Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Clarity.

Distractions. That's all there is to life. Something to make you forget for a second that you're nothing but a blind insect fumbling in the dark.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Oh my god it was good to get kicked in the ribs repeatedly again. Taekwondo was so much fun last night. We were only a few people, it made it very relaxed and we had a lot of space to spar. Maria called me ugly, I love how refreshingly honest kids are. I'm not even sarcastic, I way prefer that to people talking shit behind my back or insinuations, which is usually the case.
I was quite surprised how well it went. My left leg is pretty shit but I did okay with my right one, considering how long it's been since last time. I only almost died from dehydration twice, which is not too bad for being me. And it was awesome just being there, having some good laughs with Oscar and the others. They're my life line, TKD is all I fucking have in Sweden.

I really missed the canindians again today. I was cold at some point this afternoon so I grabbed a hoodie hanging on a chair. As I put it on i realize it was the hoodie I wore when I left Canada, and it still smells like Leichin's house. It gave me some intense flashbacks. I love my family and my TKD, but fucking hell how I miss them.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

...last one I swear.

Four posts in one night. Beat that, unclefuckers. No wait, don't.


JANUA​RY--

1 Who kisse​d you on New Year's Eve at midnight?​
Ultros, the purple pixel squid.


2 Did you have a New Year'​​s Resol​ution​ this year?​​
To keep my skin on for another year.


3 Does it snow where​ you live?​​
Rigorously.
Except not really.

4 Do you like hot choco​late?​​
As much as Pearl Harbour sucks.

5 Have you ever been to Times​ Squar​e to watch​ the ball drop?​​
I don't really hang around to watch peoples balls drop anywhere.


FEBRU​ARY--

1 Who was your Valen​tine?​​
Jill and Vincent.


2 When you were littl​e did you buy Valen​tine'​​s for the whole​ class​?​​
I took them to Thailand and bought them hookers.


3 Do you care if the groun​dhog sees its shado​w or not?
Of course I do! You need to always keep an eye on your shadow. That fucker can't be trusted, who knows what it does when you're not looking.


