Thursday, October 30, 2008

Greyhound...

...should rename their company to something more fitting. Like Incompetenthound or Weliketomakelifemiserableforourpassengershound. Or maybe Suicidepromotionhound. I met some really cool people on the various buses though. I've been blessed, cursed, offered money, offered citizenships, sneered at, stared at, threatened and proposed to by various more or less sane creatures the past four days. I've gasped at the beauty of Manhattan at night, seen 444 pictures of russians standing next to neon signs, been stranded on a gasstation in Ohio for twelve hours, recieved a dozen phone numbers and email adresses, and I want to see more, more, more of this bipolar, charming and infantile country. I want to see Colorado. Florida. Arizona. California. I want to keep going, keep exploring, keep meeting all those wonderful, weird strangers. Share meals and stories and fragments of life with people I'll probably never see again. I want to keep going, even while waiting for seven hours on a shitty busstation without sleeping or eating for days, grateful just to be dry and warm and have access to a restroom and free drinking water. I love reducing my needs to the very basic. The only thing I really miss is my best friend.

Monday, October 27, 2008

brain.

I learned two very important things today. The first one is that it's very possible to wash latex paint off your hands using shampoo. The second is that it's very possible to move a 1964 Magnatone guitar amp from one block to another, using a skateboard and two scarves.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

brrrrm.

Tomorrow I'm getting on a Greyhound to spend the next 30 hours on american highways. I get motion sick when I try to read or play PSP on a bus, so I'm gonna have a lot of staring out windows to do. Not to mention breathing on the window and drawing on it with my finger. Providing I get a window seat. I'll just have to make sure no one would want to sit next to me. I can do that. Oh yes, I can do that.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

tai-chi for turtles

Is there any way?
Is there any how?
Is there any word that john says?
All I want is true
There is only wonder wall

Tired and pissy today. Not enough, never am. Never will be. Not even Beat Crusaders and their cheerful stupidity helps. Really, when even lyrics like the ones above don't put a smile on your face few things will. I feel about as confident and important as cold macaroni in a gutter, with about the same chances of improving. Old and new words echoing in my head. Old and new disappointments. Old and new let-downs, old and new expressions of disgust, and you're never enough, you'll never be good enough no matter how fucking hard you try, because this world is not for people like you and the downward spiral is endless and omni-fucking-potent. There are so many ways to be tormented. I guess my job in life is to try them all.

Bring it on, dildoface.

Friday, October 24, 2008

LOOK AT THIS!



..as Barry Burton would've put it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZzehRHxtB8

Few things intrigue me as much as the Goblin Shark (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goblin_shark).
I don't really have a point with that statement, I just thought you should know.

Now you know.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Ecki-ecki-ecki-ftang.

I maded a gay myspace-survey. Enjoy.

Your bf/gf leaves you for someone else what do you do?
Build a catapult. Put them in it.

Fifth message in your inbox?
"Everyone's fine. Noone's sick or hurt and only one died"

Your last ex wants to hook back up, you do what?
I'd say "Stop this botheration!"

Who were you with last night?
Some gay fat bards.

Do you ride roller coasters?
ALL! DAY!

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
All days are good days when you have heroin.

What were you doing at 10 last night?
Laughing my ass off at the canindians.

How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
About five minutes. Plus another say 27 if I'm going somewhere spethial.

What do you want right now?
A crowbar, some rope and a poncho. And also, some butter.

Would you ever dye your hair red?
Nah, you wouldn't be able to tell it from my face.

Are you bitchy?
*^_^*

If someone likes you would you want them to tell you?
Yeah. Unless they're cannibals. Or psychotic, parachuting mongolians with large knives. Actually, that would be pretty cool.

Do you want someone you can't have?
Yes.

Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Fo sho. Like D-day.

Do you remember the person you first kissed?
JT. We were six years old, sitting in a hole in a hedge playing with transformers when it happened.

Have you ever kissed someone you hated?
I've never hated anyone enough to do that to them.

Are you afraid of commitment?
Not as afraid as I am of milking an epileptic cow covered in razorblades.

