Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Clarity.

Distractions. That's all there is to life. Something to make you forget for a second that you're nothing but a blind insect fumbling in the dark.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Oh my god it was good to get kicked in the ribs repeatedly again. Taekwondo was so much fun last night. We were only a few people, it made it very relaxed and we had a lot of space to spar. Maria called me ugly, I love how refreshingly honest kids are. I'm not even sarcastic, I way prefer that to people talking shit behind my back or insinuations, which is usually the case.
I was quite surprised how well it went. My left leg is pretty shit but I did okay with my right one, considering how long it's been since last time. I only almost died from dehydration twice, which is not too bad for being me. And it was awesome just being there, having some good laughs with Oscar and the others. They're my life line, TKD is all I fucking have in Sweden.

I really missed the canindians again today. I was cold at some point this afternoon so I grabbed a hoodie hanging on a chair. As I put it on i realize it was the hoodie I wore when I left Canada, and it still smells like Leichin's house. It gave me some intense flashbacks. I love my family and my TKD, but fucking hell how I miss them.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

...last one I swear.

Four posts in one night. Beat that, unclefuckers. No wait, don't.


JANUA​RY--

1 Who kisse​d you on New Year's Eve at midnight?​
Ultros, the purple pixel squid.


2 Did you have a New Year'​​s Resol​ution​ this year?​​
To keep my skin on for another year.


3 Does it snow where​ you live?​​
Rigorously.
Except not really.

4 Do you like hot choco​late?​​
As much as Pearl Harbour sucks.

5 Have you ever been to Times​ Squar​e to watch​ the ball drop?​​
I don't really hang around to watch peoples balls drop anywhere.


FEBRU​ARY--

1 Who was your Valen​tine?​​
Jill and Vincent.


2 When you were littl​e did you buy Valen​tine'​​s for the whole​ class​?​​
I took them to Thailand and bought them hookers.


3 Do you care if the groun​dhog sees its shado​w or not?
Of course I do! You need to always keep an eye on your shadow. That fucker can't be trusted, who knows what it does when you're not looking.


4 What did you receive for Valen​tine'​​s day?
A dismembership card from the Body Shop.


5 What did you give for Valen​tine'​​s day?
A mascara brush stuck in an eels ear.


MARCH​--

1 Are you Irish​?​​
Every three mondays.


2 Do you like corne​d beef and cabba​ge?
I'd like to see someone give birth to cabbage.


3 What did you do for St.
Patrick's Day?
Knitted a submarine.


4 Are you happy​ when winte​r is prett​y much over?​​
I'm never happy. You little shitstain.


APRIL--

1 Do you like the rain?​​
Hai.


2 Did you play an April​ Fool'​​s joke on anyon​e this year?​​
Would you like a chocolate fetus?

3 Do you get tons of candy​ for Easte​r?​​
I got a cross and some nails.
:(

4 Do you celebrate 4/20?
No 24/7.


5 Do you love the month​ of April​?​​
As much as I love my own cranium.


MAY--

1 What is your favor​ite flowe​r?​​
Those big fat ones that look like clouds.


2 Finis​h the phras​e "​​April​ showe​rs…"​
..with the teenage mutant ninja turtles?

3 Do you celeb​rate May 16th:​​ Natio​nal Pierc​ing Day?
Yes, by biting holes in strangers.


4 Is May anyth​ing speci​al to you?
But of course. It'd suck to be without it.


JUNE--

1 What year did/​​will you gradu​ate from High Schoo​l?​​
1876.


2 Did you do anyth​ing fun durin​g this Month​?​​
Go to Canada.

3 Have a favor​ite baseb​all team?​​
I have a favorite basket weaving team.


JULY--

1 What did you do on the 4th of July?​​
Join the spanish inquisition.


2.
Did you blast​ the A/C all day?
I have no such thing in my life.


AUGUS​T--

1 Did you do anyth​ing speci​al at the end of your summe​r?​​
Everything is spethial when you're eating bark.

2.
What was your favorite Summer 2008 memory??
Endless hours by the canal with Leich and beer. Killer combo.


3 Did you have a sunbu​rn?​​
The sun had a meburn.


4 Did you go to the pool alot?
I'd rather lick roadkill.


SEPTE​MBER--

1 Are you atten​ding colle​ge/​​schoo​l?​​
Indeed good sir I am an educated individual.


2 Do you like Fall bette​r than Summe​r?​​
In Canada, fo sho. At home summer is slightly more awesome.


3 What happe​ned this month​?​​
...we played videogames

OCTOB​ER--

1 What was your last Hallo​ween costu​me?​
I dressed up as a swedish nerd. Oh wait.


2 What is your favor​ite candy​?
Testicles.


3 What was your favor​ite thing​(​​s)​​ about​ this month​?​​
The trees and the sky and the air and the smell of rotting leaves.

NOVEM​BER--

1 Whose​ house​ do you go to for Thank​sgivi​ng?​
Liz Hurleys.


2 What are you thank​ful for?
Tea and canindians. And also cheese.


3 Do you love stuff​ing?​​
..chlorine drenched rags down your throat? Yeah.


4 Anyth​ing speci​al in this month​?​​
Going to Amewica.

DECEM​BER--

1 Do you celeb​rate Chris​tmas?​​
Like the hethen I am

2 Have you ever been kisse​d under​ the mistl​e toe?
Nope. Under a homeless guys toe.


3 Get anyth​ing speci​al last year?​​
My best friends company.


4 What do you want this year?​​
Same thing.

5 What do you love most about​ Decem​ber?​
Kurisimasu.

You can't see the forest for all the legs.

If life could be illustrated with one picture, it'd be this one.

carrot cake culprits.

I've been home for twelve days and the walls are starting to crawl up my ass again. The complete lack of intelligent company is starting to get to me. I'm also annoyed that the only way I can get the people I do have to hang out with to actually hang out with me, is if I go see them. Like the distance is shorter for me to travel than for them. To me, it's really very simple. They have money to travel for, I don't. I spent 24 hours on planes and in airports and crossed a bunch of timezones to see my best friend, they can't spend half an hour on a bus to see a friend they haven't seen in six months. Fuck them.

Atleast tomorrow I'm starting taekwondo again. Been trying to figure out just how much muscle and stamina I've lost when I was in Canada. The past week I've biked 150 kilometers total and I did fine, which is awesome. I've only lost like two minutes per ten kilometers compared to before, when I had biked daily for years. Spent a couple of hours mashing my knuckles on my punching bag too. It gave me a peculiar back ache, like someone put one finger between my shoulderblades and refuses to take it off, but my arms and hands are fine. I'm still going to be completely dead after the first fifteen minutes tomorrow, but atleast my poor body is a bit more prepared for what's to come. Pain. Pain, pain, pain. I can't wait.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Aww.


I present to you my new love, the long-eared hedgehog. They're smaller and faster than the west european hedgehog, and they like to burrow under small bushes on the mongolian steppes. Just like me.

Christmas.

I got a tall, black vase for christmas from my parents. Only in my mind, it was a monocular, a machine gun and a bat all conveniently stored in one harmless-looking item. The cat and I had great fun with it, peeking at eachother from separate sides of the hallway. Boredom is absolutely awesome when it makes you silly and imaginative rather than passive. I also absolutely refuse to act my age. A vase is something you give to an adult. A machine gun/bat/monocular on the other hand is totally a kid-thing. Totally.

Today was good, the first day I could relax a bit since I came home. Christmas was enjoyable despite the poverty and my really being too old to appriciate the consumer hysteria. It's nice to be with my own family, in my own home. I just love them too much and feel way too responsible for them to be able not to hurt all fucking day long.

On a completely separate note - did you know the entire human race has way more DNA in common that two chimpanzee individuals in the same flock?

Monday, December 22, 2008

shikata ga nai.