4 What did you receive for Valen​tine'​​s day?
A dismembership card from the Body Shop.


5 What did you give for Valen​tine'​​s day?
A mascara brush stuck in an eels ear.


MARCH​--

1 Are you Irish​?​​
Every three mondays.


2 Do you like corne​d beef and cabba​ge?
I'd like to see someone give birth to cabbage.


3 What did you do for St.
Patrick's Day?
Knitted a submarine.


4 Are you happy​ when winte​r is prett​y much over?​​
I'm never happy. You little shitstain.


APRIL--

1 Do you like the rain?​​
Hai.


2 Did you play an April​ Fool'​​s joke on anyon​e this year?​​
Would you like a chocolate fetus?

3 Do you get tons of candy​ for Easte​r?​​
I got a cross and some nails.
:(

4 Do you celebrate 4/20?
No 24/7.


5 Do you love the month​ of April​?​​
As much as I love my own cranium.


MAY--

1 What is your favor​ite flowe​r?​​
Those big fat ones that look like clouds.


2 Finis​h the phras​e "​​April​ showe​rs…"​
..with the teenage mutant ninja turtles?

3 Do you celeb​rate May 16th:​​ Natio​nal Pierc​ing Day?
Yes, by biting holes in strangers.


4 Is May anyth​ing speci​al to you?
But of course. It'd suck to be without it.


JUNE--

1 What year did/​​will you gradu​ate from High Schoo​l?​​
1876.


2 Did you do anyth​ing fun durin​g this Month​?​​
Go to Canada.

3 Have a favor​ite baseb​all team?​​
I have a favorite basket weaving team.


JULY--

1 What did you do on the 4th of July?​​
Join the spanish inquisition.


2.
Did you blast​ the A/C all day?
I have no such thing in my life.


AUGUS​T--

1 Did you do anyth​ing speci​al at the end of your summe​r?​​
Everything is spethial when you're eating bark.

2.
What was your favorite Summer 2008 memory??
Endless hours by the canal with Leich and beer. Killer combo.


3 Did you have a sunbu​rn?​​
The sun had a meburn.


4 Did you go to the pool alot?
I'd rather lick roadkill.


SEPTE​MBER--

1 Are you atten​ding colle​ge/​​schoo​l?​​
Indeed good sir I am an educated individual.


2 Do you like Fall bette​r than Summe​r?​​
In Canada, fo sho. At home summer is slightly more awesome.


3 What happe​ned this month​?​​
...we played videogames

OCTOB​ER--

1 What was your last Hallo​ween costu​me?​
I dressed up as a swedish nerd. Oh wait.


2 What is your favor​ite candy​?
Testicles.


3 What was your favor​ite thing​(​​s)​​ about​ this month​?​​
The trees and the sky and the air and the smell of rotting leaves.

NOVEM​BER--

1 Whose​ house​ do you go to for Thank​sgivi​ng?​
Liz Hurleys.


2 What are you thank​ful for?
Tea and canindians. And also cheese.


3 Do you love stuff​ing?​​
..chlorine drenched rags down your throat? Yeah.


4 Anyth​ing speci​al in this month​?​​
Going to Amewica.

DECEM​BER--

1 Do you celeb​rate Chris​tmas?​​
Like the hethen I am

2 Have you ever been kisse​d under​ the mistl​e toe?
Nope. Under a homeless guys toe.


3 Get anyth​ing speci​al last year?​​
My best friends company.


4 What do you want this year?​​
Same thing.

5 What do you love most about​ Decem​ber?​
Kurisimasu.

You can't see the forest for all the legs.

If life could be illustrated with one picture, it'd be this one.

carrot cake culprits.

I've been home for twelve days and the walls are starting to crawl up my ass again. The complete lack of intelligent company is starting to get to me. I'm also annoyed that the only way I can get the people I do have to hang out with to actually hang out with me, is if I go see them. Like the distance is shorter for me to travel than for them. To me, it's really very simple. They have money to travel for, I don't. I spent 24 hours on planes and in airports and crossed a bunch of timezones to see my best friend, they can't spend half an hour on a bus to see a friend they haven't seen in six months. Fuck them.

Atleast tomorrow I'm starting taekwondo again. Been trying to figure out just how much muscle and stamina I've lost when I was in Canada. The past week I've biked 150 kilometers total and I did fine, which is awesome. I've only lost like two minutes per ten kilometers compared to before, when I had biked daily for years. Spent a couple of hours mashing my knuckles on my punching bag too. It gave me a peculiar back ache, like someone put one finger between my shoulderblades and refuses to take it off, but my arms and hands are fine. I'm still going to be completely dead after the first fifteen minutes tomorrow, but atleast my poor body is a bit more prepared for what's to come. Pain. Pain, pain, pain. I can't wait.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Aww.


I present to you my new love, the long-eared hedgehog. They're smaller and faster than the west european hedgehog, and they like to burrow under small bushes on the mongolian steppes. Just like me.

Christmas.

I got a tall, black vase for christmas from my parents. Only in my mind, it was a monocular, a machine gun and a bat all conveniently stored in one harmless-looking item. The cat and I had great fun with it, peeking at eachother from separate sides of the hallway. Boredom is absolutely awesome when it makes you silly and imaginative rather than passive. I also absolutely refuse to act my age. A vase is something you give to an adult. A machine gun/bat/monocular on the other hand is totally a kid-thing. Totally.

Today was good, the first day I could relax a bit since I came home. Christmas was enjoyable despite the poverty and my really being too old to appriciate the consumer hysteria. It's nice to be with my own family, in my own home. I just love them too much and feel way too responsible for them to be able not to hurt all fucking day long.

On a completely separate note - did you know the entire human race has way more DNA in common that two chimpanzee individuals in the same flock?

Monday, December 22, 2008

shikata ga nai.