Do you like someone now?
Yes. No! Yes! Yes!

What is your current mood?
Squareshaped.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
Mebbe.

If you like someone does his or her name start with a B,K,R,C or G?
Nope. Well, Krang, obviously, but not the other one.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Studying the ancient art of playing Skies of Arcadia.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you feel comfortable talking to?
Absolutely.

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
I have nothing to hide. Except for my canned testicles. People get uncomfortable around them for some reason.

Have you made any mistakes recently?
Mm, staying alive past the age of eight. I keep repeating that one for some reason.

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Sort of, this one guy spontaniously combusted. :(

Where were you at 2:02 am this morning?
In a jungle, with Jack Nicholson.

Anyone told you a secret this week?
I kissed a girl with thirteen fingers.

Would you rather your partner have gorgeous eyes or a gorgeous smile?
How about a gorgeous mind you shallow fucking cuntsalad?

If someone cheated on you, what would you say?
Eckelberry Humbertnick. It's not really relevant, I just like saying it.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Zplhm.

What do nitroglycerin, chewing gum, skin cream and fertilizer have in common? They all contain substances extracted from mammal urine. I find that hilarious. Some people think it's unhygienic to have a pet in their home or to not shower twice a day, but they'll gladly smear perfumed sheep piss on their faces. Humanity, how I love and loathe thee.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Morbidity <3

I'm going to West Virginia!

BJ säger:
K, well I can probably tolerate you for the 5 days you're suggesting
BJ säger:
If not, i still have places to hide bodies
Shadow säger:
haha
Shadow säger:
ill bring my smell-proof bag for you to stuff me in just in case
BJ säger:
Thats what lye and pepper is for, ruins a cadaver dog's nose
Shadow säger:
that is true. what does lime do to a corpse anyway?
Shadow säger:
i read about people using it
Shadow säger:
but i forgot what for
BJ säger:
accelerates decay
Shadow säger:
ah
BJ säger:
Its highly acidic when exposed to moisture

Oh, and

Most of the time I'm pathetically happy. I really like the whole selective impression-thing that normal people seem to do all the time. I've always been very bad at it but it is a lot of fun to be able to choose what to acknowledge. I think I understand now, why some people are so confident even though they have absolutely no reason to, and why others who should be, totally aren't. I never thought I'd consider ignorance a skill.

Faith.

It's funny. To most people my days would be incredibly boring and empty. To me this is the best thing that happened to me in a very long time. Today all I did was try to work my way through a stupid psychology assignment and eat a late lunch at a lebanese restaurant. But I had my best friend with me and another close friend from back home on MSN, working hard to help me translate statistics to something that made sense to me. Someone helped me, made an effort for me, like voluntarily. That doesn't happen. Ever. So I had a day that for most people would be eventless and not worth remembering at all. For me it was a big fucking deal because other people were there for me and I'm ridiculously happy and grateful for it. If I had been used to being treated like a person it would've come naturally and I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Today I'm so fucking happy about all the shit I've been through, cause if it enables me to be this happy over a thing as small as asking someone for help and actually recieving it, it's worth all the pain in the world. Actually, I wish other people would feel the same pain, if it'd teach them to appriciate the people around them more. It makes the world a way better place. If not objectivly, atleast for you, personally.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Boredom.

If you take the first letter in all the names on my old icq-list, you get svbzsskdsmfgwokam. With those letters you can write wookie massgrave. Well no, you can't.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Naturally.

When I was a kid, I really liked Alice Cooper. I also really liked Karate Kid. Therefore it made perfect sense to me that the Poison lyrics went like this:

"I want to love you but I better not touch (dont touch)
I want to hold you but my sensei tell me to stop"

If sensei says no, there's simply nothing to be done about it. I feel your pain, Alice.

Friday, October 17, 2008

beginners guide to cheesegrater masturbation.