I love FF Tactics. Seriously. I'd have its babies. I only have to figure out how to actually extract semen out of a UMD. I don't know what I'd do without that distraction lately. When "yay we're going to be homeless, my parents are broken and have chronic pains that'll stay with them for the rest of their pathetic, poor lives, my brother is a retard and I'm a useless fat cunt with no purpose" is too much, "OMG DON'T SHOOT THE CHOCOBO IN THE ASS YOU IMPOTENT ARCHER" is a very welcome change on the bitchery scene.
I miss Canada. I miss only having pretend-problems, being detatched from everything at home. It's sort of harder to ignore how fucking useless I am when I have to see the consequences of it every day. In Canada my only problem was an unrequited infatuation. Here I'm the wailing wall of the family, everyones problems are made to be mine, and I'm supposed to fix them. All I can do is sit in the basement and listen to Sex Pistols. And escape to my world of monks and black mages.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Welcome home.

My dad was in a car accident today. His car is totalled, there's nothing left to repair, and they can't afford an insurance so they're financially fucked and stranded without a car, in rural Sweden where no buses dare to go. Luckily we have free health care here, so atleast his ambulance ride and stay at the hospital won't cost him anything. Not that they can afford to keep the house regardless, but still.

I've been back in Sweden for four days and I'm already stuck in the old rage, desperation and hopelessness. And poverty, poverty, poverty. No future, no hope, no jobs, and no one gives a flying fuck cause people like us are like hair in a pool drain to the Real People, the ones with money, health, security and a Stable Life(tm).

Bitchin'

I hate westerners. Seriously. People bitch and moan about, say, having to clean their house all the time. What they don't get is that cleaning is a fucking luxury. They have a house to clean and useless shit in it that draws dust, which makes cleaning necessary in the first place. A secure place to store all the shit they don't need, where they can sit around and polish their belongings and compare them to other peoples belongings, without having to worry about a fucking thing. And they bitch about it. "Oh look at my house with five rooms where I live with my husband and a cat named Tarantino, it's sooo annoying to have to spend half an hour vacuuming the floors every weekend when other people spend their short lives sharing a shed with 19 strangers with HIV".

I'm not a fucking saint who demand that everyone should starve and send all their 233 lamp shades in different shades of blue to Africa to make amends. I'm simply saying, get your heads out of your asses and learn to enjoy what you have. You spoiled, disgusting beady-eyed white freshly groomed cunts, you can't even be happy and grateful for what you've got. What's the point of accumulating a lifetime of junk if you can't even appriciate it?
My suggestion is to take a step back, see what's really fucking important, and remember it.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

w00

Remember my blog entry about koro? Here you go, some more mind boggle-material to feed your brain with: http://africa.reuters.com/wire/news/usnL22903232.html

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

crack

Just an idea. Maybe spending 436326 hours on planes, in airports, on buses and trains, would be easier if I didn't have the worst hangover since, well, ever. I love my way of thinking ahead. I had six months to get shitfaced, six months, and decided to save it for my last night in Canada. Yeah.

So I'm back in Sweden. I went from disgust to guilt to immense love from the time I got on the train to when I ended up in my bed with my cat. Fucking Swedes, disgusting, self righteous, shallow hypocrites was basically my only thought on the trainride. I was struggling with 40 kilos of my stuff divided into three bags, that I had to get up staircases and through long ass passages. In North America people would offer you help. In Sweden, they put on their condescending smiles and stare at you.
My dad called me ten times during the two hour trainride from the airport, telling me all about how much he missed me and how badly he wanted to hug me. I sort of blew him off and felt horrible about it. They were so happy to have me back here and all I wanted was to go back to Montreal. Once I got to their house I broke down. They cleaned my old room for me to stay in and my mom had tweaked it for me, it looks absolutely awesome. They do so fucking much for me and I was being a complete cunt to them. Even my cat who doesn't love anything other than the smell of a fresh kill, seems happy to see me. God knows why.

But yeah, in the end I'm glad to be home. I miss the canindians so bad that every fiber of my body aches, but it's really good to see my family again. And best of all, snuggle warm cat belly.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Ugh,

Hours left til I leave. Hates it. Last night was however awesomeness. I'll never be able to repay the kindness or even explain how much it means to someone like me to have people like the canindians in my life. Dying for someone is easy, it's living thats hard. They make me want to live for them.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Predictable peach in Paris.

Two days left in Montreal. Separation angst for teh lose. My best friends, the best I've ever had, are here. So many hours of talking, laughing, chasing them around to beat them down. So many meals shared and drinks passed between us, so many nights of wandering around.
I don't ever want to forget what this is like. I will, in a matter of weeks. They're going to fade. Inside jokes forgotten.
I always hurt a lot over that, how time makes you forget the details. People move on. I don't ever really move on. I remember things, keep them alive, I want to keep them alive. I want to cherish everything good cause there's been so much bad that I need to keep away. Good times for me is like a torch in a fucking cave system. I need it to fend off the depression-bats. The good memories hurt too. Loss always hurts, obviously, and good times for me are like those short, rare glimpses of toilet paper in a world of porta potties.
So. Even if it hurts like shit on a stick in your gut, I don't want to forget. I want to remember, I need to remember to keep me going, keep me wanting, striving, needing. It's so easy to let go and give in to apathy. Fuck apathy. I'd rather have anguish and know I had something worth living for once, than forget.

On a completely different note: I adore winter in Canada. It's so beautiful I forget how to breathe sometimes.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Alive.

Today was bliss. Montreal showed itself from its most beautiful side. The air was clear and blueish and tasted absolutely wonderful. Leich and I walked down by the water and talked about everything from horse meat to the Beatles. A thin layer of ice covered the canal and someone had made an interesting arch out of sticks over the trail. I absolutely loved this place unconditionally for the duration of our walk. I felt completely alive for once. I was happy. The closer I get to my return date, the more certain I am that I want to come back here. Today, wandering around aimlessly with my best friend as the sun was setting over the city, there was absolutely no doubt.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Priestess.

I was hanging out with Leich and Lan in Leichin's room last night. Everyone fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and spent I don't know how much time just lying there listening to them breathe. Staring out the window I saw a strange, black orb float up from an old school bus to the roof of the building next to it, where it popped and disappeared. Dream and reality blended as I drifted in and out of consciousness. It was very peaceful and I was strangely happy where I was, uncomfortably stuck between the wall and a sleeping canadian. The only sound was the ticking of the alarm clock. Normally I hate that sound, ticking reminds me of time running out, but last night it felt homely. I felt at home. In that room, with the loud, obnoxious assholish men in my life next to me, I was at home. Love means placing your happiness in the happiness of others. I love the canindians, they carry my heart in theirs.

Ten days from now I'm going back to Sweden. I don't know when I'll be back here. I'm going to be lonely, depressed and in despair. I'm going to doubt my abilities to deal with anything and my chances of ever coming back. I'm going to doubt their abilities to remember me and what we used to have. I'm going to loathe life intensly.

When I do I want to remember the sound of them breathing last night. I want to remember endless walks by the canal in the dark. I want to remember snow inside my t-shirt, pizza on a bench in Verdun, carefully picking three PS2-games for a week at Gamezone and watching anime with Leichin. I want to remember when Lan flooded my bag with orange juice at Three Amigos. I want to remember lying on the grass drinking Sapporo on a hill in july. I want to remember long bikerides in the rain. I want to remember the libanese place in Atwater that always gives me mysterious headaches. I want to remember Likla and her unique taste in books, James going frontiers of science, and Shanti and her hilarious stories about how she constantly fucks up at work. I want to remember the food and the smell of incense. Most of all I want to remember their voices, their eyes, the inside jokes and all the laughs.

I want to remember that maybe, just maybe, there is a place for me too on this stupid planet.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Who would've thought..


..Ian Brown from the Stone Roses would make an appearance in Skies of Arcadia, as a pirate in a tavern.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Baccano!

..is an awesome anime. Everyone has to watch it. You cannot resist the boy named Jacuzzi Splot, on the train called the Flying Pussyfoot. Seriously. You cannot.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Gravel.