I love FF Tactics. Seriously. I'd have its babies. I only have to figure out how to actually extract semen out of a UMD. I don't know what I'd do without that distraction lately. When "yay we're going to be homeless, my parents are broken and have chronic pains that'll stay with them for the rest of their pathetic, poor lives, my brother is a retard and I'm a useless fat cunt with no purpose" is too much, "OMG DON'T SHOOT THE CHOCOBO IN THE ASS YOU IMPOTENT ARCHER" is a very welcome change on the bitchery scene.
I miss Canada. I miss only having pretend-problems, being detatched from everything at home. It's sort of harder to ignore how fucking useless I am when I have to see the consequences of it every day. In Canada my only problem was an unrequited infatuation. Here I'm the wailing wall of the family, everyones problems are made to be mine, and I'm supposed to fix them. All I can do is sit in the basement and listen to Sex Pistols. And escape to my world of monks and black mages.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Welcome home.

My dad was in a car accident today. His car is totalled, there's nothing left to repair, and they can't afford an insurance so they're financially fucked and stranded without a car, in rural Sweden where no buses dare to go. Luckily we have free health care here, so atleast his ambulance ride and stay at the hospital won't cost him anything. Not that they can afford to keep the house regardless, but still.

I've been back in Sweden for four days and I'm already stuck in the old rage, desperation and hopelessness. And poverty, poverty, poverty. No future, no hope, no jobs, and no one gives a flying fuck cause people like us are like hair in a pool drain to the Real People, the ones with money, health, security and a Stable Life(tm).

Bitchin'

I hate westerners. Seriously. People bitch and moan about, say, having to clean their house all the time. What they don't get is that cleaning is a fucking luxury. They have a house to clean and useless shit in it that draws dust, which makes cleaning necessary in the first place. A secure place to store all the shit they don't need, where they can sit around and polish their belongings and compare them to other peoples belongings, without having to worry about a fucking thing. And they bitch about it. "Oh look at my house with five rooms where I live with my husband and a cat named Tarantino, it's sooo annoying to have to spend half an hour vacuuming the floors every weekend when other people spend their short lives sharing a shed with 19 strangers with HIV".

I'm not a fucking saint who demand that everyone should starve and send all their 233 lamp shades in different shades of blue to Africa to make amends. I'm simply saying, get your heads out of your asses and learn to enjoy what you have. You spoiled, disgusting beady-eyed white freshly groomed cunts, you can't even be happy and grateful for what you've got. What's the point of accumulating a lifetime of junk if you can't even appriciate it?
My suggestion is to take a step back, see what's really fucking important, and remember it.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

w00

Remember my blog entry about koro? Here you go, some more mind boggle-material to feed your brain with: http://africa.reuters.com/wire/news/usnL22903232.html

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

crack

Just an idea. Maybe spending 436326 hours on planes, in airports, on buses and trains, would be easier if I didn't have the worst hangover since, well, ever. I love my way of thinking ahead. I had six months to get shitfaced, six months, and decided to save it for my last night in Canada. Yeah.

So I'm back in Sweden. I went from disgust to guilt to immense love from the time I got on the train to when I ended up in my bed with my cat. Fucking Swedes, disgusting, self righteous, shallow hypocrites was basically my only thought on the trainride. I was struggling with 40 kilos of my stuff divided into three bags, that I had to get up staircases and through long ass passages. In North America people would offer you help. In Sweden, they put on their condescending smiles and stare at you.
My dad called me ten times during the two hour trainride from the airport, telling me all about how much he missed me and how badly he wanted to hug me. I sort of blew him off and felt horrible about it. They were so happy to have me back here and all I wanted was to go back to Montreal. Once I got to their house I broke down. They cleaned my old room for me to stay in and my mom had tweaked it for me, it looks absolutely awesome. They do so fucking much for me and I was being a complete cunt to them. Even my cat who doesn't love anything other than the smell of a fresh kill, seems happy to see me. God knows why.

