. I want them to have faith when I lose mine. I want to not have to experience those fucking painful days and weeks and months and years of trying to understand, the emptiness of losing. Of just waiting for something to finally snap.

I want to be good enough to deserve being cared for by the people I care for. I don't know if I ever will be. Probably not.

I want everyone to know they matter.

And I want to be able to take off once in a while. Go new places. Be free and not have to worry, not be grinded by guilt.

I have no idea how to achieve any of this.

But it was still pretty nice to get this off my rack.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

just a reflection
just a glimpse
just a little reminder
of all the what abouts
and all the might have
could have beens
another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue
and now you're one of us
the wretched

the hopes and prays
the better days
the far aways
forget it

it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?

now you know
this is what it feels like
now you know
this is what it feels like

the clouds will part and the sky cracks open
and god himself will reach his fucking arm through
just to push you down
just to hold you down
stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
and it's hard to believe it could come down to thisback at the beginning
sinking
spinning

and in the end
we still pretend
the time we spend
not knowing when
you're finally free
and you could be

but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

now you know
this is what it feels like
now you know
this is what it feels like

you can try to stop it but it keeps on coming
you can try to stop it but

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Moar.

My mothar has new deodorant. She got one that says "Pearl beauty mildly cares". I'm glad she got one that cares mildly. It'd suck to have pearl beauty that cares very little, or not at all. Or one that cares too much, causing your pearly armpits to try to save children from burning school buses or something.

Deodorants are really amazing. Such strong personalities.


(and I still demand your company in Göteborg or Malmö. I can't hold two grown men down and rape them at the same time you know, I'll need assistance).

OH DON'T STOP

NNNNGH *splurt* http://www.scifiworld.se/index_G2009.html aah.

Michael. Biehn.

He filled my wankor tankor during the entire 90s.

Along with HRWAAAAAA *splrrt* http://www.scifiworld.se/index_M2009.html ooohoh

Edward. Furlong.

And now they're both attending really small sci fi-conventions in Swedeland. I find that very sad, but if that'd what they'll put themselves through to get a chance to see me, by the power of Greyskull I will give heed to their prayers.

Or, well I'd like to. C'mon, how can you not want to meet the man who boned Sarah Connor? So, Göteborg march 7/8, and Malmö march 28/29. Anyone in? Out? In? Out?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

yeah bitch.

I'm so fucking good with computers it's ridiculous.

Will säger:
sent it back
Will säger:
after i shat upon it
Shadow säger:
wonderful initiative
Will säger:
http://svn.haxx.se/users/archive-2006-09/0367.shtml
Will säger:
WWHHHYYYYY?!?!?!
Shadow säger:
but isnt it obvious?
Will säger:
it's fucking stuid
Will säger:
STUID
Will säger:
but it works !!
Shadow säger:
stuid.
Shadow säger:
"non-standad port for ssh"
Shadow säger:
its like
Shadow säger:
it puts its finger to your lips when youre talking
Shadow säger:
and goes ssh
Shadow säger:
i think thats the problem.
Will säger:
haha

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Nod.



I stole this one from Lisa. Because if there is anyone worth stealing from, it's her.

That didn't come out entirely right.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Chad.

This is indispensable. You need to read. Now.

http://www.greghoward.net/index.php/weblog/history_of_chad/

It is hi-la-ri-o-us.

Friday, February 20, 2009

HAHA

"Finland is a country where 90% of the population give the rest a bad reputation."

todays awesome expressions

#1: elf depracating.

#2: He likes black people so much he cries tears of chocolate.

#3: dragon knight of the lightning iron crown.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Fuckyeah.

I has deodorant. And the deodorant has magical powers. You see, it has "irresistable beauty" written on it, meaning my ampits will be so fucking hot, people will completely disregard my crater of a face and failed strudel dough of a body. Not to mention the sewage sludge that comes out of my mouth, whenever I choose to open it. They'll be like "oh so you ran over my hamster with the lawnmower? That's fine, as long as you let me lick your Hello Kitty wallet with coin compartment to express my admiration for your armpits".

Yeah, just like that.

(It doesn't even smell good.)
William delivers yet another gem of truth.

Shadow säger:
I tried talking to a japanese guy online
Shadow säger:
I think during the hour we spoke, he spent atleast 20 minutes apologizing
Will säger:
haha it's true
Will säger:
they're like canadians, but more canadian

Obama's elf.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_B5UrI7nAI

Awesome. Est. Ever.