A fairly decent swedish author wrote something I found pretty interesting in his blog the other day. "Everyone carries their hearts in their hands", meaning we're all losers trying to make the best of what we've got, trying to make sense of what little we understand. At first I thought it was kind of true in the way that I don't want to admit, and then my literal self kicked in and pictured this:

A man stumbles onto his porch, one late winter evening. He had a few beers with his co-workers, he's sort of tipsy but not drunk. He is however cold and in a desperate need to pee, and wants little more than to get indoors to do so. So he gets off the bus, balancing his heart in his hands, and his briefcase under his right arm, walks up to his house and gets onto the porch. He tries to remember which pocket he put his keys in. He curses under his breath, moves the briefcase and his heart back and forth, trying to keep them both from falling to the ground. The briefcase was expensive, he doesn't want to get it dirty. And the heart, well. It goes without saying, you don't want THAT to get lost in the snow. He finds the keys. His cold fingers slip when he tries to put the right one in the keyhole, and it falls out of his hand.
His cursing gets louder. He really needs to take a massive piss now. He can feel his bladder moaning in agony. He crouches, loses his balance and dips one knee in the snow. His hand instinctivly goes to the ground to keep him from falling over. Made it. His knee is cold and wet but his briefcase is still fine, which is the important thing. But.. where's the heart again? Fuck. Fuck! He drops the briefcase, no longer concerned with stains on the leather or the important papers inside. Without a heart it's not like he's going to make it to the morning meeting the next day anyway. He plows through the snow with his hands, trying to be methodical in his search while the panic rises inside him. He just hopes his cold fingers will recognize the texture of the heart and rescue it before his clumsy feet find it first.
Something's beating faintly in the moonlight, over by the flower pot. Is it.. yes! It's his heart! He carefully picks it off the ground, tries to brush the snow off with his stone cold hands. He drops to his knees, barely feeling the wetness of his ruined pants on his skin anymore. Clutching his heart as hard as he dares to with his left hand he's randomly searching the ground for his keys with the other. Found them! A twig somehow got tangled up in the keychain. He uses the worst word he can come up with (grease cunt? fish balls? homosexual student counsellor? no, wait, Hulk mangina!) trying to shake the twig out. He resorts to using his teeth, feeling his last shred of dignity go out the window. Somehow he manages to get up and get the right key into the keyhole. Finally. All he wants now is to pee, get his wet pants off and wash his dirty heart off in the sink. He just hopes there's no gravel stuck on it. He absolutely hates when there's gravel stuck on it.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Immigrants <3

Man what a shitty day. I woke up at four, just in time to watch the sun go down. Had breakfast, intended to study and.. well, failed miserably. I laughed uncontrollably at a conversation between Lan and his father though, starting out like this:

Lan: "Dad, what's canvassing?"
Sonny: "Cambridge? It's in England."
Lan: "No, not Cambridge, canvassing.
Sonny: "It's a university town."
Lan: "...ugh, never mind.."

I had a second immigrant-experience a few hours later when I called the russians:

Russian: "Hello?"
Me: "Hey, it's Linda."
Russian: "Hi honey."
Me: "Er, what?"
Russian: "I hear it on TV. You don't like?"
Me: "No, you shouldn't call people honey for no reason."
Russian: "On TV it's okay."
Me: "This isn't TV."
Russian: "...on TV, it's okay."
Me: *deep sigh*

I seriously don't know what I'd do without them, they're fairly decent replacements for my pets when it comes to being stupid and adorable.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Don't.

Spent nine hours at the emergency room at the Verdun hospital last night. And I didn't add to one single persons injury. I'm quite proud of myself, I must say.
Likla had hurt her back and was in horrific pain, Leichin and I went with her to the hospital. It was a unique experience in how much life can suck. You're in pain, and someone squeezes you into a wheelchair (without anywhere to put your feet, so you have to hold them up as you go which sort of isn't very comfortable even if you can sit without hurting) in which you spend the next 1/3 of a full fucking day. And you're not supposed to sit at all. To add to the fun, the vending machines and the coffee machine didn't work so we were stuck without anything to even drink while waiting. Oh well, atleast the toilets worked, that's always something.

An excellent display of suckiness, thank you, Verdun.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Damn you, BJ, damn you.

BJ säger:
We're proud to be diverse, fibers of different texture make a stronger rope
Shadow säger:
stop being so logical and decent
BJ säger:
Hahaha, but isn't that what I am?
Shadow säger:
yes. and its not consistent with my view on people

Rock, paper, Saddam!

I have but one thing to say today.

http://www.rockpapersaddam.com/one.html

Friday, November 14, 2008

The boy that you loved is the man that you fear

I'm revisiting my past tonight. I'm in a shed with Marilyn Manson. I should study. I'm not studying. I'm keeping the psychology-tabs open on Firefox and the Open Office-document on the screen, trying to will the words into my brain and onto the keyboard. OOOOH KIDDIE GRINDER I USED TO LOVE THIS SONG my delighted idiot id squeals when my super ego frowns like an aging office clerk who never gets promoted. Oh hey, guess I am using the psycho-terms after all. Wrong context but you can't always get what you want.
I'm rapidly moving between jittery glee and an absurd depression that makes me want to giggle. I'm afraid if I do start giggling I won't be able to stop. I'm gonna turn Marilyn Manson off and call my russians in about 20 minutes. One of them is gonna ask his lawyer for advice for me. He is thy awesome, as Leichin would put it. Hopefully it'll give me a wee bit of guidelines as to what visa to apply for once I get back home, and what to do to get it.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Le panic

So. I'm trying to study personality psychology while my own personality is crumbling. Trying to cope with the fact that I have to go home soon. Back to the Twilight Zone. I write two or three sentences about defense mechanisms, get an idea about a scholarship that might allow me to come back here within two years, and spend the next three hours looking for it. I'm way past my personal deadline (but still well within the limits of the actual deadline, cause since I'm neurotic and have insane expectations on myself I always set out to do things in half the time I have avaliable to me) and I can't think. I can't focus. Even if I had a bat with a huge flapping vagina in front of my face I wouldn't be able to give it my full attention. The only thing on my mind is how to get back here. Not good, not healthy, and especially not in line with my be-like-water-philosophy.

Anyone reading this who actually managed to get a job abroad and migrate? At this point I'd serve you my left eyelid on a whole grain sandwich for ideas. Well not really, but you get the point.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

And one more

Kill The LightFM (08:10:55): as a kid i always loved the term black market
Kill The LightFM (08:11:02): i always thought there was a speceific "place"
Kill The LightFM (08:11:10): where you could go buy slaves, guns and other nonesense
LungSlime (08:13:12): hahah i did too
Kill The LightFM (08:13:40): like a warehouse wehre you'd need to know a password...and then insdie was like the disney land of evil
LungSlime (08:13:45): i imagined it like a bazaar
Kill The LightFM (08:13:53): yeah exactly
Kill The LightFM (08:13:56): like tables set up
LungSlime (08:13:58): yeah
Kill The LightFM (08:14:19): cause when people say things like "yeah i got these guns on the black market"
Kill The LightFM (08:14:28): yout hink "oh i hope to see it someday it suonds cool"
Kill The LightFM (08:15:46): we should set up a bazaar called "black market"
LungSlime (08:15:53): id totally do it
Kill The LightFM (08:15:53): i bet it'd be a hit
LungSlime (08:16:00): even just one stand
LungSlime (08:16:02): on a sidewalk
LungSlime (08:16:17): and dress up like a typical comic book villain
Kill The LightFM (08:16:24): hahah
Kill The LightFM (08:16:26): thats genius
Kill The LightFM (08:16:33): i'll get a cat
Kill The LightFM (08:16:38): and just pet it in my lap in the back
LungSlime (08:16:41): hahaha
Kill The LightFM (08:16:43): in the shade so you can't see my face

Heh.