But yeah, in the end I'm glad to be home. I miss the canindians so bad that every fiber of my body aches, but it's really good to see my family again. And best of all, snuggle warm cat belly.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Ugh,

Hours left til I leave. Hates it. Last night was however awesomeness. I'll never be able to repay the kindness or even explain how much it means to someone like me to have people like the canindians in my life. Dying for someone is easy, it's living thats hard. They make me want to live for them.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Predictable peach in Paris.

Two days left in Montreal. Separation angst for teh lose. My best friends, the best I've ever had, are here. So many hours of talking, laughing, chasing them around to beat them down. So many meals shared and drinks passed between us, so many nights of wandering around.
I don't ever want to forget what this is like. I will, in a matter of weeks. They're going to fade. Inside jokes forgotten.
I always hurt a lot over that, how time makes you forget the details. People move on. I don't ever really move on. I remember things, keep them alive, I want to keep them alive. I want to cherish everything good cause there's been so much bad that I need to keep away. Good times for me is like a torch in a fucking cave system. I need it to fend off the depression-bats. The good memories hurt too. Loss always hurts, obviously, and good times for me are like those short, rare glimpses of toilet paper in a world of porta potties.
So. Even if it hurts like shit on a stick in your gut, I don't want to forget. I want to remember, I need to remember to keep me going, keep me wanting, striving, needing. It's so easy to let go and give in to apathy. Fuck apathy. I'd rather have anguish and know I had something worth living for once, than forget.

On a completely different note: I adore winter in Canada. It's so beautiful I forget how to breathe sometimes.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Alive.

Today was bliss. Montreal showed itself from its most beautiful side. The air was clear and blueish and tasted absolutely wonderful. Leich and I walked down by the water and talked about everything from horse meat to the Beatles. A thin layer of ice covered the canal and someone had made an interesting arch out of sticks over the trail. I absolutely loved this place unconditionally for the duration of our walk. I felt completely alive for once. I was happy. The closer I get to my return date, the more certain I am that I want to come back here. Today, wandering around aimlessly with my best friend as the sun was setting over the city, there was absolutely no doubt.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Priestess.

I was hanging out with Leich and Lan in Leichin's room last night. Everyone fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and spent I don't know how much time just lying there listening to them breathe. Staring out the window I saw a strange, black orb float up from an old school bus to the roof of the building next to it, where it popped and disappeared. Dream and reality blended as I drifted in and out of consciousness. It was very peaceful and I was strangely happy where I was, uncomfortably stuck between the wall and a sleeping canadian. The only sound was the ticking of the alarm clock. Normally I hate that sound, ticking reminds me of time running out, but last night it felt homely. I felt at home. In that room, with the loud, obnoxious assholish men in my life next to me, I was at home. Love means placing your happiness in the happiness of others. I love the canindians, they carry my heart in theirs.

Ten days from now I'm going back to Sweden. I don't know when I'll be back here. I'm going to be lonely, depressed and in despair. I'm going to doubt my abilities to deal with anything and my chances of ever coming back. I'm going to doubt their abilities to remember me and what we used to have. I'm going to loathe life intensly.

When I do I want to remember the sound of them breathing last night. I want to remember endless walks by the canal in the dark. I want to remember snow inside my t-shirt, pizza on a bench in Verdun, carefully picking three PS2-games for a week at Gamezone and watching anime with Leichin. I want to remember when Lan flooded my bag with orange juice at Three Amigos. I want to remember lying on the grass drinking Sapporo on a hill in july. I want to remember long bikerides in the rain. I want to remember the libanese place in Atwater that always gives me mysterious headaches. I want to remember Likla and her unique taste in books, James going frontiers of science, and Shanti and her hilarious stories about how she constantly fucks up at work. I want to remember the food and the smell of incense. Most of all I want to remember their voices, their eyes, the inside jokes and all the laughs.

I want to remember that maybe, just maybe, there is a place for me too on this stupid planet.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Who would've thought..


..Ian Brown from the Stone Roses would make an appearance in Skies of Arcadia, as a pirate in a tavern.