This morning was awesome. I had no obligations festering on my mind, no boring adult bullshit clinging to my conscience. I woke up at nine on a thursday morning and I played videogames. And I loved it. It felt like one of those endless saturdays when you're a kid, when time stops and the only thing that exists is this level and this boss battle. Except even better cause there's no one around to tell me to turn off the game and go outside. And when I do turn off the game and go outside, there's no one to stop me from buying beer. Oooo, take that, mom.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

October I love you.

Leichin and I went for a walk early in the morning. It was warm and sunny, like summer decided to reappear for a few hours. The trees were stunningly beautiful and there was a light mist covering the ground. The grass was glittering with dew, birds were chirping and children were doing ecstasy in the park. It was a fantastic October morning. We wandered around aimlessly just thoroughly enjoying the day for a couple of hours before we had lunch and went back home. An hour later, as I'm working on my psychology assignment and Leichin is taking a nap, it starts raining. I have a blanket, a book and an interesting challenge to work on and rain on my window is just the ultimate finishing touch. October is just utterly awesome in every way.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Koro.

Koro, or genital retraction syndrome, is a condition in which a person is overcome with the belief that his genitals are retracting into his abdomen to kill him. Outbreaks of Koro in China were reported in 1948, 1955, 1966, 1974 and 1984/85. Aside from the emotional distress, Koro by itself is not physically harmful, and no actual retraction takes place. Injuries have occurred when stricken men have resorted to apparatus such as needles, hooks, fishing line, and shoe strings, to prevent the disappearance of their penises. The belief originates from Southeast Asia, but has also triggered waves of panic in Sengeal, Benin, Ghana, Zimbabwe, Nigeria, Sudan and Congo at various times in the last decade.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

sodomized shrimps

The other day my best friend and I almost adopted a stray cat. He was young and blond and arrogant. I wanted to name him Ichigo. Leichin figured we should call him Clint Eastwood, which may very well be the coolest name a cat has ever had. Seriously. "You wanna come over after work?" "Yeah I just gotta go home and feed Clint Eastwood first".
In the end the cat didn't get a new home since Canada is a democracy and other people in the house also got to have a say in the matter. But atleast he got a full stomach and lots of cuddling from one cat-deprived Swede.

Friday, October 10, 2008

This is so cool.

On the island of New Guinea, semen and blood are the main factors for deciding your gender. When boys have reached a certain age they're placed in the mens house where they're inseminated, orally and anally, with semen on a regular basis. By absorbing massive amounts of jizz, they absorb manliness and become men. They can then marry women and inseminate boys themselves. Women after having menopause are also considered men, since they're believed to have absorbed so much semen in their lives that they've become male, and are allowed to act as men.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Powdered pork

I have two things on repeat in my head today. One is that annoying old man from Pet Sematary (the movie that is) going "AAAAAAH know whatchoooore thinkin'!" and the other is this silly piece of poetry that I really like for no specific reason.

Was it the age of my innocence,
Or was it the lost land of Oz?
Was it only a foolish illusion,
The summer that never was?

Did I walk through the fields with the child in my arms
And the golden wheat over my head?
Did I feel my heart breaking under the weight?
Was my sweet sleeping boychild a burden, like lead?

I remember him crying the day he was born
And his hand like a spider that wouldn’t let go
And he wouldn’t let go and he wouldn’t let go
And the pain tore my heart out and filled me with woe.

Can a dreamer take hold of reality
And become a responsible man?
Can a killer become a lover
Or is he forever damned?

You can’t follow me where I’m going now
And you can’t go to the places I’ve been
Don’t listen to the demons I’ve listened to
Or look into the darkness I’ve seen.

There’s a field and a boy and the tall golden wheat
And eternity held in a day
But it’s so hard to hold and it’s so hard to reach
And forever rushing away.

Was it the age of my innocence,
Or was it the lost land of Oz?
Was it only a foolish illusion,
The summer that never was?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I had a dream..

..about a very, very odd porn. The guy pulled his foreskin up to his lips and blew air inside it, and it expanded like a balloon. When he had a fairly large foreskin-balloon, he tied the tip of the foreskin into a knot to keep the air inside. Then he started doing the girl, who squealed happily. When he was done with her he started fisting this green bird, whos only reaction was to look very, very surprised every time the guys hand entered its ass. Kinda like this:

._.