LungSlime (07:00:06): so why are you still up?
AndrewGoat (07:00:33): Um, I have to go to work in 12 hours?
LungSlime (07:01:18): thats 11 hours and 45 minutes you could spend sleeping!
LungSlime (07:01:21): or driving a tractor.
AndrewGoat (07:02:13): I'd rather talk to you than do either of those activities.
LungSlime (07:02:40): youre weird
AndrewGoat (07:03:14): Why?
LungSlime (07:04:33): because no one in their right mind would prefer to talk to me over driving a tractor.
AndrewGoat (07:05:03): Bah.
AndrewGoat (07:05:08): You're crazy.
LungSlime (07:07:58): or maybe i just really like driving tractors.
AndrewGoat (07:08:06): To hell with tractors.
LungSlime (07:08:16): what did you just say?
AndrewGoat (07:09:18): You heard me, you black son of a bitch.
LungSlime (07:09:39): youre gonna pay for this
LungSlime (07:09:47): i know where your son lives
LungSlime (07:10:01): imma take him out when he goes for his morning swim in the creek
LungSlime (07:10:05): you hear that?
LungSlime (07:10:07): POW
LungSlime (07:10:08): like that
LungSlime (07:10:17): like a stick in a barrel of oil
LungSlime (07:10:23): thats what imma do

Ha.

Since I came to Canada, I've stopped eating a healthy no-sugar-no-fat-cereal breakfast. I stopped training taekwondo six hours a week. I stopped biking 50 kilometers every day. I've started drinking soft drinks again, I've started eating white bread again, started slacking, started eating pizza. I spend most of my days curled up playing videogames or reading. Results? I've lost four sizes. Pants that were too small when I came here now fall off if I make sudden movements. Sure a lot of it is lost muscles, but not all of it. This is stupid and ironic and I want to punch health in the hip.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Shell

Living grows round us, like a skin,
To shut away the outer desolation,
For if we clearly mark the furthest deep,
We should be dead long years before the grave,
But turning around within the homely shell,
Of worry, discontent and narrow joy,
We grow and flourish, and rarely see,
the outside dark that would confound our eyes.
Some break the shell,
I think that there are those who push
their fingers through the brittle walls,
And make a hole, and through this cruel slit,
Stare out upon the cinders of the world with naked eyes,
They look both out and in, knowing themselves,
and too much else beside.



Molly Drake

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

#2

Other cool people I met on the various buses and stations:

An ex-cop who broke his leg and almost froze to death, quit his job and became a freelance photographer. He had now traveled the world 15 times and was on his way to the airport to go to Brazil for the seventh time in two years.

A missionary who was originally from Albany, who had lived in Bangladesh for five years and now lived in Romania where he and his wife ran an orphanage. He was back home to visit his parents.

A sicilian woman on her way to New York for an audition. She's an opera singer.

A toothless old woman who had left her abusive husband, who felt it was a good idea to drag her in a rope behind his car. She spoke very fondly of her true love, who had died when he was only 32. She was sad but not bitter, humble but not broken.

Everyone was very friendly, open and kind and genuinly interested in sharing their stories and listening to others. It's safe to say going where I went, meeting who I did, has changed me a lot in a very positive way. It has left me way more open, friendly, trusting and positive myself, with a much improved view on other human beings. This was exactly what I needed, every second of it.
And I'm definately going back out there again.

I got too much wood and not enough sheep

I woke up on the 27th after a cold night of barely any sleep and loads of angst. Got my fat ass on the bus and watched the driver talk to his boss through the window. The boss-creature did a little dance and burst into a song. It was mildly amusing, very surreal and just a tad bit frightening. My busdriver looked exactly like Mark Ruffalo will when he's in his mid sixties, and had a fairly odd sense of humor. I liked him a lot. "Everyone who's not on the bus, raise your hand. No hands, good, let's go". Yeah. I was sitting alone from Montreal to New York, enjoying the isolation and the scenery. Upstate New York is stunning at this time of year. Behind me was an old chinese lady, dressed in yellow. She kept peeking at me, going "aww" and randomly bursting into laughter. She asked me if she could have a piece of my energybar, I gave her half. "You-are-so-nice-I-want-to-give-you-some-small-money" she said in a strange robotic tone, and gave me five bucks. It was enough for a giant cheeseburger once I hit New York, about ten hours later.
I wandered around in NY for a bit, not being particularly impressed. The place stinks, quite literally, and it's very busy and full of schizos. back at the station I sat down on a bench where an old man threatened to break my knees for no appearant reason. I was too tired to argue with him, so I found my gate and hung out there even though I had three hours left 'til the bus to Ohio left. I was just quietly reading my Bruce Lee-book when some guy approaches me and asks me if I'm russian. "No" I said. "Funny, you have russian eyes" he replied. "Okay" was my clever counter, and he left me alone for the time being. He returned a couple of hours later, I ignored him while he stood next to me and stared at me directly for about ten minutes. I sat down, he sat down, I stood up, he stood up. Eventually I gave up and talked to him, and actually found myself enjoying it. His friends joined us and we all hung out on the ride to Pittsburgh, having a really good time. They showed me exactly 444 pictures of themselves and told me a lot about Russia, it was very interesting.
Once in Ohio I had barely eaten or slept and I smelled like a thousand crotches. I had about three or four hours left to my final destination, and twelve hours to wait before there was an actual bus going there. I was stuck in a shitty country station with nothing to do, so I went outside for a bit. The fresh morning air tasted like nothing I have ever sensed in my life, after having gotten used to diesel and filth. An amish dude had parked his horse outside a gas station, the only visible building for miles away. It was quiet. I should've been bored and frustrated, but I was quite happy just being somewhere with access to drinking fountains and a restroom where I could actually wash my hands.
I was sitting outside in the cold, enjoying the sun and the silence, when an old black woman started screaming and cursing inside the station. Her bus had left without her, with her bags and medicines and even her shoes on it. She was quite naturally very frustrated, and called around for about an hour to find some way to contact the busdriver or atleast the next station it was heading to, to make sure her bags didn't get stolen or lost. Greyhound is about as useful when it comes to customer service as a lamp post is for doing origami. In the end, me and another woman ended up trying to help her and eventually had to call the state police to get her medicines back.
A young couple, about 40 minutes from home, were stranded at the same station as me for about 16 hours just waiting for their broken bus to be replaced. Another old man had to wait for seven hours after his busdriver never showed up. Greyhound is sort of, what's a good word, inefficient. I ended up befriending both the black woman who lost her medicines and the other woman who helped me help her, so it was all good and fun for me in the end.
Once in Charleston, many hours after I was supposed to arrive, BJ came to pick me up and I got to meet Cinnamon and eat macaroni. It was heaven.

I had the best time evahr in West Virginia, hanging out with BJ and his friends, seing Andy, playing with dogs and quoting Arnold Schwarzenegger. I had pumpkin beer, hung out with a guy dressed up as a sex offender at a Halloween party, played board games with the awesomest people ever and got to call them fuzzy little man-peaches. All in all it was amazing and I had more fun than in a very long time.

Back on the bus again. I ended up next to a middle aged man who told me an amazing story about his son, who had been hit by a drunk driver at the age of eighteen. The kid had less than one percent chance to survive. His doctor said it was the worst injury he had ever seen, and he had treated victims in Irak during Desert Storm. There was no medical reason for this kid to survive, and yet he did. Once it became clear that he was going to live, there was the money issue. The titanium plate needed to replace parts of his skull alone would cost 8 000 dollars.
Next miracle ensued, when their community raised money for them and covered the expenses for the best hospital in the country. His kid survived, is 27 years old today and has just had his first child. I ended up talking to this man for about six hours about death, depression, hope, life after death, how to deal with life before death, and much more. It was absolutely amazing. A complete stranger spoke to me about the deepest, most painful and scary experiences of life, and after we parted in Pittsburgh we still didn't know eachothers names but he knew more about me than my parents do.