Cred to Victor, my wonderful and very baldest friend.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

HAHA.

My mom works at a day care centre, with kids that are between one and four years old. Today at lunch time, the kids had been discussing just how stupid one can get. They had asked themselves and eachother and together they decided they should ask the king of Sweden, cause if anyone could decide just how stupid one was allowed to be, it would be him. So they wrote him a letter.

"Dear king,
how stupid can you get?"

Full of unintentional misspellings, obviously, but it's extra hilarious since the king is dyslexic. They wrote this all by themselves. Maybe there is hope for the future after all.

Monday, February 16, 2009

@#!¤foot.

I believe my right foot is in on the conspiracy designed to take my life. Or atleast make it as shitty as possible. I sprained my ankle again in taekwondo. Fifth time. I don't even have to do anything with it other than put it down for the foot to get all melodramatic and faint, rendering me unable to kick people in the face or even stand up properly.
O and A took good care of me though, A fetched ice and O rolled me up in so much ice and towels and bandage that my foot looked like a small boat. Then he patted me on the head for a while, which was nice. If O wasn't already taken and if I could lobotomize him into not resisting, I'd totally marry him. Or A, she's cool too. The others were really nice too, offered me walking support, rides home and empathy while also making fun of me. It was quite nice, I'm not used to attention.
I loves my TKD-family. The dojang is the only place in the country, actually, on this continent, where I feel like I belong and have a place.

Oh, also. John Malkovich joined my dojang. Maybe, just maybe, it's not actually him cause the guy has a Stockholm-dialect, but it totally looks just like him. Could be his brother I guess.

Score.

“There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it.”



..there you go, a Brokeback Mountain quote. It pretty much sums up my attitude this glorious evening.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Oh, and

My dad just set the kitchen on fire. It smells pretty bad. But I learned something from this. He put the fire out with beer. That proves that Swedish beer is very light. Another lesson is that it's a bad idea to do that if you're trying to improve the smell.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

w00t

Linda,

From the start to the end of your paper it is in your face, it’s full of facts and analysis and it contains good references to the course literature. I like it from the first sentence to the last. Your language is good and very strong.

I especially like that you lift the question of sustainable development (or rather unsustainable development). For example when you write that industrialization is premised on transforming nature from a regenerative system to mere raw material or when you write about overharvesting.

In all you manage to cover a lot of the important aspects of the texts and I am truly impressed.



Positive feedback ftw. Sometimes, I do like school. <3



I've decided..

..that if I'm gonna live, I'm going to live like humans are supposed to live. Aka, not a place where materialism, superficiality, comfort, and always striving for the easiest way out possible is the norm. Western people are all too fucking scared of actually living. Oh you can't do that, it's not safe, it's not clean, it's too hard, you won't be home for dinner. It's choking me, and it completely destroys all will to do anything at all. Money, vanity, ownership, rules, it destroys everything.

I want to live in a place where people value eachother above all. Where they're alive simply to live, where greed and prestige doesn't exist and who you are and what you can contribute with is all that matters. Where everyone has a place. Where there is no fucking plan, no agenda, no self-awareness, no competition. Where noone has to starve because they lack fucking pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Where people aren't so fucking scared of of eachother they don't even dare to trust the people closest to them.

There are places like these, still. They're rapidly disappearing along with the rain forests. These people have no money but they're the richest people in the world. They have everything that matters, everything we lack. Obviously they're not perfect, no one is, but they're happy. We are not. They're genuine, generous, they can be themselves. They have quality of life. We lost that centuries ago. We replaced kindness and dignity with ownership and fear and jealousy. We're so scared to die we're too paralyzed to live. Our wonderful way of life has given us king size beds and 52" tv's, but we pay for it with mental illnesses and isolation.

Not to mention that we're raping and murdering the entire planet and millions and millions of lives have been lost or destroyed because of the quest for power and money.

I don't think my chances of getting to live with some indian tribe in the Amazonas are that great, unfortunately. What I can do is work to preserve their way of life, and promote it. And maybe some day, in South America or South Asia, I'll find a place that can be my home. Fuck knows it can never be on the northern hemisphere.

Valentine's day.





..you know you're as indifferent to that shit as I am. But with cards like these, even I would celebrate it.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Eh.

Facebook-thing. Since not all of you are on there and I'd hate for you to miss out on my extreme displays of wittiness, I'mma post it here too.