O_O

._.

O_O

..you get the picture. I was very intrigued.

ohgod

Spam usually sucks ass like a cheap home enema kit. But sometimes I get these awesome messages, usually from girls who call me Steven or Sebastian, that are just too hilarious. This one is particularly perfect:

Hi, dear

I believe that we will succeed. I believe that we will take the non-sinking
sheep of love and will go far away to the ocean, on the waves of unopened
passions, we will open the doors of wishes and dreams which never happened
yet… You should know that there is a lady in this world, I am here for you,
and for me your name is not just an empty sound, for me you are a man who
will always be gentle and caring with me. Let the memories of me come to
you each time you read my words, I still believe that I can be happy and
that you will reply to my brave letter for you at [http://www.allisloveandlove.com/mylovelygirl]
And I will write my letters to you and will greet you: Hello, My Destiny! It’s
me again!

All the best
Olya S

THE NON-SINKING SHEEP OF LOVE! YES! HOW COULD ANYONE EVER RESIST THIS?

Monday, October 6, 2008

<3

Tonight was awesome. I haven't had a chance to bond with someone and giggle like a little girl for hours and hours, in a long time. Likla (or madame Buttsex as I now call her) is the second coolest-- no, the coolest person of female gender I know. I really really really really really like all my weird adoptive indians. Except Leichin, but that goes without saying.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

ohohoho

<3 @ http://www.destructoid.com/mega-man-9-giveaway-contest-and-introducing-the-mega-man-boss-maker--101148.phtml

Creds to my baldest friend Victor for finding that gem.

@#!RRRGH

I love Silent Hill. But seriously. I. Hate. Homecoming. I want to rip its uterus out and feed it to a unicyclist. The monsters are sexy looking, but that's the only upside to this reeking puddle of liquid shit. If you're gonna buy the game, you should do so only to laugh in its face and sodomize it, and then break it into four pieces.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

8 quick questions.

1) What’s your favorite song at the moment?
My brothers semi-cover on Stayin’ Alive. He calls it Buried Alive.

2) Current Crush?
HULK CRUSH YOU ANY TIME ANY DAY!

3) Are you self-conscious?
Yes. No! YES! OH GOD I DON’T KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THAT ONE WHAT ARE PEOPLE GONNA THINK AIIIEEEE!

4) Have you ever given money to a bum?
Yeah. I gave one $10 once. He wanted to shake my hand. It smelled really bad for hours after that.

5) Have you been in love?
Sure, uhuh, you betcha. I keep my harem in the boiler room.

6) Can you tango?
No, I usually just alpha bravo. Sort of.

7) Next person you’ll kiss?
The dreaded three-headed knight! The fiercest creature for yards away!

8) Best wine?
Mar..Maraccas..Markis.. Marr.. Jack fucking Daniels.

apocalyptic epileptics

Old favourite:

Walking down the road I noticed a man, naked, apart from a lettuce leaf hanging out of his arse. When I questioned him he replied grimly, ”thats just the tip of the iceberg”.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Populistic pandahands

I'm glad I'm not the only idiot out there. All anecdotes are from http://homepage.smc.edu/larsen_lyle/absentmindedness.htm

G. K. Chesterton was certainly one of the most absentminded of authors.
His wife once heard him in the bathroom taking a bath. She heard him get out of the tub; then after a long pause there was a splash, and she heard him say, "Damn, I've been here before."

The Reverend William Lisle Bowles presented a Bible to a lady parishioner as a birthday present. She asked him to write his name in the volume, and he did so, inscribing it to her as a gift "from the Author."