I had a four hour stop in Pittsburgh, so I figured I'd phone the russians I had run into on my first busride to see if they wanted to hang out for a bit. I ended up staying until the next evening. "You can't leave before we show you some russian hospitality" they said. "Wow I'm finally about to lose my gangrape-and-murder-virginity" I thought. I ended up having the best time though, eating awesome food, checking out the city, listening to russian techno and talking about boxing in a dimly lit park all night. It was absolutely amazing and utterly international. Really, a swede living with indians in Canada, hanging out with russians in the US. Does it get any cooler than that? I didn't even want to leave the next day.

Back on the bus, I ended up next to an old MMA-fighter named Tommy. He was nice but called me sweetie pie, which I sort of wanted to make him eat his teeth for. I think I would've failed in doing so had I tried. I had my first taste of the really shitty side of America on that bus, when an old woman refused to get up to let the passenger next to her get his book from his bag. "Okay I'll just lean over you then" he said and did, and she started screaming like a banshee about him touching her. It took a while and a bunch of guards to sort out, but eventually we got on our way and back into New York.
I had a short wait before the ride back to Montreal, which was very calm and uneventful. It was funny, when I entered the US I had to go through an interview about why I wanted to visit America, who I was going to see, where I was staying, how much money I had and so on, they even searched me. Going back to Canada, all they wanted to know was if I had drugs with me. "No" I said, "okay" they went, and let me back on the bus.

Back in Montreal I didn't even have 2:50 left for the metro ticket, so I had to make Lan come pick me up. Before I actually saw him I didn't want to come back at all. I just wanted to stay on the road, keep travelling wherever I felt like and keep meeting these amazing people. Once I did see him I was really happy to be back and I could hardly wait to see Leichin. I even found myself missing Verdun. After having seen more of North America I was not impressed with Montreal anymore, but crossing the bridge back I still caught myself thinking it was nice to be home. Parts of me wanted to never leave Charleston and Pittsburgh, parts of me didn't want to return to Montreal at all and a pretty large chunk of me never wanted to stop anywhere, ever, just keep moving. I love discovering these sides of me. I've always been extremely attached to home, family and friends and now I feel free and independent in ways I never thought I could. I don't love my family or friends any less, but I don't need to have them close to not be miserable. Just being me, with myself, is enough.

<3<3

Back in Montreal since about 30 minutes ago. I made a stop in Pittsburgh for a night, had an awesome time with a bunch of russians. It's good to be back home with my canindians even though I'm sorta saddened my american adventure is over. I have so many stories to tell, but that'll have to wait til I've actually slept and eaten.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Quick note on my last night in West Virginia. I don't think I've ever felt so at home and at peace anywhere I've gone before. I've spoken to (and more importantly, really liked) more strangers the past few days than I have in a lifetime before. This is the one place I've ever been where I don't constantly feel disgusting and out of place, people just don't fucking care here. I can't tell you how much that means to someone like me.

So BJ, not only have you been a good friend for almost half my life, you, your uncle and your friends made me feel at ease and at home like I never have in my life, including in my actual home. There are no words that can express how grateful I am to all of you for this.

Tomorrow I'm getting back on the bus, with my darkness chased away. Even if it's just for the briefest period of time, I'm gonna cherish every second of it for as long as possible.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

You fuzzy little manpeach

To keep you company til I get back, here's my new hero.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0S6vL0-u58

blame canada

I had the best time in WV. It's an insanely beautiful state and I met some really cool people and even cooler pets. Cinnamon is on my lap right now demanding the patented two hand-cuddle, actively preventing me from typing. She's even clingier than Clint Eastwood. BJ's been an awesome host and it was a lot of fun meeting Andy and the Senator. I also much enjoyed befriending Chris. I don't think I've ever enjoyed talking to a naked-under-his-trenchcoat-person until way past sunrise that much before.
I'm going back home to Montreal tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to inserting my ass on a bus for four days again but it's gonna be good to get back to my canindians. Especially since I left my PSP there and I bought it a present.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Greyhound...

...should rename their company to something more fitting. Like Incompetenthound or Weliketomakelifemiserableforourpassengershound. Or maybe Suicidepromotionhound. I met some really cool people on the various buses though. I've been blessed, cursed, offered money, offered citizenships, sneered at, stared at, threatened and proposed to by various more or less sane creatures the past four days. I've gasped at the beauty of Manhattan at night, seen 444 pictures of russians standing next to neon signs, been stranded on a gasstation in Ohio for twelve hours, recieved a dozen phone numbers and email adresses, and I want to see more, more, more of this bipolar, charming and infantile country. I want to see Colorado. Florida. Arizona. California. I want to keep going, keep exploring, keep meeting all those wonderful, weird strangers. Share meals and stories and fragments of life with people I'll probably never see again. I want to keep going, even while waiting for seven hours on a shitty busstation without sleeping or eating for days, grateful just to be dry and warm and have access to a restroom and free drinking water. I love reducing my needs to the very basic. The only thing I really miss is my best friend.

Monday, October 27, 2008

brain.

I learned two very important things today. The first one is that it's very possible to wash latex paint off your hands using shampoo. The second is that it's very possible to move a 1964 Magnatone guitar amp from one block to another, using a skateboard and two scarves.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

brrrrm.

Tomorrow I'm getting on a Greyhound to spend the next 30 hours on american highways. I get motion sick when I try to read or play PSP on a bus, so I'm gonna have a lot of staring out windows to do. Not to mention breathing on the window and drawing on it with my finger. Providing I get a window seat. I'll just have to make sure no one would want to sit next to me. I can do that. Oh yes, I can do that.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

tai-chi for turtles

Is there any way?
Is there any how?
Is there any word that john says?
All I want is true
There is only wonder wall

Tired and pissy today. Not enough, never am. Never will be. Not even Beat Crusaders and their cheerful stupidity helps. Really, when even lyrics like the ones above don't put a smile on your face few things will. I feel about as confident and important as cold macaroni in a gutter, with about the same chances of improving. Old and new words echoing in my head. Old and new disappointments. Old and new let-downs, old and new expressions of disgust, and you're never enough, you'll never be good enough no matter how fucking hard you try, because this world is not for people like you and the downward spiral is endless and omni-fucking-potent. There are so many ways to be tormented. I guess my job in life is to try them all.

Bring it on, dildoface.

Friday, October 24, 2008

LOOK AT THIS!



..as Barry Burton would've put it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZzehRHxtB8

Few things intrigue me as much as the Goblin Shark (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goblin_shark).
I don't really have a point with that statement, I just thought you should know.

Now you know.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Ecki-ecki-ecki-ftang.

I maded a gay myspace-survey. Enjoy.

Your bf/gf leaves you for someone else what do you do?
Build a catapult. Put them in it.

Fifth message in your inbox?
"Everyone's fine. Noone's sick or hurt and only one died"

Your last ex wants to hook back up, you do what?
I'd say "Stop this botheration!"

Who were you with last night?
Some gay fat bards.

Do you ride roller coasters?
ALL! DAY!

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
All days are good days when you have heroin.

What were you doing at 10 last night?
Laughing my ass off at the canindians.

How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
About five minutes. Plus another say 27 if I'm going somewhere spethial.

What do you want right now?
A crowbar, some rope and a poncho. And also, some butter.

Would you ever dye your hair red?
Nah, you wouldn't be able to tell it from my face.

Are you bitchy?
*^_^*

If someone likes you would you want them to tell you?
Yeah. Unless they're cannibals. Or psychotic, parachuting mongolians with large knives. Actually, that would be pretty cool.

Do you want someone you can't have?
Yes.

Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Fo sho. Like D-day.

Do you remember the person you first kissed?
JT. We were six years old, sitting in a hole in a hedge playing with transformers when it happened.

Have you ever kissed someone you hated?
I've never hated anyone enough to do that to them.

Are you afraid of commitment?
Not as afraid as I am of milking an epileptic cow covered in razorblades.

