Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Joy.

I'm normally a confuzzled pile of vagueness. Often moody and depressed, mildly content at best with sporadic outbursts of hilarity. Last night I went for a walk by the canal. It was late in the evening but surprisingly warm, and I had the place pretty much to myself. I sat down by the water with my back against a tree and just enjoyed the air, the silence and the wonderful sensation of being completely alone. I probably scared the shit out of the few passer-bys who saw me, but that's just a bonus.
I sat there for maybe five minutes, my head tilted back, looking at the tree crown and just letting my mind drift when I was suddenly filled with the wonderful sensation of being one with the world. I felt insanely grateful to every organism that preceded me in evolution, for being what they were, mating with what they did when they did, to form other creatures that did the same, to eventually end up in a being that is allowed to feel that way. For a moment, I loved life, not MY life in particular but ALL life, to the extent where it physically ached. Everything that lived and died on this planet seemed so precious, for that fleeting moment. I was filled with peace and joy, completely detatched from my own pathetic existance. I live for those moments.

Afterwards I went home, feeling stronger than in a very long time, just to argue with my best friend and feel weakened again. But not in a bad way. In a humbled way, where achieving knowledge from human interaction is my goal rather than making a point or winning an argument. My only goal with this life is to be the best person I can be. I was in a stalemate for a long time, but I think I'm back on the right track again. That moment by the water was my reward for a long time of struggling.

I'm in an extremely alleviated state of mind, still, that'll probably wear off once I get some sleep. It saddens me a bit to know I'll re-read this thinking "what the fuck, what kind of a faghat broke into my psyche and made up this crap". But for now, I'm going to treasure it.

3 comments:

Purgatid said...

This is the epitome of awareness. This is, for me too, what I live for. Not the day-to-day experiences, but those rare moments where you realize that everything you are, is a consequence of millions of other lives, and that you are not alone. You, and every thought you have, is connected to everything else in a metaphysical reality. That every individual being is a part of the greater picture - the organism that is life on earth.

This is fuzzy? This is hippie?
Well, fuck those who think so, and fuck their minimalistic cynical wish-to-be-nihilist life styles as well.

You're fantastic for realizing, and admitting, to be more than just a temporary carbon based life form blinking once in the long line of blinks that is history.

Retain the feeling.
You deserve it.

Daniel said...

It's a feeling that's definitely worth treasuring, and looking back to. I hope it will stay valuable for you.

skuggiz said...

Wow, that does sound... very, very awesome. I have experienced something similar in the past, but not nearly as intense.

Hope you get to remember that feeling for a long, long time.