Thursday, January 1, 2009

Reflections.

I often beat myself up for never accomplishing anything with my shitty excuse for a life. So I summed up what I've been doing the past two years and was, well, kinda positively surprised with what I actually found.

Almost exactly two years ago, I started university. I'll have my bachelors degree as soon as in two weeks, after having studied double-full time. Last year I also took summer classes, that got me inside UN and NATO, among other institutions. That was also the year I started traveling for real. I visisted Belgium and Holland with my summer school class, and returned there in November, with Will. He and I also went to Denmark, Germany, France and Switzerland.
I got to see my favourite japanese band in Stockholm, and I got to meet my best friend, when he visited Sweden in December 2007. With him, I also went to Finland.
June this year I fulfilled a ten year old dream, when I finally got to see Canada. Another dream, about as old, was fulfilled when I went to West Virginia to see BJ and Andy. I started taekwondo, which is one of the best things to ever happen to me, I got to know a whole bunch of awesome people, and I fell in love, despite my best efforts.

Eight new countries in two years. Plus I got to live with my best friend for 7 months out of 12 the past year. I did a shitload of stuff eh. And the best part of it all, I did it myself. I'm dirt poor but I'm diligent, neurotic but stubborn. I didn't let my demons get the best of me once, not fucking once. I didn't give up this time. I make less than half of minimum wage but I saved up and and paid everything myself. I had insane workloads from school, but I didn't fail one fucking class.

This was all quite awesome to discover. I also realized most the actual problems I have now, aren't even really mine. They're my parents, or my brothers, or my friends problems. That's why they hurt me so much more.
Another thing I realized, that really really sucks, is that most of the problems that are mine, derive from the fact that I feel like absolute shit about being me, mostly because I'm constantly made to be so much less than what I am. The people closest to me, the ones that should reinforce me, do the very opposite. I'm not sure what to do about that.

I do however know what to do now. I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday morning since I've been busy puking my guts out every ten minutes the past 24 hours. It's a wonderful Swedish virus called vinterkräksjukan, gets me every year.

Happy new year, readers. Or psychos. I think both apply, for sticking with me this far.

1 comment:

Purgatid said...

See, this is what I've been telling you the past five fucking years or so, Linda. You are not scrap, crap or even dirt. My GF would probobly kick my ass if she read this - but you are one of the most awesome people I have had the disfortune to never meet. Seriously. I have been telling you this for many a year now, and you never listen.

Well, listen to yourself. If you're such a loser, how come you've done more in two years, than most middleclass svennebanan ever does in a fuckin' lifetime? You come from nothing, poor family, etcetera, and yet you do all these incredible things - and you succeed at them. It'd be different if you were the captain of the FAILboat.

But you're not.
You never were.

Happy new year, or something like that (I've never been big on celebrating number changes, but what the hell). If you could see you as I see you, you wouldn't have to stare into the abyss all the time.

... for crying out loud.

Uh, well, ya. Bye.