Do you like someone now?
Yes. No! Yes! Yes!

What is your current mood?
Squareshaped.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
Mebbe.

If you like someone does his or her name start with a B,K,R,C or G?
Nope. Well, Krang, obviously, but not the other one.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Studying the ancient art of playing Skies of Arcadia.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you feel comfortable talking to?
Absolutely.

Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
I have nothing to hide. Except for my canned testicles. People get uncomfortable around them for some reason.

Have you made any mistakes recently?
Mm, staying alive past the age of eight. I keep repeating that one for some reason.

Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Sort of, this one guy spontaniously combusted. :(

Where were you at 2:02 am this morning?
In a jungle, with Jack Nicholson.

Anyone told you a secret this week?
I kissed a girl with thirteen fingers.

Would you rather your partner have gorgeous eyes or a gorgeous smile?
How about a gorgeous mind you shallow fucking cuntsalad?

If someone cheated on you, what would you say?
Eckelberry Humbertnick. It's not really relevant, I just like saying it.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Zplhm.

What do nitroglycerin, chewing gum, skin cream and fertilizer have in common? They all contain substances extracted from mammal urine. I find that hilarious. Some people think it's unhygienic to have a pet in their home or to not shower twice a day, but they'll gladly smear perfumed sheep piss on their faces. Humanity, how I love and loathe thee.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Morbidity <3

I'm going to West Virginia!

BJ säger:
K, well I can probably tolerate you for the 5 days you're suggesting
BJ säger:
If not, i still have places to hide bodies
Shadow säger:
haha
Shadow säger:
ill bring my smell-proof bag for you to stuff me in just in case
BJ säger:
Thats what lye and pepper is for, ruins a cadaver dog's nose
Shadow säger:
that is true. what does lime do to a corpse anyway?
Shadow säger:
i read about people using it
Shadow säger:
but i forgot what for
BJ säger:
accelerates decay
Shadow säger:
ah
BJ säger:
Its highly acidic when exposed to moisture

Oh, and

Most of the time I'm pathetically happy. I really like the whole selective impression-thing that normal people seem to do all the time. I've always been very bad at it but it is a lot of fun to be able to choose what to acknowledge. I think I understand now, why some people are so confident even though they have absolutely no reason to, and why others who should be, totally aren't. I never thought I'd consider ignorance a skill.

Faith.

It's funny. To most people my days would be incredibly boring and empty. To me this is the best thing that happened to me in a very long time. Today all I did was try to work my way through a stupid psychology assignment and eat a late lunch at a lebanese restaurant. But I had my best friend with me and another close friend from back home on MSN, working hard to help me translate statistics to something that made sense to me. Someone helped me, made an effort for me, like voluntarily. That doesn't happen. Ever. So I had a day that for most people would be eventless and not worth remembering at all. For me it was a big fucking deal because other people were there for me and I'm ridiculously happy and grateful for it. If I had been used to being treated like a person it would've come naturally and I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Today I'm so fucking happy about all the shit I've been through, cause if it enables me to be this happy over a thing as small as asking someone for help and actually recieving it, it's worth all the pain in the world. Actually, I wish other people would feel the same pain, if it'd teach them to appriciate the people around them more. It makes the world a way better place. If not objectivly, atleast for you, personally.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Boredom.

If you take the first letter in all the names on my old icq-list, you get svbzsskdsmfgwokam. With those letters you can write wookie massgrave. Well no, you can't.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Naturally.

When I was a kid, I really liked Alice Cooper. I also really liked Karate Kid. Therefore it made perfect sense to me that the Poison lyrics went like this:

"I want to love you but I better not touch (dont touch)
I want to hold you but my sensei tell me to stop"

If sensei says no, there's simply nothing to be done about it. I feel your pain, Alice.

Friday, October 17, 2008

beginners guide to cheesegrater masturbation.

This morning was awesome. I had no obligations festering on my mind, no boring adult bullshit clinging to my conscience. I woke up at nine on a thursday morning and I played videogames. And I loved it. It felt like one of those endless saturdays when you're a kid, when time stops and the only thing that exists is this level and this boss battle. Except even better cause there's no one around to tell me to turn off the game and go outside. And when I do turn off the game and go outside, there's no one to stop me from buying beer. Oooo, take that, mom.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

October I love you.

Leichin and I went for a walk early in the morning. It was warm and sunny, like summer decided to reappear for a few hours. The trees were stunningly beautiful and there was a light mist covering the ground. The grass was glittering with dew, birds were chirping and children were doing ecstasy in the park. It was a fantastic October morning. We wandered around aimlessly just thoroughly enjoying the day for a couple of hours before we had lunch and went back home. An hour later, as I'm working on my psychology assignment and Leichin is taking a nap, it starts raining. I have a blanket, a book and an interesting challenge to work on and rain on my window is just the ultimate finishing touch. October is just utterly awesome in every way.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Koro.

Koro, or genital retraction syndrome, is a condition in which a person is overcome with the belief that his genitals are retracting into his abdomen to kill him. Outbreaks of Koro in China were reported in 1948, 1955, 1966, 1974 and 1984/85. Aside from the emotional distress, Koro by itself is not physically harmful, and no actual retraction takes place. Injuries have occurred when stricken men have resorted to apparatus such as needles, hooks, fishing line, and shoe strings, to prevent the disappearance of their penises. The belief originates from Southeast Asia, but has also triggered waves of panic in Sengeal, Benin, Ghana, Zimbabwe, Nigeria, Sudan and Congo at various times in the last decade.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

sodomized shrimps

The other day my best friend and I almost adopted a stray cat. He was young and blond and arrogant. I wanted to name him Ichigo. Leichin figured we should call him Clint Eastwood, which may very well be the coolest name a cat has ever had. Seriously. "You wanna come over after work?" "Yeah I just gotta go home and feed Clint Eastwood first".
In the end the cat didn't get a new home since Canada is a democracy and other people in the house also got to have a say in the matter. But atleast he got a full stomach and lots of cuddling from one cat-deprived Swede.

Friday, October 10, 2008

This is so cool.

On the island of New Guinea, semen and blood are the main factors for deciding your gender. When boys have reached a certain age they're placed in the mens house where they're inseminated, orally and anally, with semen on a regular basis. By absorbing massive amounts of jizz, they absorb manliness and become men. They can then marry women and inseminate boys themselves. Women after having menopause are also considered men, since they're believed to have absorbed so much semen in their lives that they've become male, and are allowed to act as men.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Powdered pork

I have two things on repeat in my head today. One is that annoying old man from Pet Sematary (the movie that is) going "AAAAAAH know whatchoooore thinkin'!" and the other is this silly piece of poetry that I really like for no specific reason.

Was it the age of my innocence,
Or was it the lost land of Oz?
Was it only a foolish illusion,
The summer that never was?

Did I walk through the fields with the child in my arms
And the golden wheat over my head?
Did I feel my heart breaking under the weight?
Was my sweet sleeping boychild a burden, like lead?

I remember him crying the day he was born
And his hand like a spider that wouldn’t let go
And he wouldn’t let go and he wouldn’t let go
And the pain tore my heart out and filled me with woe.

Can a dreamer take hold of reality
And become a responsible man?
Can a killer become a lover
Or is he forever damned?

You can’t follow me where I’m going now
And you can’t go to the places I’ve been
Don’t listen to the demons I’ve listened to
Or look into the darkness I’ve seen.

There’s a field and a boy and the tall golden wheat
And eternity held in a day
But it’s so hard to hold and it’s so hard to reach
And forever rushing away.

Was it the age of my innocence,
Or was it the lost land of Oz?
Was it only a foolish illusion,
The summer that never was?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I had a dream..

..about a very, very odd porn. The guy pulled his foreskin up to his lips and blew air inside it, and it expanded like a balloon. When he had a fairly large foreskin-balloon, he tied the tip of the foreskin into a knot to keep the air inside. Then he started doing the girl, who squealed happily. When he was done with her he started fisting this green bird, whos only reaction was to look very, very surprised every time the guys hand entered its ass. Kinda like this:

._.