50 random questions . Here are the rules - post this list on your profile (in Notes) and replacing my answers with yours.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE??
Yes, after my real father, Rutger Hauer.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When I watched Anal Cumsluts IV. It was very moving.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It looks pretty cool. If only I could read it, it'd be perfect.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAT?
Boar.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Not that I know of.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Nope. There's no way I'd ever get to know me, unless the other me was more open and friendly than I am.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM
You really think I would do that to you?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
They're here somewhere. I might have left them in my other pants.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Hell. Yes.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Kellogg's All Brain.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
This will remain a mystery.

12. RIGHT HANDED OR LEFT?
Whichever. I draw better with the right one, but left works too.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Ben & Jerrys chocolate brownie cookie fudge dough so-good-it'll-give-you-an-aneurysm.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
If they're attempting to kill me or not.

15. RED OR PINK?
I TOLD you I don't want to describe your condyloma to blind people, stop trying to trick me!

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF
Oh I only get to pick one? I can't do that, my other flaws would be jealous and try to outdo the one I pick. Hey, I guess that makes it jealousy. Wouldya lookit that.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
The fat gay bards I lived with in Canada. And my cat.

18. TEA OR COFFEE?
Lava. With a twist of lemon, of course.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
No pants, and curled toe shoes. Gold colour. And they glitter.

20. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL?
Horses.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Genitorturers - Liar's lair.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
The one that doesn't fucking care.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
A sleeping cat's belly. Summer rains on warm streets. Grass.Warm soil. The woods in spring. Books. My old horse.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Probably Nelson Mandela, wanting my help as usual.

25. FRUIT OR VEG?
Can has both?

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
K-1 and MMA.

27. HAIR COLOR?
No thanks, I've already got one.

28. EYE COLOR?
Can't, I'm allergic. :/

29. X RAY VISION OR BE ABLE TO FLY?
Be able to fly y0.

30. FAVORITE FOOD
Libanese.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movies. But good ones, like [REC], The Isle or Tale of two Sisters.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Thing. <3

33. WHOS YOUR FAVORITE ACTOR/ACTRESS ?
Tim Roth.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Luckily, it's not up to me to decide.

35. HUGS OR KISS?
Killer combo.

36. WHAT WAS YOUR NICK NAME HAS A KID?
Is it just me or is your spelling and grammar gradually getting worse?

37. GOING OUT TO WATCH A MOVIE OR STAY IN?
Yes.

38. WHERE WAS YOUR LAST HOLIDAY?
Canada/USA.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
The black book of colonialism.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don't know but it's sticky. :(

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Didn't watch TV, I was too busy enjoying life.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)?
Horses chewing on hay. A cat purring. A fire crackling. Rain on a metal roof.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Uh.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Saskatchewan.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can do that thing with my tongue that your boyfriend likes.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In Dimension X.

47. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A tie-dyed knitted vest. It's beige. And creamy.

48. WHOS YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Leichin, Loba, Lan.

49. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
We were in the same cell in Guantanamo.

50. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
YES! EVERYONE! IN THE WORLD! MUST! DO! IT! MUST!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Ugh.

Looks like I'm gonna have to be blind for the foreseeable (ha) future. I need new glasses. The glass alone would cost me about 850 dollars, plus frames, plus the work put into it. Alltogether it would cost me more than I make in about six months. My eyesight is really horrible, I'm literally blind without glasses or contacts. What I really need is fucking surgery, but that would cost me about 3500 bucks which, again, I am utterly unable of coughing up.
Everything that has to be custom made is really expensive these days. If it can be made by taiwanese kids it's all good, but something that takes actual skill to assemble demands special equipment and people who know how to use it. Those people are becoming quite rare.

Anyone need a kidney or something? I can give you good price for mine.

secks.

It would be kinda fun to moan your own name during sex. And afterwards you go "was it as bad for you as it was for me?" I don't count on ever having sex again so I'll leave it up to you, brave readers, to try it. And report back. Videotapes are also acceptable.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MUST.. HAVE... AIR

http://www.greghoward.net/index.php/weblog/get_ready_like_a_hot_machete/

Monday, February 9, 2009

Reflections.

If you tie a person by his hands and feet to trucks that pull him apart, would he really break in the middle? I don't know how that works, but I would imagine he would break at the weakest point, which I assume is where his arms are attached to his shoulders. I might be wrong of course.

Anyone know?

Saturday, February 7, 2009

The dalarna horse!

Oh god.

http://www.dalarnahorse.com/

Oh god.

I'm not sure if I should gag or laugh. I tried both simultaneously, and it didn't go too well.