Sir Isaac Newton was sometimes very absentminded. One day a Dr. Stukely called at his house. A servant told Stukely that he would have to sit down and wait, for Sir Isaac was in his study and no one was allowed to disturb him there. Soon another servant brought in Newton's dinner--a boiled chicken under a cover--and sat it close to the visitor. After an hour passed and Newton still did not appear, the doctor found that he was hungry and so proceeded to eat the chicken. Newton finally came in and apologized for having kept his visitor waiting so long. He said, "Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint." On removing the cover to his dinner he saw only a pile of bones. Embarrassed at appearing so ridiculous before a stranger, he put back the cover and said, "See what we studious people are: I forgot I had dined."

Clergymen are also noted for being absentminded. Perhaps it is easy to get so preoccupied with the everlasting life to come that you lose touch with the life passing before you at the moment. At any rate, the minister of Thames Ditton, Mr. George Harvest, used to get so absorbed in his thoughts that he would lose track of time. One Sunday he walked down to his church with a gun in his hand to find out what all those people were doing there.

Another clergyman, Canon Sawyer, once started out for the train station to meet a visitor. On the way he necessarily got lost in thought, arrived at the station, boarded a departing train, and disappeared.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

catapult crucifiction

my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
i’m sorry.. i cunt hear you.. i .. have an infucktion
Shadow säger:
that must be really hardon you :/
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
HAHAHA

So yeah.

People sometimes tell me to shape up, dress better, put on some fucking make up. "You're not THAT horrible if you actually put some effort into it", they say. I can only put my answer one way: fuck that shit. I'd rather fight 'til it breaks me (and it will, eventually), than comply.
It's not cause I'm lazy (though that does have something to do with it too), it's a statement.

To be normal, happy and accepted, you have to follow the rules. You have to look a certain way, act a certain way. This also applies for the funny little subculture deviants. I'm not the kind of freak that dyes my hair pink and wears stay-ups and a Hello Kitty t-shirt, and like my 300 friends believe it makes me cool and different. They're just like everyone else, in their particular group of choice. I'm the kind of freak that wear shitty clothes I've had since I was twelve, don't brush my hair and don't wear make up. I do nothing to improve nature's work, I wear no mask. I look like shit, because that's what I am, what we all are behind the facade we try so hard to uphold. I don't do polite phrases that mean nothing, I don't do small talk, I have no time for the superficial. I pay a high price for this. People often write me off as retarded before I've even said a word to them. I make them uncomfortable, annoyed, disgusted. Usually I'm fine with this, it makes it easier to observe, see through and predict people when they look down on you and don't care if you're there or not. Of course it also makes it hard to make friends, and virtually impossible to get more than friendship. "If you had been someone else I would've been all over you" is one comment I got, an example that says a lot. But being freed from atleast some of the Societal Rules (TM) is worth it.
Conform - even if it means killing off your personality to the level where you have to sleep with the TV on every night cause you're too scared of the silence. It's not for me. I'll never fit in, never be able to relax around other people, always be looked at with contempt, never to be taken seriously. But I get to keep my soul and my clarity. I'll get to go my own ways, free from restraint. I don't have to ever worry about what people might think if I do this or that. Yes, I look hideous, but it's my choice. My focus is not on the surface of things, that's just distracting bullshit. I want the pure, the core, the essence of everything. Looking the way I do is a reminder that aids me in that.

No mask, no role play, all me. It's really simple. Maybe you can't like me for who I am. That's okay. I'd rather have that than have you like me for who I'm not.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Jonah.

When you wake up, halogen ignited life
Side by silence, hold your hands up to the light
and you might see him, a shadow on your wall
It's still upon you and you can't forget it all

days will slide
years start over and collide
you're alive
but do you ever wonder why?

so you wake up to a thousand days of dust
lies and make-up, shadow games instead of trust
to walk between your walls, to drink your conscience weak
To pass on unmade calls and never have to speak

days will slide
years start over and collide
you're alive
but do you ever wonder why?
wonder why?

dead astronauts.

A few hundred years ago, we had a local custom in my part of Sweden (probably more widespread than that even) to pick up rocks whenever you were out walking. These rocks came in handy in case you passed an unbaptized childs grave. Whenever you passed it you added your rock to the pile of rocks on top of the grave, to prevent the child from digging its way back to the surface.

I can sort of relate to those kids.