O_O

._.

O_O

..you get the picture. I was very intrigued.

ohgod

Spam usually sucks ass like a cheap home enema kit. But sometimes I get these awesome messages, usually from girls who call me Steven or Sebastian, that are just too hilarious. This one is particularly perfect:

Hi, dear

I believe that we will succeed. I believe that we will take the non-sinking
sheep of love and will go far away to the ocean, on the waves of unopened
passions, we will open the doors of wishes and dreams which never happened
yet… You should know that there is a lady in this world, I am here for you,
and for me your name is not just an empty sound, for me you are a man who
will always be gentle and caring with me. Let the memories of me come to
you each time you read my words, I still believe that I can be happy and
that you will reply to my brave letter for you at [http://www.allisloveandlove.com/mylovelygirl]
And I will write my letters to you and will greet you: Hello, My Destiny! It’s
me again!

All the best
Olya S

THE NON-SINKING SHEEP OF LOVE! YES! HOW COULD ANYONE EVER RESIST THIS?

Monday, October 6, 2008

<3

Tonight was awesome. I haven't had a chance to bond with someone and giggle like a little girl for hours and hours, in a long time. Likla (or madame Buttsex as I now call her) is the second coolest-- no, the coolest person of female gender I know. I really really really really really like all my weird adoptive indians. Except Leichin, but that goes without saying.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

ohohoho

<3 @ http://www.destructoid.com/mega-man-9-giveaway-contest-and-introducing-the-mega-man-boss-maker--101148.phtml

Creds to my baldest friend Victor for finding that gem.

@#!RRRGH

I love Silent Hill. But seriously. I. Hate. Homecoming. I want to rip its uterus out and feed it to a unicyclist. The monsters are sexy looking, but that's the only upside to this reeking puddle of liquid shit. If you're gonna buy the game, you should do so only to laugh in its face and sodomize it, and then break it into four pieces.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

8 quick questions.

1) What’s your favorite song at the moment?
My brothers semi-cover on Stayin’ Alive. He calls it Buried Alive.

2) Current Crush?
HULK CRUSH YOU ANY TIME ANY DAY!

3) Are you self-conscious?
Yes. No! YES! OH GOD I DON’T KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THAT ONE WHAT ARE PEOPLE GONNA THINK AIIIEEEE!

4) Have you ever given money to a bum?
Yeah. I gave one $10 once. He wanted to shake my hand. It smelled really bad for hours after that.

5) Have you been in love?
Sure, uhuh, you betcha. I keep my harem in the boiler room.

6) Can you tango?
No, I usually just alpha bravo. Sort of.

7) Next person you’ll kiss?
The dreaded three-headed knight! The fiercest creature for yards away!

8) Best wine?
Mar..Maraccas..Markis.. Marr.. Jack fucking Daniels.

apocalyptic epileptics

Old favourite:

Walking down the road I noticed a man, naked, apart from a lettuce leaf hanging out of his arse. When I questioned him he replied grimly, ”thats just the tip of the iceberg”.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Populistic pandahands

I'm glad I'm not the only idiot out there. All anecdotes are from http://homepage.smc.edu/larsen_lyle/absentmindedness.htm

G. K. Chesterton was certainly one of the most absentminded of authors.
His wife once heard him in the bathroom taking a bath. She heard him get out of the tub; then after a long pause there was a splash, and she heard him say, "Damn, I've been here before."

The Reverend William Lisle Bowles presented a Bible to a lady parishioner as a birthday present. She asked him to write his name in the volume, and he did so, inscribing it to her as a gift "from the Author."

Sir Isaac Newton was sometimes very absentminded. One day a Dr. Stukely called at his house. A servant told Stukely that he would have to sit down and wait, for Sir Isaac was in his study and no one was allowed to disturb him there. Soon another servant brought in Newton's dinner--a boiled chicken under a cover--and sat it close to the visitor. After an hour passed and Newton still did not appear, the doctor found that he was hungry and so proceeded to eat the chicken. Newton finally came in and apologized for having kept his visitor waiting so long. He said, "Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint." On removing the cover to his dinner he saw only a pile of bones. Embarrassed at appearing so ridiculous before a stranger, he put back the cover and said, "See what we studious people are: I forgot I had dined."

Clergymen are also noted for being absentminded. Perhaps it is easy to get so preoccupied with the everlasting life to come that you lose touch with the life passing before you at the moment. At any rate, the minister of Thames Ditton, Mr. George Harvest, used to get so absorbed in his thoughts that he would lose track of time. One Sunday he walked down to his church with a gun in his hand to find out what all those people were doing there.

Another clergyman, Canon Sawyer, once started out for the train station to meet a visitor. On the way he necessarily got lost in thought, arrived at the station, boarded a departing train, and disappeared.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

catapult crucifiction

my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
i’m sorry.. i cunt hear you.. i .. have an infucktion
Shadow säger:
that must be really hardon you :/
my cruelty has punctured me, and now i’m running dry säger:
HAHAHA

So yeah.

People sometimes tell me to shape up, dress better, put on some fucking make up. "You're not THAT horrible if you actually put some effort into it", they say. I can only put my answer one way: fuck that shit. I'd rather fight 'til it breaks me (and it will, eventually), than comply.
It's not cause I'm lazy (though that does have something to do with it too), it's a statement.

To be normal, happy and accepted, you have to follow the rules. You have to look a certain way, act a certain way. This also applies for the funny little subculture deviants. I'm not the kind of freak that dyes my hair pink and wears stay-ups and a Hello Kitty t-shirt, and like my 300 friends believe it makes me cool and different. They're just like everyone else, in their particular group of choice. I'm the kind of freak that wear shitty clothes I've had since I was twelve, don't brush my hair and don't wear make up. I do nothing to improve nature's work, I wear no mask. I look like shit, because that's what I am, what we all are behind the facade we try so hard to uphold. I don't do polite phrases that mean nothing, I don't do small talk, I have no time for the superficial. I pay a high price for this. People often write me off as retarded before I've even said a word to them. I make them uncomfortable, annoyed, disgusted. Usually I'm fine with this, it makes it easier to observe, see through and predict people when they look down on you and don't care if you're there or not. Of course it also makes it hard to make friends, and virtually impossible to get more than friendship. "If you had been someone else I would've been all over you" is one comment I got, an example that says a lot. But being freed from atleast some of the Societal Rules (TM) is worth it.
Conform - even if it means killing off your personality to the level where you have to sleep with the TV on every night cause you're too scared of the silence. It's not for me. I'll never fit in, never be able to relax around other people, always be looked at with contempt, never to be taken seriously. But I get to keep my soul and my clarity. I'll get to go my own ways, free from restraint. I don't have to ever worry about what people might think if I do this or that. Yes, I look hideous, but it's my choice. My focus is not on the surface of things, that's just distracting bullshit. I want the pure, the core, the essence of everything. Looking the way I do is a reminder that aids me in that.

No mask, no role play, all me. It's really simple. Maybe you can't like me for who I am. That's okay. I'd rather have that than have you like me for who I'm not.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Jonah.

When you wake up, halogen ignited life
Side by silence, hold your hands up to the light
and you might see him, a shadow on your wall
It's still upon you and you can't forget it all

days will slide
years start over and collide
you're alive
but do you ever wonder why?

so you wake up to a thousand days of dust
lies and make-up, shadow games instead of trust
to walk between your walls, to drink your conscience weak
To pass on unmade calls and never have to speak

days will slide
years start over and collide
you're alive
but do you ever wonder why?
wonder why?

dead astronauts.

A few hundred years ago, we had a local custom in my part of Sweden (probably more widespread than that even) to pick up rocks whenever you were out walking. These rocks came in handy in case you passed an unbaptized childs grave. Whenever you passed it you added your rock to the pile of rocks on top of the grave, to prevent the child from digging its way back to the surface.

I can sort of relate to those kids.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Warm nights.

It's almost October and still warm enough to waddle around in a t-shirt at night. I love the nights here. The streets are strangely serene when all the hairy drunks are sleeping. I spent some time this particular night pushing around a very handsome guy in a shoppingcart. At one point I hit the curb or something and the cart fell over and he with it. For a minute or so (while laughing at him of course) I had a strange daydream about what would've happened if he had, say, hit his head and passed out. On the positive side, I had a shoppingcart I could put him in, to take him somewhere to do horrible deeds to him until a) he woke up or b) I got bored and took him to the hospital.
Then again on the bad side, I'd probably have gotten lost and mugged and thrown into the canal on the way of doing so. In the end it was probably a good thing he didn't even end up scraping his knees, even if it means I didn't get to molest him.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

eeeeeee

Sweden was a catholic country up until 1527. Back then it was not okay to kill oneself. Suicide was a really serious sin that would put you straight to hell and leave your body in an unmarked grave in a forest somewhere. So what does one who wants to die do? Easy, he kills a child. Killers back then were guaranteed to get executed, but before that they got their sins forgiven by a priest. So to avoid going to hell for killing yourself, all you need to do is whack someone innocent, be forgiven by the church and you're well off in heaven. And you don't even have to think of a way to kill yourself, the state'll take care of that for you. Win-win!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

assplosions

I saw actual people playing actual american football on an actual field in actual life today. It was the first time I really realized I'm in North America, after having spent more than three months here.
They had cheerleaders and everything, it was quite surreal. I felt compelled to act like I was in a movie because of it. Luckily my companion chose this moment to show me his new Axl Rose-impression which, well, broke the spell to say the least, as I found myself squatting to avoid falling over from laughter and mild disgust. It was a good day.

I think I, like everyone else, have been spending my life wanting something to finally mean something important. I've found a big piece of that puzzle in Leichin, Lan and Likla.

Friday, September 26, 2008

GRACIOUS

What are you doing here?
Where did you come from?
Why do you want this?
Just look what I have become

Turn and walk away now, you are not welcome, I never let you in
Turn and walk away from here, forget what you have seen here within

You're gracious I am not
Take care of what you've got
You're gracious I am not

Free yourself while you can still react
and make it on your own
Free yourself while you are this intact
Bring light to the unknown

What are you doing here? Where did you come from?
Why do you want this? Just look what I have become
Don't you be me

Gracious you were when you smiled and suddenly I knew
Gracious little wonder child, the future can come ‘cause I believe in you
(you're gracious I am not, you're gracious I am not...)
Gracious you were when you smiled and suddenly I knew
Gracious little wonder child, the future can come ‘cause I believe in you

Stay this way...

Gracious little wonder child, the future can come, ‘cause I believe in you
‘cause I believe in you
‘cause I believe

HAHAH

http://www.myheritage.com/celebrity-face-recognition?morph=1 is fucking amazing. You post a picture of your face and it tells you what celebrities you look like. I tried a picture of my best friend. Appearantly, he looks like Oscar Wilde, Christopher Reeve, Mel Gibson, Sophia Loren, Grace Kelly, Daryl Hannah and, best of all, Avril Lavigne. I love the consistency there.
I tried a picture of myself. It said "no face detected". Even websites find me that monstrous. I clasped my sides in merriment.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Joy.

I'm normally a confuzzled pile of vagueness. Often moody and depressed, mildly content at best with sporadic outbursts of hilarity. Last night I went for a walk by the canal. It was late in the evening but surprisingly warm, and I had the place pretty much to myself. I sat down by the water with my back against a tree and just enjoyed the air, the silence and the wonderful sensation of being completely alone. I probably scared the shit out of the few passer-bys who saw me, but that's just a bonus.
I sat there for maybe five minutes, my head tilted back, looking at the tree crown and just letting my mind drift when I was suddenly filled with the wonderful sensation of being one with the world. I felt insanely grateful to every organism that preceded me in evolution, for being what they were, mating with what they did when they did, to form other creatures that did the same, to eventually end up in a being that is allowed to feel that way. For a moment, I loved life, not MY life in particular but ALL life, to the extent where it physically ached. Everything that lived and died on this planet seemed so precious, for that fleeting moment. I was filled with peace and joy, completely detatched from my own pathetic existance. I live for those moments.

Afterwards I went home, feeling stronger than in a very long time, just to argue with my best friend and feel weakened again. But not in a bad way. In a humbled way, where achieving knowledge from human interaction is my goal rather than making a point or winning an argument. My only goal with this life is to be the best person I can be. I was in a stalemate for a long time, but I think I'm back on the right track again. That moment by the water was my reward for a long time of struggling.

I'm in an extremely alleviated state of mind, still, that'll probably wear off once I get some sleep. It saddens me a bit to know I'll re-read this thinking "what the fuck, what kind of a faghat broke into my psyche and made up this crap". But for now, I'm going to treasure it.

Gamers <3

www.Loading.se is the second most awesome.. no, the most awesome forum on the intarnet. The gamer pick up lines-thread is the best thing that happened to me in all week. Quotes ensue below, translated to English for you heathens.

If I were a guy and wanted to nail a girl, I would tell her that my stylus wanted to poke her touchpad. Or maybe ask her ""Evening! Can I interest you in some very reasonable manual labour?" like Willy Builder like in Viva Piñata.
If I on the other hand wanted to turn down a girl, I'd tell her my princess was in another castle. Or maybe "you look like a headcrab, wanna feel my crowbar?" if I wanted to be ambiguous.
Another way to get it on would be to invite her for Hot Coffee (GTA San Andreas-style) or ask her if she wanted to play Project Rub. Going on about how she makes my Snake solid or ask if she wants to shake my wiimote is too easy. My favourites are "Hello, I am looking for treasure. May I take a look in your chest?" from Simon the Sorcerer, and "you look like that hot chick from Metroid.. what's her name? Oh yeah, the Mother Brain!".

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

15 million

Sometimes, I see things that make me want to pee myself with glee. Don't worry, I can pee on you too so you won't feel left out. Anyway this is one of those things:

http://tomopop.com/post.phtml?pk=4526&un=Colette+Bennett

Never regret anything that made you smile, they say. I still sorta regret seing this.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Huah.

It's 5:40 in the morning. There's an Indian woman in the kitchen. I think she's doing the dishes.
Exactly how does one end up with an Indian woman in the kitchen, you say? I'll tell you how. First, you find a friend online. Then you go live with said friend and his family for six months. I'm sure there are other ways to do it too, but that's how I went about and it went quite well. The key is of course to make sure your friend a) is an Indian woman or b) has one in the household, or the plan will fail miserably. This particular Indian woman can be found in Montreal, which is conveniently situated on the wrong fucking continent if you're a Swede and would like to go home occasionally to, say, fetch a videogame or change your socks or eat decent meatballs once in a while. Good thing I brought lots of socks and Gamezone isn't far.

So yeah, I'm a Swede living with five Indians in Canada. This is my blog and I'll do whatever I want with it. Like, if I want to put an image in your head of a raven with a mustache, that's what I'll do. If I want to write poems about ambulances, I might not, just to spite you.
A short introduction for those of you who don't know me:
Physically, I'm a 25 year old female carbon-based life form, overweight and kinda short. I dress like a ten year old boy who sniffs way too much glue. Not much to brag about there. Mentally, I'm ageless, sexless, and most importantly remorseless. Except the last part was a lie. I enjoy videogames, drawing, writing, reading, horse riding, thinking, martial arts and conversations about trodding barefoot on jellyfish. I'm incredibly socially awkward and get along way better with animals than with people. Bruce Lee is my personal hero, Acid Bath is my favourite band, and I like to go barefoot whenever I can.

That's all you get for now. A taste of things to come. A teaser, a prelude, a- uh, whatever, I need to sleep.